Become stronger: Jumpstart your anti-fragile systems | Tal Ben-Shahar: Full Interview

- My name is Tal Ben-Shahar.

I'm a student and teacher in the field of happiness studies.

I'm the co-founder of the Happiness Studies Academy,

and my most recent book is "Happier, No Matter What."

- [Narrator] Chapter 1: The paradox of chasing happiness.

- I became interested in happiness

because of my own unhappiness.

I was an undergraduate at Harvard studying computer science,

and I found myself in my second year

doing very well academically,

doing well in athletics, I played squash,

doing quite well socially,

and yet being very unhappy.

And it didn't make sense to me

because when I looked at my life from the outside,

things looked great.

I checked the boxes.

But from the inside it didn't feel that way.

And I remember waking up one very cold Boston morning,

going to my academic advisor

and telling her that I'm switching majors.

And she said, "What to?"

And I said, "Well, I'm leaving computer science

and moving over to philosophy and psychology."

And she asked me, "Why?"

And I said, "Because I have two questions.

First question is, why aren't I happy?

Second question, how can I become happier?"

And it's with these two questions that I went on

to get my undergraduate in philosophy and psychology.

Then over across the Atlantic

to the other Cambridge to study education

and then back to Harvard for my PhD,

all the time focusing on: how can I help myself,

individuals couples, families organizations

and ultimately nations increase levels of well-being?

Now, what drew me to these questions was,

of course, first and foremost, my personal experience.

I wanted to feel better. I wanted to be happier.

Second, also to figure out why.

Why is it that we are told from a very young age,

whether explicitly or implicitly,

that it's all about success?

It's all about the attainment of the next goal,

of the next milestone,

and yet achieving, arriving, fulfilling these goals,

that does not bring us to a happier place,

certainly not in the long term.

And I wanted to figure out what is it, if anything,

can lead us to a better, happier, more fulfilled existence?

And that is what I've been doing

over the past 30 years, looking for answers.

What prompted me to write "Happier, No Matter What"

is my desire to put together what the science of happiness

has to teach us in difficult times.

Whether we're going through a pandemic,

whether it's a loss of a job,

whether it's a dissolution of a relationship,

whether it's a loss of a person,

because the science of happiness

doesn't just help us become happier in good times,

it also helps us better deal with difficulties,

hardships, and struggles.

Back in 2015,

I was on a transatlantic flight

when a question came to mind, and the question was:

how is it that there is a field of study for psychology,

which has been my field, philosophy, history, medicine,

geography, you name it,

and there is no field of study for happiness?

Yeah, there is positive psychology,

which is what I've been studying for the past 20 years.

But that's just the psychology of happiness.

What about what philosophers like Laozi or Aristotle

had to say about happiness?

What about what literature remarked on happiness

or neuroscience or theology or economics?

Why isn't there a field

or rather an interdisciplinary field of study

that looks at life's ultimate highest goal: happiness?

And I resolved on that flight to help create

a field dedicated to the study of happiness.

Why is studying happiness important?

Well, there are two main reasons.

The first reason is

because happiness is good in and of itself.

We all want to be happier or less sad.

We all want those we love to be happier.

So happiness is an end in and of itself.

And then the second reason

is that it is also a means toward other ends.

So we know that if we increase levels of happiness

even by little bit, what we find is

that we become more creative, more productive, more engaged,

our performance is better,

whether we're talking children in school

or employees in the organization.

We're also physically healthier

and our relationships improve.

So happiness is good in and of itself.

It's also good as a means to towards higher levels

of performance, success, and achievement.

There are two main critiques

that people have for the field of happiness studies.

The first one is

that it's superficial, shallow, uninteresting.

The reason is, that they equate happiness with pleasure.

So when people say, "Oh, I went to the beach,

I was so happy,"

or, "This ice cream just makes me happy."

Well, that's not happiness.

That is a small part of happiness.

And the field of happiness studies

includes pleasure of course,

as well as our ability to deal with painful experiences,

as well as a sense of meaning and purpose,

as well as cultivating healthy relationships,

as well as intellectual development, curiosity.

So happiness is much more than pleasure.

The second critique of the field of happiness

stems from the false understanding

or expectation that a happy life

means being happy all the time.

That a happy life is a life devoid

of painful emotions.

It's not. It can never be.

Part of a happy life is the necessary ups and down,

the vicissitudes of daily life.

So learning to accept and even embrace painful emotions

is an important part of a happy life.

And the study of painful emotions

is an important part of the field of happiness studies.

Why is the science of happiness important

in difficult times?

To answer this question,

we can draw on very important concept that was introduced

by New York University Professor Nassim Taleb.

Nassim Taleb talks about anti-fragility.

What is anti-fragility?

Anti-fragility is essentially resilience 2.0.

So resilience 1.0 is a term taken from engineering.

What it means specifically

is that when we put pressure on a system,

that system goes back after the pressure is lifted

to its original form.

So for example, you squish a piece of rubber,

it goes back to its original form, it's resilient.

Or a ball, you drop it down, it bounces back up.

Resilience.

Anti-fragility takes this idea of resilience a step further.

Specifically, you put pressure on a system,

it doesn't just go back to its original form,

it actually grows bigger, stronger, better, healthier.

You drop a ball.

If it's anti-fragile,

it doesn't just bounce back up, it bounces back higher.

That's anti-fragility.

Now we see anti-fragile systems

all around us and within us,

for example, our muscular system.

We go to the gym and we lift weights,

we're putting pressure on our muscles.

What happens as a result?

We actually grow stronger, bigger, healthier.

We are an anti-fragile system.

Or on the psychological level, you know,

I always ask my class the following question,

I ask them to put their hand up

if they know what PTSD is.

PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder.

Just about everyone in the class,

psychologists or non-psychologists, put their hand up.

They've heard about it, they've studied it,

they've read about it.

And then I asked them a second question

after they put their hand down.

I said, "Now put your hand up if you know what PTG is."

Hardly any hand goes up.

PTG stands for post-traumatic growth.

So where post-traumatic stress disorder

is about breaking down,

post-traumatic growth is about growing stronger

as a result of pressure, stress.

It's anti-fragility.

Now here is the thing.

We significantly increase the likelihood

of post-traumatic growth if we know about its existence,

if we know that it's in the realm of possibilities.

Moreover, we significantly increase

the likelihood of post-traumatic growth

if we know what conditions we need to put in place.

As I see it, the role of the science of happiness

is first of all to introduce us

to concepts like post-traumatic growth, like anti-fragility,

and second, to teach us what conditions

we can put in place in our homes, in our organizations,

in our schools, in our countries,

to increase the likelihood of growing from hardship.

Hardship is inevitable.

What we do with a hardship, well, here we have a choice.

People often ask me, "So, Tal, you got into this field

because of your unhappiness.

Today, 30 years later, are you finally happy?"

And my answer to that is,

"I don't know how to answer this question."

Why?

Because I don't think there is a point

before which one is unhappy after which one is happy.

In other words, it's not a binary zero/one.

Rather happiness resides on a continuum.

So yes, today I'm certainly happier than I was 30 years ago.

At the same time, I most certainly hope

that 10 years from now, I'll be happier than I am today.

Happiness is a lifelong journey.

It's a journey that ends when life ends.

And knowing that, we can have realistic

rather than unrealistic expectations about what is possible.

If our expectations are

to find that happily-ever-after to arrive,

then we're in for disappointment,

inevitable frustration.

If however, we understand

that the pursuit of happiness is a journey

and every day we can make some progress,

we can bring about some meaningful,

though small, change into our lives,

well, then our expectations are realistic

and we're potentially in for a treat.

Helen Keller defines happiness as wholeness.

My definition, building on the work of Helen Keller,

is that happiness is about whole-person well-being,

or in a word, wholebeing.

There is a paradox when it comes to pursuing happiness.

On the one hand, we know that happiness is a good thing,

whether in and of itself or as a means toward other ends.

We want it for ourselves, for our loved ones.

At the same time, we also know

from research by Iris Mauss and others,

that people who wake up in the morning

and say to themselves, "Happiness is important for me.

I value happiness. I want to pursue it,"

those individuals actually end up being less happy.

In fact, they're more likely

to be lonely, experience depression.

So the paradox is that on the one hand,

it's clearly a good thing, happiness.

On the other hand,

valuing it as a good thing is problematic.

So what do we do? Do we fool ourselves?

Do we tell ourselves,

"Well, actually happiness is not important to me.

Wink, wink." No.

Self-deception is certainly not

the first step to a happier life.

What we do, the way to resolve this paradox

is that we pursue happiness indirectly.

Let me explain this through an analogy.

Think about sunlight.

So if I look at the sun right now directly,

it's going to hurt my eyes.

However, if I break down sunlight into its elements,

into its constituents, with a prism, for example,

I can look at the colors of the rainbow.

So I'm indirectly looking at the sunlight,

enjoying it, savoring it.

In the same way, pursuing happiness,

valuing happiness directly can hurt,

can cause more harm than good,

but breaking it down into its elements,

that can lead us to enjoy

the indirect pursuit of happiness

and by extension to raise our overall levels of happiness.

The question is, what are these elements of happiness?

What are the metaphorical colors of the rainbow

when it comes to happiness?

And here we have what I've come to call

the SPIRE model of happiness.

(inquisitive music)

(highlighter brushing)

- [Narrator] Chapter 2:

SPIRE, the Five Dimensions of well-being.

- SPIRE is an acronym that stands

for spiritual well-being, physical well-being,

intellectual well-being, relational well-being,

and finally, emotional well-being.

These five elements of happiness:

spiritual physical, intellectual relational

and emotional, together create that sunlight.

Happiness.

And when we pursue these elements individually,

whether it's spirituality, whether it's physical health,

whether it's intellectual development,

whether it's our relationships,

when we cultivate pleasurable emotions,

these are all ways of indirectly pursuing happiness

and thereby we resolve the paradox of happiness.

I've been asked by many people

why I didn't include financial well-being

as part of the model of happiness,

as part of the SPIRE model.

The answer is not

because I don't think financial well-being is unimportant.

Of course it is.

However, it's important

for providing the most basic levels,

meaning for food, shelter, education.

But beyond that, money does not contribute to happiness.

Moreover, the SPIRE elements are primary, fundamental.

And it is by indirectly pursuing those SPIRE elements

that we're actually more likely

to enjoy financial well-being as a derivative of SPIRE.

(inquisitive music)

(highlighter brushing)

- [Narrator] Chapter 3:

Exercising your spirit, body, and mind.

- So what is spiritual well-being

and how do we cultivate it?

Well, we can find spirituality,

of course, in religion, but not only.

Spirituality is about finding a sense of meaning

and purpose in life.

Now, there's an important distinction here

that Viktor Frankl makes

between the meaning of life and the meaning in life.

The meaning of life, well, identifying that is up to you.

It's above my pay grade.

But the meaning in life,

this is something that all of us can find

in our day-to-day experiences at work and at home.

Research done by Amy Wrzesniewski and Jane Dutton

sheds some interesting light

on finding meaning in life.

They were able to identify three archetypes

in terms of people's perception of their work,

their work orientation.

There are some people who see their work as a job.

"A job is something that I have to do.

A job is something that I have no choice about.

It's a chore.

What am I looking forward to when I'm in a job?

Well, I'm looking forward to the end of the day,

or TGIF, thank God it's Friday.

Or retirement when I will no longer need

to do what I'm doing.

But for now, I have to." That's a job.

Then there are people who see their work as a career.

Career is about progress.

Career is about climbing the organizational ladder.

Career is about making more money, being more successful.

And then there are people who see their work as a calling.

Seeing your work as a calling

is about having a sense of meaning and purpose

in what you are doing.

It's important to you.

You are looking forward to not Friday,

but rather Monday, more work.

So there was research done in different professions

in different places around these three work orientations.

For example.

The first series of studies was done in hospitals.

And what Wrzesniewski and Dutton found

was that there were janitors, cleaners,

in those hospitals who saw their work as a job,

something that they had to do, no choice.

Then there were janitors in the same hospitals

doing the exact same work

who saw their work as a career.

For them, it was about making progress,

about getting to the next level, making more money.

And then there were in those very same hospitals,

janitors doing the exact same work

who saw their work as a calling.

For them, work was meaningful, important.

They were enabling the work of the doctors and nurses.

They were facilitating recovery,

health among the patients.

Now, interestingly, in those very same hospitals,

there were also doctors who saw their work as a job.

"Let this shift just be over."

There were doctors in those very same hospitals

who saw the work as a career,

about making progress, climbing.

And then there were doctors doing the exact same thing

as others who saw their work as a calling.

This is what they felt

they were meant to do with their life.

Similarly, for nurses, administrators.

Similar results were found

among bankers, hairdressers,

teachers, even parents.

How do we see what we do, whether it's parenting,

whether it's banking, whether it's medicine,

how do we see what we do?

What is our perception? What is our orientation?

And it seems that much more important

than what we objectively do

is our subjective interpretation of what we do.

And that can make all the difference.

Because people who see their work as a calling,

not all of the time, but more of the time,

are not just happier, they're also more productive,

they're more creative, they're more engaged.

They are better employees overall.

So there are personal benefits and organizational benefits.

Moreover, they are more likely to be anti-fragile,

overcome difficulties and hardships.

Why, as Nietzche wrote 150 years ago or so,

when you have a "what for," every "how" becomes possible.

If you wake up in the morning with a purpose, a calling,

then you are more likely

to overcome barriers that come in your way.

My business partner, Angus Ridgway, is British

with a British sense of humor.

So he was having lunch with his brother-in-law one day,

and his brother-in-law is a cardiologist.

Specifically, his expertise is the pacemaker.

What he does is he puts pacemakers in

and then every few years he takes them out,

changes the batteries, and puts them back in again.

So Angus was having lunch with his brother-in-law.

When he said to him the following, he said,

"You know, Everett, I suddenly realized,

understood what you do for a living."

So his brother-in-law curiously asked,

"What do I do for a living?"

And Angus says to him, "You change batteries."

Now, his brother-in-law didn't even smile.

He looked at him straight in the face

and said to him, "Angus, you are right.

Some days I change batteries.

Other days I save lives."

Do I see my work as a job, as a chore,

or do I see it as a calling, as purposeful?

So much of it depends on our orientation,

on our focus, on our subjective interpretation

of the objective reality.

How can we help ourselves?

How can we help our employees

see more of our work as purposeful, as meaningful?

How can we experience more spirituality in the workplace?

Well, one thing that we can do

is we can ask, whether ourselves or others,

to write a calling description.

We're often asked to write a job description,

but why not focus on what it is in our work

that is important, that is meaningful,

that contributes to others, to the greater good,

to the big picture?

And when we start focusing on what it is

that makes our work a calling,

then we are more likely

to experience our day to day as meaningful.

We find meaning in life, if not the meaning of life.

Here are a few questions that you can ask yourself

to increase your levels of spiritual well-being.

The first question is:

what is meaningful to me in what I'm already doing?

What matters? What's important in what I'm contributing?

And then asking: how can I increase spiritual well-being

in my life, in my work?

What can I do day in and day out,

even if it's something small,

to increase the amount of meaning,

the sense of purpose that I experience at work?

Physical well-being is an important element of happiness

of the SPIRE model.

Why?

Because mind and body are one, interconnected.

When it comes to physical well-being,

perhaps the most important idea to look at

is that of stress.

Because long before the COVID-19 pandemic,

we had the stress pandemic.

The World Health Organization

talks about stress as the silent killer.

More and more organizations are struggling with stress

and consequently with burnout and breakdown.

So what do we do about stress?

What can the science of happiness teach us?

Well, the first thing that it teaches us

is that all along we have been blaming the wrong culprit

because stress, in fact, is not a problem.

Stress, in fact, is potentially good for us.

Let me explain.

So let's go back to a physical analogy.

When I go to the gym and I lift weights,

what am I doing to my muscles?

I'm stressing them.

Now, is that a bad thing? Not at all.

I go to the gym one day and then I go two days later

and then after that again, and I lift weights

and I actually grow stronger, bigger, healthier.

Our muscular system is an anti-fragile system.

And to trigger it, stress is important.

When do the problems begin?

The problems begin when I go to the gym and I lift weights

and a minute later,

more weights and more weights and more weights.

That's when I get injured.

That's when I get weaker rather than stronger.

The problem therefore, is not the stress.

The problem rather is the lack of recovery,

whether it's in the gym physically

or in life psychologically.

You see, what healthy, happy, and successful people do

is they experience stress just like everyone else does.

The difference is that they punctuate

their crazy, busy lives with ample recovery.

And when we have stress and recovery,

that's when the anti-fragile system is triggered.

If we only have one or the other, we do not grow stronger.

In fact, we can break down,

become fragile rather than anti-fragile.

So what does recovery look like?

What does recovery look like in the workplace?

Well, we can talk about three levels of recovery:

mini, mid, and macro levels of recovery.

When it comes to mini recoveries,

we can talk about, you know, a 15-minute break

that could include a cup of coffee

or a walk or a conversation or a meal,

but not a meal when our phone is on

and we're doing work at the same time,

because that's not recovery, that's simply more stress.

Physical exercise can be a very powerful form

of recovery from stress.

You know that people who spend time,

30 minutes three times a week, not that much, working out,

whether it's going for a walk or or jogging or swimming

or best of all dancing

or playing soccer or whatever,

they are physically healthier,

of course, as well as psychologically healthier.

In fact, regular physical exercise works in the same way

that our most powerful psychiatric medication works.

So that's a good form of mini recovery.

Three deep breaths, 30, 40 seconds,

five to six seconds in, (inhales)

and five to six seconds out.

That's a form of recovery

that shifts us from the fight-or-flight response

to what Herbert Benson from Harvard Medical School

calls the relaxation response.

So there we have it. Mini recoveries.

When it comes to mid-level recoveries,

getting a good night's sleep,

or if you can't fall asleep, just lying down,

taking a day off, you know, even God needed a day off.

I think there is an important message here

for us mere mortals, and it turns out that God was right.

People who take a day off

are not just happier and healthier,

they actually perform better at work.

And then we have macro-level recovery.

J.P. Morgan once said,

"I can do the work of a year in nine months, but not in 12."

"I can do the work of a year in nine months, but not in 12."

Now, most of us don't have the luxury

of taking three months off,

but even a month off or a week off here and there

can go a long way in triggering the anti-fragile system.

You know, for many people, for many employees,

it's difficult to take time off,

especially for type-A's, ambitious individuals.

Why?

Because if I take time off, it means that I'm stopping.

I'm slowing down, at the best.

Well, think about the following analogy.

You're a race car driver,

you go around the track again and again and again,

and then after 40 laps, you need a pit stop,

but you refuse because you don't wanna slow down,

you don't wanna stop.

What happens? One of two things.

Either you run out of fuel or your tires blow up.

You know what that's called? Burnout, breakdown.

And billions of people around the world

are struggling with that.

Not because of the stress, because of the lack of recovery.

To increase our physical well-being,

we do not need to, in fact, we cannot do away with stress.

What we do need is to introduce more recovery into our life

on the mini, mid, and macro levels.

So ask yourself,

"What can I do today for recovery?"

Is it more exercise?

Is it just having a meal while the phone is off

and work is away with a friend?

Is it going for a walk,

having a cup of coffee, meditating perhaps?

What can I do to introduce mini recovery into my day-to-day?

Second, ask yourself, what can you do

to introduce more mid-level recovery into your life?

Is it perhaps to switch off technology a bit earlier

so that you can get better night's sleep?

Is it to take a day or two off regularly, weekly?

And finally, what can you do

to introduce macro-level recovery into your life?

What kind of vacation do you want?

What provides you with recovery?

Is it lying down on the beach and doing nothing?

Or maybe that's more stressful for you

and what you need is to climb mountains

or read books or hang out with friends.

You see, it is when we recreate

that we create.

Recreation leads to creation.

As a manager, one of the most important things

that you can do for your employees

and for your organization

is to encourage employees to take time off.

First of all, by doing it yourself, leading by example.

Second, keep in mind that in the United States,

more than half of the employees

do not use up their vacation time.

And even those that do,

close to half are still tethered to their work.

Encourage employees, encourage yourself

to take that vacation, to take that time for recovery

so that you can trigger the anti-fragile system

for you, for your employees, and for the organization.

The connection between intellectual well-being

and happiness is less apparent to most people.

But here is how it's connected.

There's research showing

that people who are curious, who ask questions,

are not just happier,

they're not just more successful,

they also live longer.

So there is a connection between curiosity and longevity.

Another important element of intellectual well-being

is not just asking questions.

It's deeply engaging with material.

That material can be text, it can be a work of art,

it can be nature.

Now the question is, why is deep engagement with material,

how does that contribute to intellectual well-being?

How does that contribute to overall happiness?

Well, in various ways.

You know, the first course

that I took as an undergraduate at Harvard,

and this was during Freshman Week,

so before school officially started,

was a course in speed reading.

And you know, it was a very important course for me

because it helped me get through a lot of material later on.

Today, it helps me get through the Sports pages

in a more efficient way.

However, I wished I'd learned another course

during that time, not in speed reading,

but rather in slow reading.

Why?

Because when we only, or primarily,

engage in speed reading,

in scanning, which is mostly what we do

when we go online and scan webpages.

So when we, you know, go through the news

or quickly read an article that we were sent,

what we're doing is we're exercising

very specific muscles, so to speak.

Certain neural abilities are cultivated.

And we neglect other abilities

such as deep, slow learning.

And that hurts us

because when we do not practice these muscles,

these neurons, we pay a price

when it comes to our business success

and also when it comes to our relationships.

Why is that?

Because let's say we do engage in deep learning.

We do exercise these muscles, so to speak.

Well, then when we meet

a potential client or potential partner,

we'll be able to better read that person,

deeply understand who they are, what they are about.

Whereas if all we're practicing

is scanning a superficial kind of reading or engagement,

well we'll only gain a superficial kind

of understanding of who that person is.

Same when reading a contract.

In order to gain deep understanding, to really get it,

well, we need to practice, to exercise.

Just like in everything,

whether it's sports or in intellectual development.

The same with relationships.

One of the reasons, not the only reason,

but one of the reasons

why we see so many relationships flounder today

is because individuals fail

to engage deeply with their partner.

Because if, and this is a real statistic,

we switch webpages every seven seconds on average.

Like dislike like dislike.

Well, we do not engage deeply with texts.

And then why are we to engage deeply with another person?

We get bored, we want to move on, we want more stimulation.

Whereas if we practice deep learning,

we'll also prepare ourselves

for deep or deeper relationships.

Exercising the ability for deep learning

contributes to business, contributes to relationship,

it contributes to our professional

as well as personal lives.

It is an important essential element of happiness.

So what do we do?

Well spend a few minutes a day,

a few hours a week engaging with text,

learn something that you are interested in,

that you are curious about.

And what you will find is that over time,

neural pathways will connect

and you will become better at it.

Now, when I say it, I don't just mean at reading that text

or engaging with that work of art,

but better at engaging with people,

with a business contract,

you'll become more effective, more efficient,

will become happier.

Speed reading, being able to synthesize

and integrate a lot of text,

a lot of information is certainly important.

At the same time,

it's also important once in a while to slow down.

It's important for a manager, for a leader

to do it themselves

and also to encourage their employees to do the same.

To spend time, quality time,

just analyzing a certain business case

or perhaps a contract or to read together

and then analyze and discuss

a literary piece or a poem.

Now these things seem tangential,

or perhaps unrelated to the day-to-day work.

However, over time,

what they do is cultivate better thinkers,

cultivate more effective, more efficient,

more productive, better employees

to identify what it is

that we can engage with

whether a text, a work of art, or nature,

we need to ask, "What am I most curious about?

What do I really want to learn?"

Now when I say that to people, some of them say,

"Well, I'm not really curious,"

or, "My child is not curious."

And my answer to that is

that it would be the same as saying,

"Well, my child or I am not hungry."

Well, you may not be hungry now, but you will be later.

You may not be hungry for, you know, broccoli and celery,

but you are perhaps for chocolate and oranges.

So identify what it is that you are curious about.

It's in our genes, it's in our makeup

to be curious, to want to learn.

What do you want to learn?

Identify it and then study it.

And whatever it is, no matter the topic,

it will have a trickle effect on other areas in your life,

from your business to your relationships.

(inquisitive music)

(highlighter brushing)

- [Narrator] Chapter 4: The importance

of relational and emotional health.

- Relational well-being is important. It's very important.

The number one predictor of happiness

is quality time we spend with people we care about

and who care about us.

The number one predictor of health

is the quality time we spend with people we care about

and who care about us.

And it turns out that the number-one condition

that we can put in place

to increase the likelihood of anti-fragility,

of growing through hardship,

is the quality of our relationships.

Now, interestingly, what kind of relationships we have,

or with whom, matters less.

For some people, the important relationship in their life

is a romantic relationship.

For others, it's their family or extended family.

For others, it's friends. It can also be colleagues.

But having supportive relationships in our lives

matters a great deal for happiness, for health,

for overall success at home and in organizations.

Now, how do we cultivate

strong, healthy relationships?

Well, let me count the ways, or at least a few ways.

Probably the most powerful intervention

that we can introduce in our personal lives,

in our organizations is the power of giving.

There's research showing that when we give,

when we contribute, whether it's charity or kindness,

something material or spiritual,

we significantly increase levels of well-being.

Not to mention the fact

that we create the conditions for healthy relationships.

This turns out to matter a great deal for leadership.

So back in the 1970s, Robert Greenleaf,

an organizational behaviorist,

was looking for the characteristic

of extraordinary leaders.

Now, extraordinary leaders

are needed in extraordinary times,

such as the times we're going through right now.

So what is it about extraordinary leaders?

The trait that he identified in them,

whether they were religious leaders

or political leaders or business leaders,

was that they were servant leaders,

saw themselves as serving.

For example, Robert Greenleaf went back to the Bible.

Moses. When was Moses picked by God?

When Moses ran after a lamb

and brought the lamb back to the flock.

In other words, he was serving the lamb.

Fast forward to the Christian Bible.

Jesus came to earth to serve the people.

Fast forward to the 20th century,

Nelson Mandela spent 27 years

in prison on Robben Island.

He had some time to think about what he would say

when, if, he ever came out.

All the cameras are on him.

He's addressing the people of South Africa.

What is he saying? 27 years in the making.

"I am your servant."

Look at Anita Roddick, founder of the Body Shop

in her wonderful book, "Business as Unusual,"

a book that I assign in my classes.

What is the book about?

Serving, serving, and more serving.

Whether it's serving her employees,

whether it's serving her customers,

whether it's serving the environment, the community,

what servant leaders do

is they take the organizational chart

and flip it upside down

so that they're at the bottom supporting.

Now, what is the number-one characteristic

of servant leaders?

Listening.

In other words, lending their ear, giving their time.

It's not how eloquent they are, how charismatic they are,

how brilliant they are.

It's their ability to listen.

You know, interestingly in the the story of Moses,

and again, whether you see it as the word of God

or as a story written by very smart people,

in that story, when God tells Moses

that he's going to be leading his people,

the first thing that Moses says is, "I can't."

Why?

"Because I stutter,

because I have a speech impediment."

And yet God chooses him.

And there is an important message here.

What's more important than talking, than being eloquent,

than being charismatic is the ability to listen.

This is what great leaders do,

what extraordinary leaders do,

especially in extraordinary times.

When I talk about leadership, I'm not just talking

about that person at the helm, the top of the organization

or at the bottom serving others.

I'm talking about leadership at every level. Why?

Because when it comes to giving, when we give,

when we are generous and we are benevolent,

we're affecting everyone around us

because these characteristics,

these behaviors are contagious.

They're contagious as a result of mirror neurons.

So that when an I see benevolent behavior,

when I see, encounter, generosity, it affects me.

I'm more likely to be the same, to do the same.

Servant leadership is important at home.

What our children, what our partners need,

more than anything, they need our ears

much more so than our sermons, than our lectures.

Especially in extraordinary times.

So giving, whether it's material, whether it's spiritual,

whether it's listening, whether it's kindness,

when we give, we're contributing to the receiver,

we're contributing also to ourselves.

It is important to listen

whether we are in the same room with other people

or when we're interacting virtually.

The ability to listen brings us closer together.

It contributes to the well-being of the listener,

of the person being listened to.

It triggers the anti-fragile system, once again,

for the listener and for the person who's being listened to.

And when we do so,

we create stronger, healthier relationships,

whether personal or professional.

When we think about giving,

it is important to also think about giving ourselves.

Research by Professor Adam Grant and others

shows that givers who are only concerned

about giving others and neglect themselves,

well, their giving is not sustainable.

Their performance suffers significantly over time.

It is people who give others as well as themselves,

who are able to put boundaries in place when necessary.

They're the ones who can sustain giving.

One of the issues that people have

with the pursuit of happiness

is that it's a selfish endeavor.

And they are right.

The problem, though, doesn't lie

in the pursuit of happiness,

but rather in our words, in our concepts.

You know, when we look at the word selfish

and we look at the thesaurus, what are the synonyms?

Synonyms are: immoral, bad,

inconsiderate egotistical.

These are the synonyms for selfish.

On the other hand, when we look at selfless,

what words are associated with that?

Generous, benevolent, moral, good, and so on.

Now, none of us, given what selfish means in our culture,

want that for ourselves.

And yet when we talk about the pursuit of happiness,

it is a selfish pursuit.

Or is it?

Because when I pursue happiness,

when I give myself, contribute to myself,

I'm in a much better place to also help others.

So is it selfish or selfless?

Well, it's neither and both.

It's selffull.

Selffullness synthesizes the best of both worlds

of selfishness and selflessness,

of giving oneself and giving others.

And they work together reinforcing one another

in an upward spiral of generosity and benevolence.

So what can you do to cultivate relational well-being?

Well, the first thing is, wherever possible,

meet people face-to-face in person,

spend time together in the sandbox or in the restaurant,

or going for a walk.

Spend time, focused time, not when your phone is on,

not while doing work.

Single task rather than multitask.

And then give.

Give your time, lend your ears.

Be generous and be kind.

That will contribute to yourself,

to the other, to the relationship.

And then finally, ask yourself,

"Where can I be open to receive?"

Because the other needs you to receive

so that he or she can give.

When it comes to emotional well-being,

we need to think about first,

how do we deal with painful emotions?

And second, how do we cultivate pleasurable ones?

When it comes to painful emotions,

they are an inevitable part of any life,

including a happy life.

In fact, there are only two kinds of people

who do not experience painful emotions

such as sadness or anger

or frustration or envy or anxiety.

Two kinds of people.

The first kind of people

who don't experience painful emotions are the psychopaths.

Second kind of people

who don't experience painful emotions are dead.

So if you experience painful emotions at times,

it's actually a good sign.

It means you're not a psychopath and you are alive.

Good place to start. We can build on that.

And it turns out that when we reject

or try to reject painful emotions,

any and all of them, we pay a very high price

because these emotions only go and intensify.

They grow stronger.

And paradoxically, when we embrace,

when we accept painful emotions,

they don't overstay their welcome.

So accepting and embracing painful emotions

is critical, is important for well-being.

But once we accept painful emotions,

how do we then cultivate pleasurable ones?

I wanna focus here specifically

on the emotion of gratitude.

You know, I've been keeping a gratitude journal

since the 19th of September, 1999,

not because there was any research on it at that time,

but because Oprah told me to do so on one of her shows.

It turns out that Oprah was right.

In 2003, a study came out on gratitude journaling.

It was by Robert Emmons and Mike McCullough.

And what they showed was

that people who keep a gratitude journal

who at night write, say, five things

for which they're grateful, are not just happier,

they're also more optimistic, more successful,

more likely to achieve their goals,

kinder, more generous, and they're physically healthier.

We do this as a family around the dinner table once a week

where we go around, each one,

and when we're with my parents,

from grandparents to young children, each one saying:

what am I grateful for that happened this week?

It's a wonderful way to start a meal.

And it contributes to overall well-being,

not just in the here and now,

but generally throughout the week.

Now it turns out that this also has impact in the workplace.

So research by Theresa Amabile on "The Progress Principle"

shows that employees who at the end of the day think about,

reflect on one thing that they made progress on.

It could be, "I cleared my table,"

or it could be, "I had a good conversation with a client,"

or, "I did something," big or small, "at work."

Those employees' job satisfaction goes up,

they're more productive and they're more creative

as a result of counting their blessings,

as a result of focusing on wins,

even if they are small wins.

Now, what if in your organization

you could at the end of the week go around the table

and each one just talks about one thing

that they made progress on,

or one thing that they were grateful for

that happened during the week.

Now, why does such a simple, straightforward intervention,

whether we're doing it at home by ourselves,

with others in the workplace, why does it work so well?

Why does it have such a strong impact?

Well, we can find the answer

in the language that we use.

Now, my favorite word in English is the word appreciate.

The word appreciate has two meanings.

The first meaning of the word appreciate

is to say thank you for something.

And that's a nice thing to do, even a moral thing to do.

You know, Cicero talked about,

"Gratitude is the mother of all virtues."

It's a good thing to appreciate

rather than to take for granted.

But there is a second meaning to the word appreciate,

and that is to grow in value.

So we put money in the bank, hopefully it appreciates.

The economy in good times appreciates; it grows in value.

Now these two meanings of the word appreciate,

gratitude and growth, are actually intimately linked.

Why? How?

Because when we appreciate the good,

the good appreciates.

When we appreciate the good in our life, in our work,

in our home, in ourselves, it appreciates.

We have more of it.

Unfortunately, the opposite is also the case.

When we do not appreciate the good,

when we take the good in ourselves,

in our relationships, in our organizations,

in the world for granted,

the good depreciates and we have less of it.

So why not appreciate more?

Why not grow the good in your life at home, at work?

How?

Introduce a ritual.

Maybe with your family once a week

to go around the table

and to talk about the things that you are grateful for.

Or maybe by yourself, with your partner,

just before going to bed

to write down three or five good things

that happened to you during the day or in your life.

And it's okay to repeat yourself.

It just means that these are really good things

and you are grateful for them consistently.

Or in the workplace, whether at the end of the week,

with other colleagues or by yourself.

And encourage your colleagues to do the same.

For wherever you are and whenever you are,

when you appreciate the good, the good appreciates.

We all at times encounter difficulties

and hardship and challenges.

And one of the things

that we often hear from others, well-wishers,

is that things happen for the best.

Well, I must say I don't fully buy this.

I do not think that things necessarily happen for the best.

However, I do know that we can learn

to make the best of things that happen.

One of the sound bites, one of the mantras

that I repeat to myself over and over again,

to my children, to my clients, to my students,

is learn to fail or fail to learn.

There is unfortunately no other way to learn and to grow.

That's how we learn how to walk, by falling.

That's how we learn to be better partners,

through failing and making mistakes.

That's how we learn to be better leaders

by making mistakes and learning from them.

Learn to fail or fail to learn

is the mantra or the marching order of great leaders.

To help us implement the ideas

within the SPIRE model,

we can use the SPIRE Check-In.

And what we do then is identify where we are spiritually,

physically, intellectually, relationally, and emotionally.

And then ask questions

around each one of these elements.

Questions that can raise our levels of awareness

about what we can do, what we ought to do

if we are to climb higher.

And the change does not need to be radical.

Small changes make a big difference

if, when, consistently applied.

Here are five things based on the SPIRE model

that you can do to increase levels of happiness,

of well-being, as well as success.

First, ask yourself, what is meaningful

in what I'm doing and how can I do more of it?

Second, find times to recover in your daily life.

If you're not exercising already,

start doing so as a form of recovery.

Third, find something that you are curious about

that you would like to read or learn and engage in it.

Spend an hour or two a week in deep learning.

Fourth, switch off technology and spend quality time

with people you care about and who care about you,

whether it's a meal, whether it's going for a walk.

And finally, express gratitude.

Five things that you are grateful for a day

can sometimes literally keep the doctor away.

There is a double standard

when it comes to cultivating happiness.

You see, in every other endeavor in life,

we understand that effort, investment,

hard work are essential.

That it's not enough to just read a book about tennis

to become a great tennis player,

or to learn about music to become a great musician.

We need to practice.

We need to put in the time.

Similarly with happiness,

it's not enough to read a book or hear a lecture

or come up with an idea, as good as it may be,

for us to become happier.

It's the first step and an important first step.

But then what we need to do is put in the work,

invest in finding meaning in what we do in life.

Go out and exercise. Put time aside for recovery.

Engage with text or nature, putting the effort there.

Invest in our relationships, not just rely on the fact

that there is good chemistry or connection.

We need to put in the work.

And finally, when it comes to emotional well-being,

spend time appreciating, expressing gratitude

to yourself, others, and the world.

And when we put in the work that is based on science,

that is based on solid, sound, evidence-based ideas,

that is when we increase our levels of happiness.

And because happiness is contagious,

we do the same for others.

If we can find effective ways

of reducing, minimizing, or eliminating the gap

that exists between knowing and doing,

we will have much more happiness,

much more joy in our world.

We will enjoy significantly more

of life's ultimate currency.

The currency of happiness.

(inquisitive music)

- [Narrator] Wanna support the channel?

Join the Big Think members community

where you get access to videos early ad-free.