delusion and self fulfilling prophecies // EP 29 - Pretty Lonesome

hi guys welcome back to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome this week I'm going to talk a little bit about being delusional I've talked about this before in my episode called how to be hot and confident but I have since developed

more thoughts on this and more evidence to back up my arguments so I will be starting now okay so here's what I think when I made that episode how to be hot and confident I'll link it below if you

want to go watch it or you can just [ __ ] type it in to the search bar um I actually was not being delusional about being hot or confident in fact I was at such a low point with my

confidence that I was being so mean to myself and I have since that video which was I don't know like six or seven months ago I've basically bullied the [ __ ] out of myself every day and I'm just like you're just the [ __ ] worst

aren't you you just suck you're just annoying and ugly aren't you and I don't know how I was able to make that video I think it's because that mindset of how to be hot and confident everything I said in that video I had had that

mindset about a year before and the funny thing is is I had had that mindset when I realistically had no reason to have that mindset do you know what I

mean I was at a point in my life where I was really struggling financially really struggling mentally I was still at University I didn't have basically any friends I was living in a place that was

£200 in rent a month like dirt cheap and I was still [ __ ] broke and I was writing my disertation or my thesis for my American girlies um and I was so

stressed like stressed to the point of permanent illness I started to be really delusional when I was in like the worst stage of my life okay and realistically

I had no reason to believe this here's my motto okay a lot of your life is perspective and I know that's a basic take duh duh is perspective but I mean

it in kind of a different way in terms of the blessings that come to you are all also based on perspective for for

example if I am doing my manifestations and I'm believing them and I'm starting to feel really confident and I'm believing that I am this person that

goodness comes to and my wishes are granted and I'm just like this powerful kind of being and I'm just so confident and I'm so happy and those are in my

manifestations of like this is who I am I am this lucky person I am this great person and something bad happens to me say I get a flat tire I'm going to see

that flat tire differently because what I will then think is well it kept me safe from something that I obviously wasn't meant to encounter okay for example I got a flat tire not long ago and I was mad about it because I was

like what the [ __ ] I needed to get somewhere and then I kind of pulled myself back and I was like hold on what if you weren't supposed to get there what if something really bad was going to happen either on your way there or you were going to meet someone you

shouldn't have met or you were going to say something you shouldn't have said or just something was you were going to get hurt something was going to happen and let's say this is divine intervention okay that is how I will view that

situation if I believe in myself and I trust the universe to do its thing and I believe that I'm blessed and I believe that I'm lucky and I believe that I am taking care of equally if I'm in a phase

of my life where the world is against me and everything is hard and I am a person who is punished and unlucky and nothing is going my way and I'm not confident and I don't love myself myself then that

flat tire is just a [ __ ] flat tire and I'm [ __ ] late to my appointment and now I have to change it on the side of the road and nothing good is coming of this do you know what I mean so it's like the blessings in your life don't

necessarily increase because you're manifesting them but your mood does and your outlook does and so by that logic so do the blessings that you receive because you start to see them do you

understand what I mean and this was like the biggest eye opener for me when I first started to decide that I was unhappy with my life decided I was unhappy with my life probably about 3

years ago and sorry my phone keeps [ __ ] slipping my octopusy is not doing its job I decided I was unhappy with my life where about 3 years ago I was at University I was in my third year

and I was really [ __ ] stressed out it was like the tail end of Co lockdown I hadn't seen another human for like 6 months and I was dressing like [ __ ] and the reason I was dressing like [ __ ] I promise this is going somewhere is

because my ex-girlfriend dressed like chit love you but really and I dressed exactly like her cuz she was like my idol and I was just like in awe of her and even after we broke up my style

didn't change because I still kind of thought she was cool for some reason and I was dressing very slobbish we'll say and that's cool if that's your style

love it it just wasn't mine and I didn't feel like it matched this idea of myself that I had in my head but for some reason this idea of myself that I had in my head was for an older version of me a

cooler older version of me I turned 20 and I was feeling so different cuz I was like I'm 20 now you know really got to get serious and I was laying in bed one night and I discovered Zara okay why did

I not know about Zara before I've lived in a whole most of my life I'll admit it okay so if you can hear snoring my dog is sleeping next to me I discovered Zara and I went on their website and a lot of the models looked exactly how I wanted

to look they were dressed how I wanted to dress cuz their website's way cooler than the shop cuz every time I I have been into the shop before and I was always like oh this is my and then I went on the website and I was like what

is this High fashion what is this this is not what they sell in store anyway and I said to myself and I have this saved in my phone cuz I I took a picture of myself that night and I said I am

done with dressing like [ __ ] I'm in my 20s these are the hottest years of my life I said I'm a Zara girl now and being a Zara girl somehow ended up

ultimately leading to me being a s lant girl and a deal girl and a PR girl and a Chanel girl everything starts somewhere so what I decided was I was going to be

hot and I was going to grow out my hair cuz I'd had a buzzcut and I it didn't I didn't feel like myself with it I wanted long hair I wanted to be super feminine and I wanted to start dressing feminine too so I was I just made this decision

this one night where I was like what am I doing this isn't me I don't like this and after that in order to kind of become the version of myself I wanted to be I had a list of things I needed to do

one of them get over my ex so I started working on it okay started listening to really upbeat music and of the sad [ __ ] that I've been playing for 6 months and I started jumping around my room literally feeling every emotion that

this song could offer me and it was Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson I still eat that song up okay and I got so excited and this is the first time I learned about excitement and the power

that it has so excited to be over her and to welcome the rest of my life and to be this hot new version of myself where I could wear Zara Clothing and

grow my hair out and I was overdosing on biotin tablets okay to make my hair grow faster and everyone always says how have you grown so much hair in like 2 and a half years 3 years however long it's been this is after like four Heck if I

hadn't cut my hair not kidding you be down here I overdosed on biotin borderline okay um for like a year straight too it was bad but it worked um if you're looking to grow your hair

quicker I recommend but it can give you acne so be careful okay and it can like [ __ ] your body up if you take it I it didn't give me acne but whatever or maybe it did and I'm not kidding you after discovering Since You've Been Gone

by Kelly class or rediscovering I should say cuz I'm not I don't live under that much for a rock I rediscovered the song and I got so excited I was dancing around my little uni room to it I was

literally thrilled I was like I feel so ready to get over her I feel ready cuz for a long time after we broke up I didn't want to get over her I was like I can't like I don't want to forget her I don't want to move on I'm happy to be

here in pain as long as I'm not forgetting about this girl like it was a crazy time in my life and this song was the first thing to make me excited and ready to get over her and it was about a week of me listening to this song

literally every second of the day and being so happy and just feeling this rush and it wasn't genuine happiness but it was like severe dopamine like almost

you're in a manic like it was I don't I don't like to feel that way anymore because it's actually draining but I was it was the first time it happened to me and I can still tap into that emotion

now but I try not to because it's actually hard but like to deal with after shut up um but like a week after I

felt this way who phoned me up my ex and luckily I had been asleep and so I did not see it and I did not respond the next day either cuz I was it was 8:00 a.m. what the [ __ ] am I going to do text

a.m. what the [ __ ] am I going to do text my ex back from 3:00 a.m. the night

before no I'm not [ __ ] insane and then I was like wait what happened there cuz I've been grieving you for like nearly a year and I have been begging the universe for you to call me I've

begged God I don't even believe in God I've sat in our favorite spot in the forest like I've waited for you to show up magically I've prayed on this not religious and I've [ __ ] been praying

for you to just call me text me say sorry make an apology come back to me in some way and you [ __ ] didn't you given me nothing okay and now the one

week I'm feeling happy and I'm actually starting to detach myself from you you call me and you apologize via text via voice message you call I had like 50 Miss calls from her and this was the

first day I was like I think I have some kind of powers I think I might be able to bring desired things into my own life via the energy that I create and that was where my life changed and so then I

got into understanding what manifestation was and I still don't understand it because I I don't like when things get complicated because I feel like it ruins it for me like I see Tik toks and people like oh it's physics

look it up it's it's molecular structure and there's parallel universes all this is proved and we can see in Soul Sy like shut the [ __ ] up cuz I'm never going to understand that but what I understand is

that when I have a strong emotion towards something particularly excitement that is when I have power to bring things into my life now this goes

both ways okay if I and this is what I've been thinking for the last six months I'm stupid I hate myself I'm ugly I'm lame I'm not interesting no one

likes me then that is exactly what I will bring into my life too and again most of it is through perspective perspective about a week before

Coachella I was sat at Alex Cooper's home depressed and I was like I just think I should quit and just shut the [ __ ] up forever and I think

that's the best course of action for me I think I just need to shut the [ __ ] up and stop yapping and then I was like okay well you can do that which is fine like of course you can you can quit

anytime you [ __ ] want but I don't really want to and here's the thing let me just try my hand at this one more time of being delusional so I sat down with a napkin and a pen and I wrote down

some things that I wanted to happen to me at Coachella and I've been wanting these interactions for like 3 months and I hadn't done anything to get them because I was like no like this person

hates me and I don't even think we would get on and like I don't deserve friends and I'm a miserable person and everyone [ __ ] hates me and like well if that's what you believe then that's what you're

going to see babe anyway so I decided I was going to be delusional and I wrote these things down on this piece of paper and I was like okay you know what I'm great I'm happy I'm confident people

like me I easily make friends and um whatever whatever whatever and I had no specific thing in mind I was just like this is my vibe now okay I'm a great person and I make friends all the time

and everyone loves smutling and then um that's exactly how my Coachella went because I believed it because I got so excited just sat in front of this napkin with the possibility that any of this

could be true and I just got this little feeling back in my chest like this little fire right here where I was like wait what if this is true and what if I can make this happen and what if my life

isn't over and what if I'm the same person who has created this life for myself so far and I'm still just as powerful and what if nothing has changed about the way people view me except my

perception of the way people view me and actually the world is still there with open arms for me and what if I have the ability to make new friends the ability to have new good experiences what if the only thing in my way is me and so I was

like let let me just stand out of my own way for five [ __ ] seconds I'll just dare to do that for one week I'll just stop being a little [ __ ] and see if this works what do I have to lose and so

that's exactly what I did and I felt so much better for it I walked to Coachella feeling good just delusionally believing

good things about myself and I say delusional because like I said about the flat tire everything is your perspective I could let me tell you everyone at coacha could have [ __ ] hated me they

could have thought my outfits were ugly they could have thought I was annoying I was too loud I was too quiet I was rude I was overly polite God knows but because I walked into coella thinking

people like me I'm likable I'm a good person with good intentions that's exactly how I thought people viewed me unless they gave me a massive reason to think otherwise which no one did people spoke to me nicely they spoke to me with

respect people wanted to be my friend not everyone but like you know people weren't it wasn't there was no weird vibe I met new people I met old friends

I met new friends I met strangers like it was positive and because of my perspective on the whole thing I walked out of there thinking yeah that was great as opposed to that was actually

awful probably everyone hated me I think I made a mess of myself like five different times like that all could be true everyone could have [ __ ] hated me everyone could have loved me but because I walk out choosing to believe

that I was absolutely fine and that I got on really well with people and that I understood the vibe correctly then that is what I'm going to believe for the rest of Eternity unless someone

literally tells me otherwise and because I believe in that it Ed my confidence so much feeling like I have the social ability to go into an unfamiliar place

and be okay with it and make new friends and see new things and experience new things and now in the weeks after Coachella I'm not worrying about coella I'm not sat here pondering a social

interaction that I had because I think everything was okay and I think it was a positive experience and that is completely up to me okay unless something mad happened where I'm like oh

no that was 100% [ __ ] up no it's like up to me because everything is ambiguous and listen even if you paid someone all the money in your bank account to give you a full and honest review of exactly what they actually think about you and

the way they actually perceive you you still won't know how they really perceive you because you're not them you're not inside their head as much as you might want to be or not and so it's really up to you to make that decision

and I'm not saying this applies all the time okay a lot of people need to realize things about the way they behave and a lot of people aren't necessarily the best people and a lot of people should take a very hard look at themselves I'm not saying this goes

against all rules of reality I'm just saying you can make certain decisions to believe certain things and you will see them come to fruition in your own life

because everything is about perspective you are the only person who can genuinely create your reality you understand I remember in sociology when

I was like 15 I I keep spitting can you guys see it's disgusting um I remember when I was like 15 in sociology I learned about self-fulfilling prophecies and what that was and I remember the first time I heard that term I was like

oh my God so much of my life makes sense now so basically if you don't know what a self-fulfilling prophecy is it's particularly like prevalent in children because your sense of self is left less developed obviously

but it can happen to anyone and it's basically if you are told something about yourself then you believe it and it becomes so for example as a kid I was always told I wasn't very academic

because I was so shy I couldn't speak I couldn't even write things down at school because I was embarrassed of someone seeing my handwriting I when I was like 6 years old I put my hand up for the actually I was definitely like

nearly 10 I put my hand up at school for the first time to answer a question and I got sent to the principal's office to receive a smiley face sticker I my mom she kept every sticker I was ever given

at school so I got sent to the principal's office and I got a little orange smiley face sticker for putting my hand up in glass and answering a question because I'd never done it before because I didn't want my voice to be heard and which is so funny given

what I do now for a living like when did this become a thing but it's probably cuz I have so many years of suppressed words in me that you can't shut me the [ __ ] up now like that's actually genuinely probably why anyways so

because I was so painfully shy as a kid um a lot of people underestimated that I could read or write or really do anything because I wouldn't they would speak to me and I would just blink at them like I wouldn't answer them I

wouldn't tell them oh yeah I know the answer to this question or like I wouldn't write things down so understandably people thought that I didn't know how to do anything um and so I was put into my first special needs

class at age6 even though I don't have special needs people just thought that I was really struggling academically because I wouldn't tell them otherwise I wouldn't tell them I could read a book I wouldn't tell them I could do the two 2 equal 4 cuz I was so embarrassed of

being alive um and I think that all of that built up in my head and also I have a sister that's very bright she's very

academically gifted she always has been she's always been maths and science-based and she everyone knows it she and she's been praised for that since she was a kid me on the other hand

I was not so much praise for that I could always read really good like at home in front of my mom I could read really good and so I've always been praised raised for being good at reading and good at English okay and I don't

think it's a coincidence that I went on to study Linguistics at University because I think it was the only thing I was raised for throughout my life because like I can't do maths and I I can't do [ __ ] science well I'm not

terrible at science but like I'm not gifted at it and like whereas reading I'm really good at and writing I'm really good at and so obviously I don't think it's a coincidence that the one

thing I'm always praised for especially in comparison to my sister who basically can't okay she can't write she can't [ __ ] read she can't spell she's not dyslexic

she's just bad at it like she just it's just not her forte and She [ __ ] hates it too she's so much more maths and sciencey she did physics and math a level like she's one of those and so especially having that comparison to my

sister you're good at this you're good at this I was like Yep this is my personality now and I don't think it's a coincidence that I went to University and got a degree in it and planned my whole life around basically working in the field of linguistics you know I

don't think that's a coincidence and so I also started to realize around 17 when I was like really learning sociology cuz I took an a level in it that a lot of the beliefs that I had

about myself were nothing more than a self-fulfilling prophecy and once I understood what that was I started to debunk certain beliefs in my head so I spent most of my life thinking that I

was honestly just not smart and not academically gifted or anything and maybe that's true because especially at University like I got a pretty good grade coming out of University but I had

to to work for it but also bear in mind I had never bothered like I did not work I I went through the entire of my school career not lifting a finger and what do you expect if you do that you know my

sister kind of did the same but she always did her homework but she always got good grades even if she didn't whereas me I never did a single piece of homework never like never like I'm not

being funny when I tell you probably the most assignments I handed in throughout the whole of secondary school was 10 it was crazy I was homeschool for years to be fair so once I realized it was a self-fulfilling prophecy because of

things that I had been told but not necessarily off of any real reasoning it was just like other things had brought people to this conclusion that I was less able I kind of got a bit mad about

it and I was like wait am I smart can I do this and then I really applied myself and I realized that I could get like top grades I just had to work for them like I'm not one of those people that can just get them but I just had to work for

them and my specialty wasn't always in English I genuinely was always really good at that and I still am and I enjoy it you know I started to realize after learning what the self-fulfilling

prophecy was how strong your beliefs about yourself can affect your achievement in life cuz I had just gone through life thinking that I was stupid

and then one day I realized that's not really true and there were other reasons as to why I felt this way about myself and that's kind of just what I've been

told about myself and also as a a kid with anxiety like serious anxiety like panic attacks I mean I spent most of my life out of Education not most but I

would say at least half is that true maybe maybe more than a quarter but maybe not half whatever um out of Education because I was too mentally ill

to be there like I I talk a lot about mental illness just kind of openly and on this podcast but I don't think anyone really understands like how serious I am

when I say I was mentally ill as a kid I am not kidding I came out this way like I was the first time I left school due to my brain was um I was 7 years old and

then I ended up at another school I got kicked out cuz I couldn't handle my emotions and it wasn't a very good school anyway [ __ ] them because I've spent so much of my life kind of being

like this Troublesome child and and having issues that just took precedence over my education honestly they were more urgent and and more consuming for

me because I spent so much time doing that I was always behind at school and I never like the first time I left school I was seven so it's like I fell behind

in year three that's the second grade by the way like what chance do you have of thinking that you're bright when then you go back to a classroom after being out of school for a period of time cuz your head is [ __ ] up you're not going

to think you're smart but as a kid you're not going to understand hey babe you just have haven't been in class and everyone's got an advantage now cuz they've been here I just thought it was stupid because I didn't understand the material well no one had taught me and

because I didn't understand that as a kid I just had this large belief that I was stupid and once I understood that and where that belief came from I

realized it wasn't real and that was kind of when I think I started to realize who I was as a person and realized that my innate beliefs about myself are not inherently true and that

if you just debunk them and believe something different you will get different results like it's that simple okay I remember I decided one time at University that I was just a genius and

I had do you know why because I had watched killing Eve and I fell in love with the [ __ ] was her name villain Al I fell in love with her and I decided I was I'm not even kidding I was learning

Russian I was like I'm going to learn Russian I was also learning Mandarin at the time and I was lowkey getting good at both of them okay I was doing it at University I was not du Lang going it um

I was like serious about this [ __ ] and I was taking night classes in Russian because I had a crush on a girl okay this is how insane I am and but mind you she's not even a real character anyway

and I decided because she was so intelligent I was like I want to be like her I'm intelligent and I was so [ __ ] crazy about her that I was like no I'm exactly like her also I could probably kill someone if I wanted to also I'm

intelligent or I can just speak Russian now and so I went to my little night classes and I learned my little Mandarin and my little Russian I had to learn Mandarin for my courses but anyway I did not have to learn Russian and I just

decided I was like no I'm actually really smart just cuz I was delusional and I wanted to be exactly like it like this was the last like childish Crush I had where I was like I'm going to be them I haven't done that since thank God

cuz it was terrifying but oh my dog is sing do you guys want to see her so cute she looks dead anyway and during this phase of my life where I was so deeply

obsessed with uh villanelle I got such a high Mark in one of my classes that I was particularly enjoying at the time it

was a class in phonetics um it qualified to be put up for running of like an horor honorary Master's level grade I

[ __ ] me I can't remember what it was but anyway it was in the running for something really cool my assignment um and it was in forensic Linguistics and that's how I figured out that that was what I wanted to do cuz I was like [ __ ]

I'm good at this but just by changing my belief about myself yes by a psychotic obsession with a serial killer Yes but nonetheless okay I changed my belief system and I was like I don't want to be

stupid anymore cuz villain L is smart and so I was like I'm smart and then I just was smart and look it doesn't apply I I couldn't have sat down and taken a [ __ ] science class and understood it

or I couldn't have sat GCSE math exam and passed it cuz you know I never got my m is not embarrassing um I still don't have it this I reset four times it might have been five I don't remember um

that look some things you can't defeat even with the power of thought for me that is maths but some things you can alter just by gaining a bigger understanding of who you are as a per

good morning gaining hi [ __ ] you can have kiss kiss I I don't think it's possible to change everything about your life with a simple thought by any means

but I do think that it's possible to massively change your perspective on yourself to the Avail of something in your life changing and for me recently

that's been deciding again that I'm likable and that I am worthy of people's time because for a really long time I I didn't think that I think it's it's also

been a case of relearning some self-respect and I say this all the time and then I continue to disrespect myself all the time but I think that the way that you treat yourself in your personal

life what you put up with who you put up with it all transpires in your life in different ways like I I could okay you know what i f sorry this is kind of off topic but it's actually not when I

learned the other day this is a topic I don't know why it's just come to my mind I learned that if you have sex as a woman with a man okay or someone with a

penis okay if you have a vagina you have sex with a man wait what if you have a vagina and you have sex with a penis okay you know when you I hate saying

this mom stop watching Mom go away Jess go away dad go away Linda go away okay you know when you have sex and you get that feeling of being turned on and it's

like here it's like you kind of you're like H like you get that wave like you see someone you see something even if it's you're watching TV whatever and you get that feeling of like I'm turned on

like it's it's like a punch to the gut kind of when you feel that way your this is gross your vagina gets longer on the

inside and it was described to me as well I saw Tik Tok as having the female equivalent of a boner okay cuz it like

gets longer it's so gross when you don't get that feeling of being turned on so [ __ ] interesting to me

because how much minor trauma women put into their bodies by having sex that their body isn't ready for is insane I've spent years of my life doing it in

fact I've almost exclusively done it all right it's like bug is literally sitting on it and you're so sweet is your lip cting your tooth are you so

cute love you anyways um isn't that [ __ ] crazy but I was just thinking about small ways that we consistently disrespect ourselves in our personal lives that if you're doing mantras and

saying I love myself I believe that I am worthy of respect I believe that I am worthy of love I believe that I am you know all all these things I believe that

I am all these things it's harder to get results I believe from those beliefs because when you're showing yourself consistently in small ways that you

don't care about that and that you will continue to disrespect yourself and that you aren't embodying someone who would be those things you know what I mean

it's so important to be mindful of like the small little aggresses in everyday life that we do ourself that translate to our brains and our [ __ ] Paris the

[ __ ] is that thing called your spine your nervous system you translate messages all the time I think of I actually don't care if I'm respected I actually don't care if my life is good I

actually don't care to respect myself and I think it happens in small ways day in and day out especially for women and it's really tricky to stop doing those things especially when you're not even

[ __ ] talk about your anatomy and you don't even know that you're having sex your body doesn't want and it's like du I'm not turned on I know when I'm [ __ ] turned on or not but it's also like you can intellectualize yourself

being in the mood or you can just like get yourself in the mood you know what I mean but it's like there is another level to it and it's like well a guy knows when he wants to [ __ ] cuz his dick

gets hard you know it's that simple um but women I guess you know you're supposed to I'm so sorry this is so gross but like people use spit they use other things you don't have to be even

that physically on to still have sex and most women will still do it and it's it's really bad like and the more that I deep it and I'm one of those people that's like oh stop deeping things oh

shut up oh I don't care for this like I don't like to deep things like that in life and I'm just like oh shut up but sometimes an idea like that catches my attention I'm like damn it maybe you're

right maybe you have a point maybe I do need maybe things are that deep you know what I mean like I saw a video I'm yapping I saw a video a couple weeks ago and this woman was like if you're 20-year-old woman living alone right now

for the first time you're probably one of the first women in your ancestry line to be able to live alone in your 20s or at all I was like that's [ __ ] crazy my mom lived alone when she was younger

kind of not by choice she kind of got kicked out but sorry not funny but my grandma definitely never lived alone in in in her youth actually I feel like she

lived alone in her 30s my lineage is kind of well here's the thing mental illness runs in my my family deeply they've kind of just been on their own wave regardless of the times you know

but what is my point I don't know I think what the girl in the video was trying to portray was for a lot of women in this lifetime they will be one of if

not the first woman to be able to live alone and have her own house and pay her own bills and [ __ ] cuz remember women couldn't even have bank accounts 60 years ago now that could be false

information I'm just pretty sure that's true I think it's right could be wrong for sure but I think that's how it goes um which is kind of crazy so I feel like

we just you know need to remember that what am I talking about I saw a comment like 3 weeks ago and it was someone being like I can't wait what the [ __ ] did they tell me they were like I I find it so funny that meline sits down

without a plan for her podcast and just yap yap yaps I was like how do you know I don't have a [ __ ] plan but I don't I've never sat down here with a plan and it's but it feels so good to me to just

sit here and burden you with my thoughts you'll know how I know I'm addicted to my [ __ ] phone I'm filming this podcast episode on it right now which I usually don't I usually use my big camera and I keep thinking where's my phone haven't checked my phone in ages

[ __ ] it's right in front of you I'm staring at it and I keep going where's my phone haven't seen it in 5 minutes guys bug got sick yesterday and I don't know why but we woke up yes it oh good

job we woke up in the morning and usually she runs straight into my bed and we'll sleep there for a couple more hours like I'll go get her from the kitchen where her bed is and she didn't want to be in my room and I was like what the [ __ ] I'm exhausted come back to

bed Bae and she wouldn't and she wanted to be in the garden and I was like oh she feels sick she's like eating grass and stuff I was like oh God then I see her have like violent diarrhea sorry TMI I see her have like diarrhea and I was

like oh my God and then I see her I didn't see her throw up but she came in with like foam around her mouth and I was like oh yucky um and then that was our morning she wouldn't come inside for

like 2 hours she just wanted to be out in the garden cuz she didn't feel feel good um and she's a very good girl she doesn't want to throw up on the floor so um she was sick and then she didn't eat any breakfast she wouldn't even take a

treat and I was like oh my god what have you [ __ ] eaten stupid creature and I genuinely have no idea what she ate like I didn't see her eat anything bad we did go on a walk and she did eat some poop so maybe it was that but she does that

all the time you literally can't stop her there's nothing you can do I've tried trust me and I so I don't know what happened I was thinking maybe it was because I took her to the groomers and they gave her a couple of their

treats and she's very got a sensitive tummy so I was like you can give her a few treats so that she doesn't like hate you for life but like limit it they G they said they gave her four little treats that could have been enough but

to throw up and [ __ ] herself I don't know anyways that's what happened and so I got back like 4 days ago from La um and I'm still really jet lagged so we slept on the sofa the entire day and I

love Loki secretly I love when she gets sick not because it's nice for you I get so sad for you but it means that she wants to sleep with me and so I just got

to lay on the sofa and be jet lagged we watch look to gra naty yeah we sure did my sweet baby yeah you want to tell the people what you think good job yeah

she's my mini me I think don't we look alike somehow I get it like people say we look alike I see it let me let me y more about being confident because I

only see positive things come into my life when I'm confident and it's like I have all the same blessings either way okay I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I don't know that I have a

level of conventional attractiveness I'm not [ __ ] stupid okay whether or not I feel that way completely unrelated I'm not going to pretend like I don't understand that there is a way that the

world sees me and that I can fit in in certain ways okay because of the way that I'm built okay I'm not to I'm not going to pretend like that's not an issue or it's not an issue it's not not

going to pretend like I don't see that and that it doesn't play to my strengths and advantages like of course but I will say that when I start to believe that I

am unattractive and ugly and annoying and stupid the world kind of shows that back to me the people that I interact with kind of show that back to me and

whether or not that is in my perception or in reality it doesn't matter because it has the same effect it it I feel the

misery because that is what I perceive I perceived that they wouldn't like me because I don't look a certain way I perceived that the reason that I was not included in a conversation or not asked

to come out that night was because I'm ugly and so then that is how I live my life you know what I mean when I believe that I'm beautiful or I believe that I'm

likable then that is what I see reflected back to me and then I live my life with higher dopamine levels and that is all it [ __ ] boils down to how happy are you that's it like that that

is the thing everyone strives for and it doesn't matter how much money you have because money might not make you happy it doesn't matter how well here's the thing money does buy happiness I [ __ ] hate when people say that money doesn't [ __ ] buy happiness of course it

[ __ ] does you stupid okay listen since I've had enough money to like afford to live comfortably which is literally only by the way the last 6 months I'm not [ __ ] kidding I didn't

I didn't get paid for so long um I okay maybe the last year I've been able to like feed myself at least but like when I tell you I was not

getting paid I mean it um I mean I was but the money just didn't hit my account for a while so I was still like like living broke like I'm not kidding you it's got better now Wait could you [ __ ]

off go here good girl but now I feel qualified to say the line money does buy happiness of course it does not complete happiness it doesn't buy fulfillment

that's for sure I think people need replace that word with fulfillment cuz it doesn't buy that of course it doesn't it can't buy you love it can't buy you friends it can't buy you well it can buy you experiences but not genuine ones

most of the time and it comes with its own host of problems most of which I know nothing about because I'm not that rich but my dilemma in life right now is where I want to live I don't know where

I want to live and it's crazy that I can just make that choice at 23 years old so here's my here's why I'm thinking and you guys can hopefully give me some advice in my comment section if you're watching on YouTube or you can DM me on

Instagram if you want but if you're watching on Spotify but I don't want to be in the UK anymore it's miserable here

it is so cold and so gray and it's just not the way I Envision my life it's not it's miserable here the people are [ __ ] miserable everyone is stressed

no one is happy every it's it sucks the UK sucks I would love to raise a kid here I would love to live here as an established adult but right now what the [ __ ] am I doing because I can't wear

dresses and I can't get my bum out okay and I've been working hard at Pilates so why shouldn't I get my bum out so my next obvious choice is America CU it's

warmer over there I don't want to live in New York I'm not a New York girl well I would love to be if I was like super rich and I could like afford like a nice house but I just know if I move to New York right now I'm living in a small

stinky little apartment and I don't that's not for me I don't want to choose Struggle No so the next obvious for me is somewhere where it's always warm and that the rent is surprisingly somehow

cheap not cheap cheap is the wrong word but cheap in comparison to London okay and that is La I think La suits me in the weirdest way because obviously everyone knows that I'm not the most

social person and I don't really go in for the big influencer lifestyle it's it just doesn't it just doesn't bring me anything any happiness per se it brings

me anxiety so I avoid it but the reasons that I'm thinking about moving to La is it's warm the cheapest renter than London so true the cheapest renter than

London guys the rent is [ __ ] cheaper than London [ __ ] and I love the weather okay the fact that I had my airon on in

January is insane and it's just like a relaxed place to live it is palm trees it is warmth it is nice cars it is fancy

things not everywhere for sure but like you it is on your doorstep the way everyone is relaxed everyone walks so slowly there like in London I feel like I'm running a marathon every day I'm

like sprinting why why so stupid and it's just like I was like why am I like fighting for my life getting the tube in London at rush hour and like getting

[ __ ] Bitten on the tube and like everyone's rushing it's raining it's cold my heating Bild is through the roof when I could just be in LA and I was like I don't want to be one of those

people that like moves to La cuz a cliche and I hate when other people do it like I like it cuz I'm like oh go you I know that you're definitely having a good time but I whenever I've like been

watching a content creator and they've moved to LA I've been like never mind babe lost another one um but I get why they do it because it's warm and it's

nice and people there are nice wa not all of them but like a lot of them are really nice I it has a bad reputation but I swear it is The Company You Keep because I've met such lovely people

there also I get my Pilates classes for free out there I have to pay £35 a class here okay I can't [ __ ] afford it so I don't know I don't know what I'm thinking I am thinking that I need to

not be in the UK I just I just don't want to like do the whole like moving to to La thing and like be that person but I feel like I could make it cool right guys I feel like I could make it cool I

feel like I could make it tolerable oh God I just can't do that this weather I really can't it's making me depressed and I've only been back to 3 4 days guys I'm actually going to have

to cut this podcast episode off now cuz I need to poop it's snuck up on me so I'm going to have to poop and my dog is definitely getting sick of my [ __ ] she's been in this car with me for over an hour I think I'm going to take a drive

after this and just like drive around and bl listen I cannot stop listening to Espresso by coment guys it's like becoming an ailment I was up till 5:00 a.m. last night because I didn't want to

a.m. last night because I didn't want to turn off the song I'm not kidding you also I'm jet lagged but like I was just so entertained by listening to the song and thinking about things that I was

like I can't go to sleep I'm having too much fun and now I'm exhausted I woke up at 7:00 a.m. but it's fine cuz me and bugs napped all of yesterday so I feel like we got a three nights sleep in one

day anyways cuz she was sick so I was like [ __ ] yeah I'm going to bed and we both just slept the whole day it was great I love when she does that okay I'm going to shut the [ __ ] up I've seriously you know I got in this car thinking I I

have nothing to talk about what am I going to talk about and then I just went and I haven't shut the [ __ ] up since I can't stand myself sometimes anyways I'm going to go thanks for watching this

week's episode of Pretty Lonesome oh guys I have a favor to ask there is something that says follow on Spotify so you can follow the podcast and most people that listen to the podcast don't

follow it which is mean so if you wouldn't mind it's a favor from you to me please can you follow the podcast

listen it's a numbers gay okay and I'm just trying to get paid okay I love you so much thank you for listening to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome I will

be back next week with more yapping y y actually we might have a special guest next week not telling you you'll have to follow the podcast to find out love you guys so much I'm going to go poop I really need to okay love you bye