How to say no to social plans—thoughtfully | Nina Blackshear | TEDxJeffersonU

When we think about creating something piece by piece, we usually think of what we can add to create a hole. For

example, the Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt. 481 ft tall, 216 layers, and 2.5

Egypt. 481 ft tall, 216 layers, and 2.5 million individual stone blocks. This

oldest of the seven wonders of the ancient world shows how an additive process can produce a result far greater than the sum of its parts.

By contrast, consider the statue of David. Its creator, Michelangelo,

David. Its creator, Michelangelo, used a method known as subtractive sculpture, where material is removed from a larger block to reveal a desired

form. Instead of adding piece by piece,

form. Instead of adding piece by piece, he thoughtfully discarded shards of stone until the exquisite form of David emerged.

Both masterpieces both created piece by piece. But one approach adds while the

piece. But one approach adds while the other subtracts.

I began to wonder, what if we apply the subtractive method to the way we live?

Right now, some of you may be taking another look at this talk's description.

Wait, is is this a talk about minimalism?

Not in the way you may be thinking. It's

not focused on decluttering, Swedish death cleaning, or creating the perfect capsule wardrobe.

Today, I want to share how we can shift away from incessantly chasing pyramids of more.

We assume more means better, abundance, winning, while less means worse, scarcity or loss.

But what if you consider another way?

What if trying a subtractive approach like Michelangelo's could reveal a life more beautiful and fulfilling than you ever imagined?

What if this could be your year of no?

This idea may sound vaguely familiar, likely because of its more celebrated twin, The Year of Yes. The Year of Yes, exploded into a cultural phenomenon following Shondaanda Rime's best-selling

book by the same name. She recounts a year she spent always saying yes to every opportunity in order to combat her reputation as somebody who never said

yes to anything.

But what if that's not your story? What

if you're one of the folks in the other camp? Chronically overvolunteered,

camp? Chronically overvolunteered, overcommitted overextended.

You're not just burnt out, you're burnt to an absolute crisp.

Oh yeah, saying yes and taking on more, it comes naturally to some of us and it has taken over our lives.

And no wonder between our deeply ingrained need to please, toxic perfectionism, and a 24-hour diet of social media that tells us, "Well, we're

not measuring up." It's no wonder we feel pressured to always say yes in order to live our best lives.

Everything around us says more is better and doing the most all the time is the path to a life well-lived.

We've become addicted to the noise of constant activity.

But that noise often masks a deeper confusion.

We chase external approval, nodding frantically, and often forget to listen to the quiet voice within that whispers our truest desires.

We convince ourselves if I just do more, more more then I'll be a good parent, a successful entrepreneur, a worthy partner.

The list goes on, but it all comes back to constantly striving to feel like we're enough.

Okay, so swap a year of yes for a year of no. Got it? Sounds simple.

of no. Got it? Sounds simple.

But it may not be easy for two reasons.

First, we vastly underestimate how deeply we are programmed to be agreeable and not disappoint others. This has a

powerful hold on us and our perception of our selfworth.

The crushing pressure to say yes has come to give our lives structure.

As a result, more feels overwhelming but familiar while less

feels alluring but uncertain.

Second, and this is the tricky part, a year of no doesn't just mean saying no to the things you don't want to do. I

think most people understand that.

But in order for this to work, you must also say no to some things you do want to do.

That's more eyeopening.

It's much harder to say no to things we truly enjoy but don't have time for or to wonderful opportunities that aren't

the right ones right now.

But you must make difficult and sometimes ruthlessly aligned choices to curate the life you truly want.

This is where the real challenge lies in embracing that no doesn't always limit Sometimes it expands.

Let me tell you a silly story on my own journey and it is a journey to a year of no.

One thing that you should know about me is that I love brunch.

Connecting with friends over waffles, perfectly poached eggs, and mimosas.

I'm in.

When a mutual friend introduced me to a young woman at a conference who was new to the area, we hit it off right away.

And at the end of our conversation, she suggested that we grab brunch sometime soon.

And I really wanted to.

But I had realized how overcommitted I was, not just in my professional life, but in my personal life as well. every

weekend and most week nights were booked months out with dinners, lunches, happy hours, and yes, brunches. And just a few

days before, I had challenged myself not to add one more thing to that list.

So, there I was in the middle of an increasingly awkward silence with this amazing woman that I really liked,

figuring out how to say no.

I finally said, "I am so thrilled that we met today, and I really appreciate the invitation, but I recently promised myself that I wouldn't take on any more social

commitments, no matter how tempting. It

is 100% not personal, but I have to get my calendar under control."

I'm really glad we met, and I hope we can connect at other events like this in the future."

the future." And then I smiled.

and I held my breath.

She looked a bit shocked at first, but after a beat, she smiled back and she said she totally got it

and that she appreciated my honesty.

We're still friends today.

And while it felt skin crawlingly uncomfortable in that moment, later it felt incredible that I hadn't added one more thing to that

towering pile of commitments and obligations. I'd said yes to me and the

obligations. I'd said yes to me and the life I was curating.

That gentle no, it wasn't a rejection.

It was a thoughtful and space creating redirection.

I know that this is a big leap for many.

But what I'm really asking is for you to embrace a more subtractive way of living. To prioritize depth over breath,

living. To prioritize depth over breath, focus over frenzy, and most importantly, your

own well-being over constantly chasing external approval.

Some of you may be thinking, well, this sounds like being selfish or withdrawing from the world. That's not it. It's

about being intentional.

Every yes comes at a cost. The

commitments that follow occupy time, effort, and mental bandwidth.

Often the yes you give to someone else becomes a no to yourself.

But the irony is learning to say no to some good things

creates the space you need to say yes to the best things.

Now to ease your transition from automatic yeses to thoughtful nos,

I offer three approaches.

Approach number one, pick a litmus test that allows you to make clear and consistent decisions about what you will and won't do. One of

my current litmus tests is, does this opportunity directly build my business or is it just an intriguing distraction?

Yours could be, will this new role allow me to attend 90% of my daughter's soccer games?

if you're using this approach. No,

sounds like thanks for thinking of me, but I've been giving some real thought to how I can support my most important goals. And in

order to stay true to that, I have to pass.

Approach number two, learn the difference between busy and blooming.

Recognize when more is just more and you're crowding your garden by taking on too much.

No, in this case sounds like that sounds like a great opportunity to get more involved, but I've recognized that I can sometimes overvolunteer.

I'm really working on that, so I can't take this on.

Approach number three, audit your current commitments and figure out where you can start chiseling away. Just because you signed up for

away. Just because you signed up for something five years ago doesn't mean you have to do it for the rest of your life.

A nuanced no can start gracefully winding things down, such as it's been an honor to serve on this committee for the past five years, and I have learned

so much. I'm ready to move on and

so much. I'm ready to move on and explore other areas where I can make my mark so I won't be serving another term.

I challenge each of you start small and identify one area of your life where you can begin to say no.

It could be a social obligation like brunch, a work project, or even a habit or relationship that no longer serves you.

Try out the tools and language that I've suggested. Even if it feels clunky at

suggested. Even if it feels clunky at first and then do it again and again and again,

it gets easier and then it becomes effortless and it is worth it

because this is your journey, your life, your statue of David.

Choose wisely as you craft it.

Starting your year of no today by thoughtfully chiseling and subtracting could transform your life.

From the codependence of yes and the overwhelm of more, but not to less to greater.

Thank you.

[Applause]