Parent Psychologist REVEALS Top 3 Parenting MISTAKES (DO THIS to RAISE Healthy KIDS!) Dr Becky

I think when we have kids we have this unconscious wish that they're going to heal us and in reality our kids trigger us she's a clinical psychologist she's a mom of three she's been called the

millennial parenting Whisperer please welcome Dr Becky Kennedy I'm going to take this very like first principles approach to Parenting like right we strip back every assumption anything that could be assumption you're like no

no and what are you left with and I was left with one thing one kids are good inside and there is a difference between good inside identity and bad behavior a

parents words become a child's selft talk if there's one line that would be probably the most healing in people's childhood it's that you've been called the millennial parenting Whisperer is

that right I think Time Magazine wrote that one how do we learn to make sure we raise good human beings without messing them up when we haven't been taught how

to be good parents um so welcome back everyone to the school of greatness very excited about Our Guest we have the inspiring Dr Becky in

the house good to see you welcome thanks for having me very excited I don't have kids but I feel like I had a struggling childhood and I love my parents but I

also know that they could have done some things differently and I think there's probably a lot of us in the world who are thinking I love and appreciate a lot about my parents but they might have also done

some messed up things and if we can start to do our own healing journey and start to reflect that okay maybe they just didn't have the tools they didn't know any better hopefully they had the best intentions

and we can try to have some compassion for our parents as adults then there's some more integration and healing that I

think allows us for us as we grow up right however how do we learn to make sure we raise good human beings without

messing them up when we haven't been taught how to be good parents and to add to that question is it

possible to raise a child that is not traumatized in some way no matter how good we try to raise them I am going to try to answer all

that you'll let me know which parts of the question I I lose as we go um so what you started with just resonates with me so strongly and I think it really is the reason I like get out of

bed every morning right parenting is the most important job in the world and it is the hardest job and it's probably the job we'll have for the longest number of years because everyone knows it's more

than 18 years right so and and someone said to me I'll never forget um it's the only job you care about on your deathbed which I was like okay that's heavy but I think that's I mean I wouldn't know yet

hopefully but I think that's true and it's also like the only job that falls under like very difficult very impactful very ongoing that we literally get no

training for right and like if my friend was a surgeon and called me and said I'm not doing surgery right and I'm messing everything up and kind of messed up this person forever and I'm so bad and then I

started poking around and it turned out she never went to med school or never went to residency I'm pretty sure I would say to her hey like this is not that you're a

bad surgeon like that's not what this is you weren't adequately prepared and it's probably time to invest in resour ources and I just want to say too cuz I think it's important that if she said don't

worry I got my I got I got all my tips on on on Instagram I'd say okay I mean like I you might might want to do a little more in depth than that you know I think you deserve a little better you

know than that and yet this is what parents are set up for when I've asked parents the number one reason why they don't get the support they even think

they need the number one reason I get the number one reason I here is I should be able to do this on my own it's like a shame underneath yeah and there's and there's a shame and I think there's a

really strong societal message as a woman I can say the maternal instinct is like a real thing that people think we should have which really is a way of saying parenting has kind of traditionally been a woman's job I think

they're shifting around that it's great um and it should just be something women have an instinct to do which is a really great setup for any parent when they're struggling to say I guess it's me and I

think when we're strugg I mean I think when we're struggling with anything we have two paths and this is where I think we'll be talking about parenting but you don't have kids I'm sure some of your listeners don't have kids this is in some ways about kids in some ways 0%

about kids and parenting like when we're struggling we can either say what is wrong with me and it's my fault or when we're struggling we could say what resources and support do I need and

there're two completely different paths one is activating and has hope and has a likelihood of change and one is actually spiraling into an abyss and a freeze

state right of Shame which makes it impossible to change yeah and I think parents have typically said to themselves what's wrong with me wow this should be easier you kind of also see on Instagram it looks like everyone else

got their kid to smile for a holiday card and you're like that's not what happened to my kids you know um and you feel like it's your fault and then you don't talk about it and then you fake good and then the next person's like

well that person seems to be having a hard time and then then honestly we feel small you know we don't get those resources we don't feel empowered and kind of happens generation after generation until until this is not

supposed to be depressing this is so hopeful you know what we see at good inside and we we hear all the time from our members is I came here for my kid

like that is not why I'm here now like I now ask for a raise I now can stand up to my partner when they're mad at me I now know that it's okay for me to go away for a weekend with my college

friends even when my partner and my kids are upset like have their feelings like I can have empathy and I can still do the things I need to do for myself and in that way I feel like what we're

talking about is a lot of stuff you talk about is actually just I call it sturdy leadership and what's interesting to me is I feel like we' have a lot of models for sturdy leadership in the workplace like there's a lot of thoughts now like

you can't really just yell at people and expect them to get better at work and I even think that's like been modernized on the sports field like the best coaches like kind of know you got to connect before you correct and what's

kind of amazing and sad and yet we're there I think hopefully now is like parenting young kids is kind of the last place to modernize where sturdy leadership kind of gets applied and what

it really looks like and how it benefits everyone but that's really what good inside is you know it's interesting because I don't think I've ever heard that connect Bo you before you correct

and I I just had a flashback to all the coaches that used to scream at me when I would drop a football or miss a basketball shot or or just mess something up or I was wasn't paying attention or whatever happened and just

screaming at me belittling me you know making me feel less than in front of my peers my teammates and shaming me to try to get better and I remember just feeling like

resentful and angry all the time right and Afraid now I would still work hard but I didn't come from an emotionally good place so I didn't want that to happen again out of fear of Shame as

opposed to someone actually sitting down and connecting with me I did have great coaches also who took the time to connect with me and ask me questions and why are you so angry why are you

reacting like this what's going on why are you so frustrated why did you fou that person that way like you know what is going on I use Sports analogies all the time and connect before you correct I there's a lot of phrases I'll take

credit for that one's not mine I actually can I don't know who said it first but it it's beautiful and it gives you an order of operations right where I think about this all the time like my kid is hitting their brother or my kid lied to my face about something that you

know know is important like I don't know whether they studied for a test whatever the behavior is right and I find out and I see them hitting and I just kind of send them to their room or I like take away their iPad or something which I

always say is like the worst thing because when you're a parent you really like now I have to deal with taking away their iPad I don't even want to do that I like when they have iPad time nobody wins like why did I do that you know um

but I think about a basketball coach and I think about a kid who is missing layups all the time and I think about watching my kid's basketball coach if that's my kid yeah the coach is like you

go to your room and you come back here when you can make a layup and I feel like all the parents would be like why like why would that even what's the theory of why that would be effective

forget like what is my you think my kid is now going to their room and Googling how to make a better shot like yes you might have to pull the kid out of the game but you probably want to say hey

like this is not your game right now I believe in you and like we're going to get in the gym tomorrow and get to the bottom of this and figure this out and if that was my kids's coach I just don't know if the parents would say that coach

is really condoning bad behavior they're really encouraging that coach is making it seem like it's okay to miss L like it doesn't make any sense but we actually

have a system of doing that to our kids over and over and then we wonder why so many teens and adults feel so

awful about themselves well when you reflect back to a kid that they're a bad kid during the stage they're forming their identity that will stick with them

for a while and it's hard for them to kind of unwire that I guess right and believe that they're actually good and totally possible like to me if like there's one thing I ever want someone to take from anything I say is it's never

too late it is never too late repair is amazing it is never too late the parent who's listening now is like oh no I guess I messed up my kid forever you did not by the way I sometimes say bad things to my kids too we're human but to

me it's the starting point of right like my kid is good inside that's why like everything we do is called that and to me that idea isn't just like a phrase that sounds like to me it's actually a

core principle that is very different from a punishment or fear-based approach which is if I believe my kid is good inside and I was find visuals helpful so I look at one hand I'm like this is my kid this is who they are that's their

identity and they are good inside and then I look at my other hand very far away and say like this is their behavior this is what they did and I would agree with a l lot of parents telling me like

oh they lied to your face I would agree like not great Behavior they hit their sister definitely not great Behavior but those things are different and it's really important with your hands to keep them separate because you could then

look at one hand and say I have a good kid who who hit their sister and the only reason we want to punish and come down so harshly on our kids is because those hands collapse is because I see

the bad behavior and I don't even realize it's so fast in my brain but immediately I assume I have a bad kid that that is my kid that is my kid it's collapsed and to me I mean good side is

more things but everything else flows from the foundation of like actually separating behavior from Identity which I think you get this but not everyone does so it's important to name that

doesn't mean condoning the behavior like trying to understand Behavior we think means approving of behavior but trying

to understand why my kid is missing a layup I don't think anyone thinks means that I think it's cool that my kid can't make a layup they're they're different but that separation is

the foundation for everything what would you say are the three biggest mistakes of modern parenting today is it okay I don't for some reason the reason mistakes that when I think about feels very like shame inducing so

it feels like final so like what are the three things that I want to like myths or things I'd shift yeah what are the three things that you think parents could do differently today to have a

better connection with their children I think that would be number one number one is that trying to understand your kids bad behavior is the foundation

for effectively changing their behavior so understanding it first you can only change what you understand what if you don't understand it that's a great thing to acknowledge I don't understand why you're doing this that's exactly stop

doing it right and if a parent said to me I'd been like really I'd be like Louis that is so beautiful we know exactly where to start and this goes back to not having the skills like why would you understand a kid's Behavior

it's very comp licated and so it would be like a surgeon saying I don't understand how to do the surgery like and i' be like yeah of course well you don't go to medical school like let's get you into medical school like there

are places where you can do that like really so we have to understand before we intervene okay right I think that's like a princip might have to learn research ask questions get you know feedback from other people whatever

might be right 100% there might be experts there might be the right Community there's courses we can take there's so many resources right now there's the book we do a million workshops right the reason I do workshops is because I

was like I I have this private practice where I see a very limited group of people and I was like honestly at the end of the day I kind of have some version of the same like 10 to 15 sessions all day long they're always about the same topics right slightly

different story but same core things and I was like I would like to democratize access to that so that's what my workshops are they're just things that would come up in private practice but to more people so there's so many resources

that's number one okay number two is that our job is not to make our get happy that is so important and so countercultural why is our job not to make our kids

happy because when we focus on making our kids happy we actually start to make them fearful and less tolerant of all of the

other emotions that will inevitably be part of their life into adulthood and so when our kid says I'm G

make this up like um I'm the only one in my class who can't read it's like the most painful moment as a parent oh I feel my kids pain right

and maybe it let's just say it's true they really might be we have the urge to say everyone reads at their own pace or but you're amazing at soccer but you're

so good at math I want to make them happy all that does for my kid as because during childhood kids are not just learning about a situation with a parent they're

taking interactions and they're making generalizations not from one moment but patterns about what emotions are safe what emotions can I deal with what can I

tolerate and what emotions as soon as I feel them do I need to like turn off right away and so when a kid says I'm the only one who can't read the truth is

when our kid is adult they probably won't say that but they'll probably say I'm the only one who whatever it is didn't get a job yet I'm the only one of my friends who um didn't buy their own house right whatever it is like we're

always going to feel that way and so when we make our kid happy what we actually say to them is I am just as scared of this emotion you're feeling as

you are wow and so then what I don't want to deal with this emotion I'm Terri I want to run away from it I want to do anything but this and so what a kid circuit is I feel let's say it's this I feel less than or could be I feel

jealous I feel sad I feel disappointed and what gets layered next to that in the circuit is my parents fear my parents avoidance those things get put

together the irony is when you make happiness a goal of childhood you actually set a kid up for an adulthood of anxiety because they have a range of

emotions that they've encoded as wrong and fearful and to me anxiety actually isn't a feeling it's the experience of wanting to run away from a feeling and if avoiding it yeah it is and you can't

really run away from a feeling inside your body that's what anx IDE is you're like wait this is not going to win and so to me the idea of we want to help kids become resilient resilience over happiness and resilience comes from

being able to tolerate and sit with the widest range of emotions not constrict ourselves to I interviewed a brain surgeon on here who's also a a

neuroscientist a PhD in Neuroscience but also had done a thousand brain surgeries and I said what's the number one skill you wish every human being could learn to be better humans and he said emotional Reg

ulation like from doing a thousand brain surgeries and studying Neuroscience the mind he was like emotional regulation will support us and being healthier happier human beings and it goes back to

what you're saying which is learning how to navigate all of the emotions and be with them and feel uncomfortable and sad and know how to manage them not avoid

run away be distracted by them right that's right because like when I you know I was joke when I was in private practice I saw a lot of you know year- old 30-year-old 40-year-olds and not one

of them came to my practicing Dr Becky like I had the best parents and you know those emotions other people feel like jealous and sad and like those hard things I I got rid of them my parents got rid of them I've never felt them

again like that's never that it obviously has never happened but what happened over and over even though no one said it but their stories and

behavior really exemplified it was I am now 23 I'm now 45 and I'm literally no better able to regulate frustration and disappointment and sadness than than I

was when I was a doler wow and but the stakes are higher way higher as an adult way higher so emotion regulation that is the goal of childhood I mean that's the goal of adulthood too by the way it's

still the goal we're all working on it you've been called like the the millennial parenting Whisperer is that right I think Time Magazine wrote that one Time Magazine call you the millennial parenting Whisperer I've had

Caesar Milan who's the dog whisperer on and and um you know people come in to say Hey how do you fix my dog and he fixes humans essentially he teaches humans how to lead themselves better and it sounds like parents come to you and

say how do I fix my kid and you're coming to them and saying well you need to learn how to be a better leader and heal and reprogram yourself and learn how to regulate your emotions so you can

manage these situations would that be accurate that is completely accurate and I think you know I doubl down on that and say I think when we have kids we have this unconscious wish that they're going to

heal us and they trigger us oh that's what happens when you have kids so I say it again we have an unconscious wish that our kids will heal us and in reality our

kids trigger us why do we think our kids will heal us because I think in general we all have the wish that something in the external world

something we can gaze out at will finally give us the comfort and the sense of Safety and Security that we've always been yearning for and part of adulthood I think in involves learning

to gaze in not from a place of it's my fault but from a place of actually like I have the power and it's hard but I have the power to do that myself wow oh

my gosh okay so want to get to the third thing yes let's get to the third thing the third thing I want parents to know and like to me this is I should have said it's the first thing I messed up my order okay so I save the best for last

start over um but the last the second thing was resilience over happiness yes and I well I want to ask you before you get a third thing how do we raise

resilient children okay then this is I I'm excited I'm excited we can put the third thing out there we'll leave everyone with a cliffhanger what's the third thing if this one's important if

that one's even more important okay so I think first of all again and and we have to understand before we intervene so how do we build resilience well what is resilience right and we have to really

understand that and I think that resilience really is our ability to tolerate hard things and the word tolerate is important because we all think it's the ability to like get through it the getting through happens

when it happens and the truth is the longer you can tolerate something not something toxic that is so not what I'm talking about or abusive but the longer you can tolerate something hard the success is going to find itself and it's

going to be more likely because you were able to stay in the hard place can you give an example of what this would be like for a parent and a child sure I can give you two different examples very concretely right so this is something I teach to a lot of um parents and one of

my favorite my frustration tolerance Workshop which is relevant for school for everything so let's say and say my a three-year-old is is doing a puzzle I can't do it you do it for me you do it

for me this is a good example right and as a parent I get it you got home you're like this is like the last thing I want to do tired I want to relax I was going to have a nice night with like you know

my kid I get it but I I'm really driven by impact and so like I actually get this like sick Joy when my kid is on the verge of a meltdown really yes especially when I've been working a lot

cuz I'm like if I'm going to spend 20 minutes for my with my kid like I'm going to make it count and like it's nice if I'm there for a pleasant 20 minutes of course but if I want to have an impact oh I like literally can

picture my impact on him so you're like hoping when you come home that having a breakdown and that temperar in life that's when we're going to be a big breakthrough right like but in a way I think that's a a really important

reframe like especially if you're a parent who travels a lot or you're not around a lot to be like wait like I can have it's not easy it's certainly not convenient that's the one word parents need to know having kids is not fun or

convenient in most situations it's not at all and this is like your it's like your Super Bowl right now like this is your opportunity you know because my kid and

how I respond to the puzzle is not going to remember anything about the puzzle their body not from that one time but from pattern their nervous system is going to be developing expectations

around what can I do when things get hard what can I get away with right or yeah and what what should I expect what

is my self talk a parents words become a child's selft talk a parents words become a child's selft talk wow yes so what so what your parents say to you over and over again is what you say to

yourself especially when paired with an emotional situation so when I'm frustrated did I have someone come and I always say like frustration is now like super bright do I expect someone to come

and turn off the light no frustration or do I expect someone to come and like by the way they're present with me they dim they dim the light so

it's just not so blinding that's emotion regulation interesting like that's the best to gets there are drugs that will do that better for you but they have you know that's not what we recommend for people long term like when we're talking

about true emotion regulation we're talking about a dimmer because it's impossible to deal with something when it's a 10 out of 10 even nine out of 10 is really hard once you get to an eight or a seven it's not pleasant it's not

convenient but you you you start to be able to tolerate it and from there you can you know get maybe to a six or a five that's the goal for our kid so I'll model this my kid is freaking out about the puzzle now to be clear are there

times that I'd be like I'm giving myself permission to do the puzzle cuz I can't deal with this of course I'm a normal human everybody has to give that permission to themselves and so doct B you're not a perfect parent like zero no

no no no everyone listening to what I'm saying don't think like I actually do this all the time you come home and that after a long day and you're like okay what do you need right now and you're stressed out okay I'm going to do this puzzle with you yeah and that will eventually get to point three and I

wouldn't wish Dr Becky as the real parent on any kid it's just like you learn the most I'm true you two in life you learn the most from people who struggle and repair and of course right so but here's this like moment and there's and I can go through an older

kid example too because it's not as obvious but like my kid is frustrated my kid's going to be frustrated for the rest of their life in higher stake situations they're going to be giv something from a boss be like I don't know how to do this right and like I

actually don't first all I definitely don't want my kid when they're 25 to call me and be like can you do my project for me definitely don't want that I don't want them to be indignant how could this person have I want them

to have some type of weight I don't know what I'm going to do but I have a feeling I can just think this through or get a little further so if that's what I

want there that is not unrelated to the pattern of how I interact now wow so I could say here's the piece once in a while I do that not great for long-term resilience

so here's what I might do okay and I'm going to my kid is starting to have a tantrum and even he's saying do the piece I can't do it I'm say sweetie

sweetie this is this is so hard this is so hard and I know I have real kids they it's not like they are going to say to me oh that's so helpful to hear no it's not going to happen they're going to still freaking out but their reaction is

different than the power of my intervention also to separate things I might say this I might say oh so many pieces I don't know where it goes does it go here does it go here does it go

here and if my kid is like do it for me I really and I've said this to my kid said listen sweetie I'm not going to do it for you here's why I know you're capable of figuring

this out and the best feeling in the world is the feeling you get when you think you can't do something and then you wait a little bit and you see that

you can do a little bit more and I'm not going to take that feeling away from you and so I'll take a deep breath with you we can take a break but like I know you can do this okay and when I hear people

be like does that work yes I mean it doesn't that work for adults imagine you having a hard time at your job and you saying to your manager like you do this one if they're like listen I'm not because I know you're capable and like it's okay if it takes some time it's

okay if you take a break I can be here to like kind of think about where could that piece go o is that an edge o EDG is in the middle probably not in the puzzle where do oh you're right edes go on the

outside look at you my kid experiences the win and what their body learns is when I get frustrated I don't look for the answer for someone to take that away

from me and give me Immediate success by the way if we really want to get into it if we want to know what entitlement is entitlement is the accumulated experience of feeling frustrated and then having someone else give you

immediate success wow that's what it is without you having to do it and I'll never forget seeing this family of 16-year-olds who was like horrified their kid had full on tantrum at 16 because they weren't flying for class

and they were like gosh every parents Nightmare and they're like how do we get entitled kid the most well-meaning parents but this was a kid every time something thing didn't go his way and and I think money makes this more

complicated because you can buy kind of your way out of kids frustration you can so it's almost hard to resist that if that's an option but every time it was like frustration success frustration a new Option frustration I figured it out

because someone else did something for me well what you finally get to the point at 16 if that's your circuit and then you're frustrated because something surprising it's not really about first

class your body actually is like WTF like I literally was not built to tolerate this and then it ends up looking awful but really it's really vulnerable right super vulnerable super

vulnerable so I want to give you one more example of resilience there's three lines I think every parent needs to know and I honestly have can almost reframe that saying I think every person in a relationship needs to know whether you're in a romantic relationship a work

relationship it's the same stuff because another resilience building moment I can imagine kind of like what I said to you earlier let's say your kid's a little older I'm the only I'm the only kid who doesn't know how to read chapter books

or I'm the only one of my friends who didn't get into honors math so teenagers yeah let's say that I'm the only kid who didn't get into honor math I tried out for the lacrosse team all my kids my friends made it and I I didn't make it

right everyone me included okay my first instinct is to quote make my kid feel better oh you're going to make it next year or you made you made Varsity soccer

and none of them made soccer right whatever whatever the thing is or we say you're going to see it's not a big deal okay so here's the image I'm big on images this is going to matter in 20 years or whatever you we say right the truth is we kind of say it cuz we're

uncomfortable and we're just kind of making a kid a pawn in our game but like if you picture your kid on a bench and if you picture like them kind of in a garden that's what I like to see that's like the parable for Lun life the garden

and there's a bench and essentially when your kid says I'm the only one who didn't make the lacrosse team let's say they're sitting on the bench of what is it disappointment or maybe it's embarrassment

or both or feeling surprised and let down I don't know it's something like that that's the bench and as parents we tend to have two instincts when our kid is on the bench kind of of some type of

distress we either want to tell them that their bench isn't their bench like that's not a big deal even though they're like but I'm but that's how I feel but I'm on it like I'm or we kind

of see a sunnier bench and we're like just come with me right but like you're the best at you know at soccer and so

we're like right and both of those reduce resilience cuz resilience is kind of like your ability in that Garden of Life to like whatever bench you find yourself on you're able to sit in it not

drown in it but sit in it like cuz when you're there you inevitably will be like you're not terrified it you're not spending all your energy like running away from a bench like if you saw that you'd be like dude like what just just a

bench you know just and so how do we help our kid feel like essentially like it's okay to be them no matter what bench they're on or it's really it's okay to be you even when you don't make

the low cost team cuz that's really the essence that's the core thing that resilience is about so how long should they sit on that bench of emotion great so to me these three lines will play that out so to me as soon as your kids

say something distressing to you we have those two urges we have to recognize them we're not bad people just I always say say hi to them hello urge to make it better and here's to me is the first line every parent needs in their toolbox

I'm so glad you're talking to me about this to the the child say that to the child right away when they're stressed out when they're angry upset shameful any any unsettling emotion that you

don't enjoy yourself say back to them I'm so glad you're telling me this right now that's right I'm so glad we're talking about this that because and again if you think about an adult context if I was like I'm so mad at my

husband he never whatever whatever it is he never is home for bedtime and he he forgot the one thing I said and if I was like Hey like you're never you're never doing anything around the house and I

I'm really frustrated if he said to me you know what Becky well you're upset but like I'm so glad you're telling me about this like you know relationships I'd be like I think we're good now like I don't I I don't even know what was I

upset about like because what someone's really saying to you when they say that is this feeling in you that you're feeling is real and I still want to be in a

relationship with you when you're feeling that way yeah I still love and accept you that's right and so our kids need to absorb from us from a resilience

perspective my parent can tolerate this part of me before I learn wow to tolerate this part of me wow so that's

line one line two I believe you I I always say like if there's one line that would be probably the most healing in people's childhoods wow and the most

confidence building from childhood it's that and it's so simple like cuz when you say to someone what if you really don't believe them though well there's always something you should believe so

so right because like they're like I didn't make the lacrosse team and um oh and like I'm I'm never going to be able to go to school again or something it's so embarrassing right I'm not saying I

guess you can never go to school again that's not what I'm believing I believe that's how you feel that's right and you know even have to say that because underneath our kids extreme verbalizations we get very cut up in

their words yes they represent a world we believe the world and so even like I'm never going to school again I I would say like I believe it it feels

that bad and because I do it does and it's like it just it is like he's on that bench like right I especially someone of that age who doesn't have the skills of emotional resilience so

they're building it still and they haven't figured out how to manage those emotions it seems horrifying that's right seems terrifying that's right and if my kid says I'm the only one who didn't get a chapter book you know I got

this picture book and everyone else is reading chapter books it's so easy to say you can't be the only one we actually say to our kids all the time which terrifies me I don't believe you and if we wonder why people don't trust

their emotions it's because when they felt emotions that were strong they received not one time over and over a message of I know your

feelings better than you know your feelings or just suck it up or it's not that big a deal or just kind of undermining their emotions right that's right and so when I think about I believe you I do like I have a daughter I have three kids I have a daughter and

like I don't know why I always pick like she's at some like college party in some like kind of uncomfortable situation let's just say how old is she now how old is she now she's nine but let's just

say she's now she's 20 and someone's like I don't know come back with me and let's just she wants to do great but let's say she doesn't yeah you know in those situations be like it's not a big

deal you know do I want her selft talk to be I do have a history of other people knowing what I'm feeling better than I know what I'm feeling or do I

want her to be like like I know I don't want to go home I like I'm want to cry like I believe myself and I this person is telling me I want something else but like how could

this person know because I know what I'm feeling and those things are completely related and so that's the second line wow and then the third line is equally

simple is just tell me more tell me more oh and then oh so they posted the list on the pinb wait so everyone was oh my goodness everyone was there and let's say I knew my son had a

crush on someone oh that person oh that person was there too and you were like so excited you were going to like be on the lacrosse team and that person saw saw that you failed and exactly so I'm just like flushing out the story and now

at all these moments that my kid was in pain which by the way part of the pain was probably that they were alone kind of infusing myself in every moment I'm adding connection I'm adding believing and here's the thing about the bench in

my experience when you kind of go through this your kid gets off the bench before you do every time really and then you're like I guess where where are they going next and when they need you come back yeah

you find them on that next bench interesting so they'll get off this F bench faster of emotions if you go through one or all three of these questions or these these phrases right really do and look we can't just like

say them like if I'm sitting my kid I'm like I believe you tell me more like they're gonna be like what are you doing like did you hear that on some podcast you know so um that won't help right we

we we process intention and tone before language so that has to be there and like I don't want to say it's some magic and to me when do kids get off it like I don't know we all feel feelings for whatever amount of time you know but if

like I get it like parents are sometimes worried like am I going to stick them there like feelings don't give us problems as much as feeling alone in our feelings give us problems feeling alone

in our feelings give us problems that's what makes us stuck interesting we're literally stuck because we're alone like humans are we're beings of connection and attachment attachment is what's driving us so we're always attachment

seeking and when we're not getting the attachment we need we will get stuck and Frozen like you were kind of referring to you're Frozen and so it's interesting we have such a fear of if I connect I'll

keep them there longer it's actually aloneness that keeps them when there longer and actually makes them intensify things because when we don't get our emotions taken seriously by someone everyone forget being a kid adult too

you escalate the expression because you're that much more desperate to be taken seriously which usually makes people be like I can't you're so dramatic okay you know now they have to escalate even more until you pay

attention to me exactly which is why they I believe you and it can be healing too and repair like hey you know like you're still stuck on this lacrosse thing because I get it from a parent like they didn't make Lacrosse four

months ago Dr Beck right but if you just assume and it's not right but it's it might be effective right like there's a million ways to interpret things I always say like you can be right or you

can be effective like I urged the effective you know so just say like you know what like I don't feel like I ever fully understand how awful that day was I'm just going to sit in your bed and the idea of sitting on a bench like I think that's usual it's like sit on the

bed with your teen or you know and I'm just going to listen and I would say to your kid not listen to judge or give you an idea CU actually that's not listening listen understand and that just means I

want to hear you I might ask things to clarify but what I've never said to you and I should have said is I believe you that that day felt as

bad as you said it did and like not like normal bad not like I went to my favorite ice ice cream store and got an ice cream and it dropped off my cone not

like like a billion times worse than that and I just how parent I feel like a parents be like my kid

really my K started crying or my kid like something released and they soften like I mean you know this like at our core we are desperate to be believed that's like our most cor it's true just

believed and seen and like so so many of these times when a parent feels like my kid is stuck in that the thing that we need to shift is actually taking the opposite approach we us like you don't need to feel like that anymore that was

4 months it's actually sticking them more it's just like wait staying in the emotion more yes saying let's talk about it more tell me more about this yeah just tell me more I must not have understood something and then of course it's helpful to have language look this

was super super helpful like kind of I wouldn't say this to my kid but we're going to time box this you know like things that you know and you know about it for what 30 minutes and then sure I always like talk about when I used to work with adults like who are really

kind of looping in their anxiety like we're never worry window for like the top of an hour for 10 minutes you're going to literally just focus on everything you're worried about and like if you ever have a productive hopeful thought you're actually not you're going

to say sorry no worry time no no I'm only negative stress only right now I'm going to write it all down and then during the other 50 minutes you're say hi worries and don't worry like it's kind of like when you have multiple kids like you will you don't even want my attention now you don't have my full

attention like you're going to get my full attention at at two we're 15 minutes away and and and our our feelings actually they kind of do respect that and I think kids would too so I want to talk to you about lacrosse

and I want to be honest I want to talk about it I haven't been the best listener I really haven't I'm going to do that differently you're going to see not going to be perfect but you'll see a difference at 1:10 that's what I'm going to call it not because you're not

allowed to have feelings after that but feelings are tricky like it's super helpful to know them and it's helpful for feelings to know they even have a boundary and so at that point you know like we're we're going to do something

else or at least I'm going to do something else yeah we can do that now everything you say here makes a lot of of sense to me and I fully believe and

understand that this is a great approach um to building relationship with anyone right a partner a child anyone but I think about you know our grandparents

generation or great-grandparents generation that didn't have the conveniences the ease the speed of things that we do the flexibility the just pay for something and you have a

solution done in seconds uh the distractions and I could see them saying you know what are you guys talking about this just what do you mean have all these

loving conversations and really sit down for 30 minutes and let them talk about nonsense or whatever you know I could just think about our grandparents

generation some of them thinking what do this even mean because we don't have that luxury to do that yeah we've got to work hard you know there's Wars happening we've got CH we're other stuff

we're dealing with than trying to deal with a simple little emotion I'm all for not being being that way I'm all for having loving vulnerable

conversations but again what's what I'm hearing you say is learning how to prepare individuals to be resilient is going to be one of the greatest skills that they can

learn but it seems like it's really tough these days to build resilient children into young adults and adults with all the ease flexibility and distractions we have I mean I think

you're absolutely right it is really hard and I think it doubles down on the reason why parents like okay where's my school where's my resources cuz like this is a hard world so there's a couple things I say like if someone ever said

to me like Becky this does not make sense like this is like it's like oh you're talking about across feelings forever like I really mean this like if they were in the room saying that to me 0% of me would even want to be like here's my argument back I I really like

I I'm a deeply curious person like I really am I be like oh like well what and what would that lead to like what would you be worried would happen like what would we be missing there oh that's a good point let's or oh I see it this way like I would actually I there's

nothing I love more than engaging in people who have very different opinions for me not because I see it as a match like I actually learn a ton so I have deep respect for people who don't think that way and would say that's the way

the conversation would go one thing I'll say though is we have this idea and it's been passed on to us generation after generation that like feelings are soft it's just like bananas to me like no

part of me like when I think about my style my Approach like the word soft people actually say to me often because there this whole feel of gentle parenting like tell me about gentle parenting I don't even know exactly how

you define gentle parenting gentle is like the one of the lowest on the list of adjectives i' used to describe myself that doesn't mean mean there's a lot between but gentle stoft like that is so

not me right that's just not my style it's not my Approach what is your style of parenting I call I mean if I had to put a name to it and I hate boxing myself in but it would be like the word sturdy is it and to me sturdiness is

your ability to both be connected to to someone else and stay connected to yourself at the same time and the irony and this is what I think is so

interesting we feel before we think our feelings are what give us basic information about survival about danger

and about what we need that's what our feeling is like anger is a feeling most of us haven't learned to manage it that's a different topic but anger is a feeling that tells you what you need

that's you useful information to live a life in line with your values like feelings being soft like I feel like someone said that thousands of years ago and for some reason like it it doesn't

like it just doesn't make any sense to me it's the first thing what first thing in a circuit is soft it's primary it's literally primary now most of us were

not raised to manage our emotions but the way I see it from the start is kids are born with all of the emotions and none of the skills to manage emotions

wow and for Generations we've said the emotions are the problem the lack of skills are the problem right because the emotions they're going to beat us every day

they're inside of us you can't get rid of them if you can't beat them join them like that's soft it's like it's like something we justify to ourselves so we don't feel weak like well the funny thing is parents they don't like the emotions of the child but they can't

manage their own emotions a lot of times well that's actually what it is like when we say let's say my kid is melting down cuz classic let's say toddler I cut their grilled cheese in half yeah you

know where I cut it in a triangle instead of the rectangle you going to cut the uh the edges off exactly that's easier at least I can now do that or I did cut the crust off and I'm trying to like tape it back together or something

you know right so my kid's having a tantrum and we say to ourselves and it sounds convincing my kid is so difficult we're not reacting to our kids tantrum we are reacting to what happens inside

of us when our kid is a tantrum and the only reason we want to shut down the Tantrum is because we want to shut down this feeling we don't have the skill to manage oh and so again that we're

inferior yeah like we actually like we're like you have to stop because our body actually is like I don't know how to tolerate the feeling in me than goodness in me which kinds of why it all

goes back to our not our fault but our our skill building and our ability to heal our ability to heal and kind of this reframing like I would love someone

to come out and someone like more you know stereotypically Mas and to be like maybe emotions aren't soft maybe they're pretty pretty tough those things you know like maybe that's like our core it

is our core you know like and the other thing about being soft and I just I always have to say this like I think about the situation where we like Dole out random punishments to our kids like my kid is having this tantrum and I'm

like go to your room or no iPad for the week or no dessert like that is that is freaking soft to me really like that is

desperate no parent is doing that from a place of groundedness like I'm the CEO of my company like if one of my employees was like acting out in some way and I was like go to your room and no lunch for a week do you think

everyone around me would be like Becky is kicking ass like what an amazing they'd be like wow she's breaking down in front of us she's breaking down literally she's desperate wow is

that what they said to you last week or no but like when people ask me about that it's like guess what I lead with the same principles like my job as a leader in that situation is I might have to set a boundary which is something we

could talk about because I love talking about boundaries and I think most people get them wrong um and I might have to connect with that employee after maybe the employees always interrupting me or

something but like sending someone away or like taking away something random like it's just I don't know why that's a sign of like awesome leadership it's a

sign of desperation and that that way I think that way of parenting is super soft so what's the best way to to I don't know if you want to call it punish your children but what is the best way

to create a lesson within them through either punishment or something else right and and I want to ask your first question because it's what I get so my kid did this saying what's a good punishment or how do I give a good

punishment or I don't do punishments but I do do consequences whatever they say right right right right boundaries whatever that's right and to me this actually gets to the core of why I started writing right because I was trained in a very different way of

working with parents it was all punishments timeouts rewards sticker charts ignoring praise it's kind of like praise the good to get more of the good

punish or ignore the bad to get less of the bad and when I went through this very esteem program I like to me Hest my first reaction I was like this is amazing because the program taught you these strategies yes this is like

probably still the gold standard out there to teach psychologists for how to work with parents work with kids 100% And and and what happens if you're all

is it lights up the left part of your brain CU it's so linear and it's so seemingly logical I don't think it's logical when you break it down but you're like that's right like I'm going to get more of the good behavior I'm

going to get less of the bad behavior and and and so it all kind of like made sense at the time but then I think what happened in my private practice is like I would be I

would I was like teaching parents that these ways you know they'd come to me my kid is you know doing something that would deserve a punishment say okay I'm going to teach you I'm give a timeout here's exactly you doing there's a protocol and here's the sticker chart

program you're going to put them on and when they do this I want you to give them praise in this way and when they do this I just want you to kind of ignore them like they're not there like it's this whole like behav it's like raising kids to behavioral control like people don't say that but it's kind of what it

is but I taught this and while I was teaching it I start having my own kids it sounds like it's kind of like training animals though except it's what's really interesting is I've started to I said that a couple times

and actually some of the more modern people who do animal training are like please don't say that we actually don't I'm like we don't train dogs that way anymore and I was like wow we we've

elevated dogs dogs dogs are beyond that now yes yes isn't that crazy like that's beneath our dogs yeah because our kids are our most like least respected citizens right we don't realize that

they actually have the same needs as us I guess dogs do too but so I was in session one day and Honestly for probably the last six months like the way I say it's like I was saying this

and my brain was like yes timeouts yes makes so much sense I'm helping these people um and it's so clear it's just so clear and when kids do something bad I'm just going to say it it

feels it does feel good to give a punishment or time out cuz you're like I just did something and you kind of get to like vomit your frustration onto them like that's all it really is you're like now I don't have to feel that I'm just

going to put it on you so I get it and I was teaching it and this feeling I just can describe as like my body was just like Rising like it was first like I don't know about this and I was like okay and like Becky I really don't know about this and but I was like well what

else is there and I I remember having I was like I don't know I don't know what else is there so I kept having these sessions and then one day these parents came and I was teaching them how to De a timeout and like it truly was one of those I would say out of body but it was

a massively inbody experience that like that feeling got so loud in me that's the only way I can describe what actually happened that I couldn't finish

the teaching and I I just said to them this is going to sound really weird but I don't believe what I'm telling you

literally and I'll never forget their look and they were just like seriously like you came very highly recommended yeah we paid you a lot of money for S lot of money and I was like I will give

you back your money and they're like yes you will and I was like of course and I was like and come back in like a couple weeks I just have to figure something out and they were like we will not be coming back I was like and I do not blame you

like this is a very weird experience I'm sorry it's actually funny like with everything I've done now I keep being like I think they're going to reach out to me one day not yet I don't know let you know um but it just was like I

didn't feel right and and there's all of this evidence for it I'm a Believer in evidence and I love science but yes it's always interesting like it works like Works what does work

mean and I think this gets to the core of your question like does work mean my kid has an intense reaction does work mean that if I happen to have a people pleasing kid who's very attentive to my

gaze and hates to disappoint me that they'll change their behavior for that reason by the way they will have a whole host of other problems by the time they're adults really I mean what would those problems be for kids like that who

just want to please their parents constantly that that's the form of an attachment they formed and so they end up going to adulthood not only being with but actually seeking out and being

attracted to people who are like tell me I'm good tell me I'm good for you and what I want what's going on for me doesn't matter my

safety comes from making sure you are pleased with me wow I don't have to tell you the type of relationships and right but that and it's not so like and that's what's going to happen never too late

but like that that's not something I think every I'm going to say especially like Mom I know and woman I know is trying to like undo a lot of that so you know and I'll never forget a clinical

supervisor saying like you know what else would work for kids cuz I remember he earlier than me was skeptical about all these like timeouts he's like every time I kid did something bad I made them sleep on the New York City street like but I don't know if I had evidence to

show that that worked if that's evidence to brag about I'll never forget I'm like that's a good point like what do we mean when do we have to like be a little more critical right of and I just remember in this session being like I know there's evidence and I don't discount all of it

and it's not like all so bad I'm not a rigid thinker but sounds so cheesy but like what about the evidence in my body that this is wrong I don't know I don't saying it's Superior I evidence it's not

but like what what about that and what about the evidence I have for my private practice with adults where I watch them change their lives based on an approach I use with them that is a 180 degree

difference from what I've been telling parents do with their kids like what about that and like and then what ended up happening is I was like I'm going to take this very like first principal approach to Parenting like right you strip back every assumption anything

that could be assumption you're like no no and what are you left with and I was like with one thing one cuz there's all these assumptions if you don't punish a behavior it's like you're saying it's

okay exactly can do bad things you have to punish like and I was like I think that's an assumption like that's an assumption again because like if I wasn't my nicest to my husband and he's like I have to punish you I'd be like I

don't think anyone would be like I'm not speak to you for a week yeah I don't think I be like you have a wonderful husband like no one would say that it'd be concerned for me and so I was left with one thing and it was just like kids are good inside and there is a

difference between good inside identity and bad behavior and I've always been very attracted to gaps that don't make sense because it's where you can like think and wonder and I just start asking questions why would good kids do bad

things why would good people why do good people do bad things and then I came up with this phrase like well what would be my most generous interpretation and to me this is like a massive skill and adult hood too like what is my most

generous interpretation of why my employee is coming in late what is my most generous interpretation of why my kid is jumping on the couch even though I looked at them and I said please stop jumping on the couch and they looked at

me and they smiled and then they on the couch like I know my least generous interpretation because we come up with that fast because we're like well my kid's a sociopath and we we it's like so fast and every parent's like I think

that all the time because we go there and then we of course interact with our kid based on that interpretation which of course you then send your kid to their room so what is my most generous interpretation everyone came back to the

same thing I have a good kid who doesn't have the skills they don't have the skills they're struggling I have a kid who's having a hard time not giving me a hard time and the pathway you take from

having a hard time versus giving me a hard time could not be more different and you ask different questions so when parents say to me what's the punishment it's like to me a question is

like a road you're asking someone to walk down with you in life that that's how I think about questions and like for me when parent asked me that question I'm like I just that's not a road I'm going to walk down it's not going to lead us to a productive place right like

there's a different Road I can walk down with you whether it's like I wonder why we think punishment you know is the right thing but even more practically let's say it's the jumping on the couch like well what's the most generous

interpretation here and I'm not a softy again I'm very practical I want change for kids Behavior like I've like very like I have like a little window that I can be tolerated I get it like and I'm

all for these winds that last but then I would just ask a different question not what punishment but what skill literally would my kid need so that the next time

this happens they actually have a new skill to use as opposed to being punished for not having had that skill same thing with a football player like

your quarterback is like I don't know constantly throwing interceptions like I guess you could punish the quarterback or teach him new skills I but like why then would the quarterback do anything differently the next time they were

under that condition like why it doesn't even make that's where the logic breaks down or I can in practice be like every time I don't know whatever it is this happens that we've noticed your pattern

and so actually in practice we're going to practice that we're going to pause you and we're going to have you notice what you're about to do and I'm going to teach you something else you just triggered something in me it's like when I would get screamed at by the coaches

that I felt like were less effective um when I would drop the ball if they were like why did you do that catch the ball it's like you think I'm trying to drop the I'm not trying to drop the ball but

now I'm going to go out there the next time and don't drop the ball this time it's like now I'm anxious now I'm nervous now everyone's watching now there's higher Stace there's pressure and I'm going to try to do my best and

if I drop it again it's just like now I'm a failure it's not empowering me to be better it's not teaching me a skill it's not saying okay the goal is for you to catch the

ball let's talk about what might have happened for you what were you thinking what were you feeling do you need more whatever skills you need so I like this approach to right addressing the skill

or the lesson or something to be taught as opposed to blaming shaming or punishing yeah and again like to me like it's just 0% soft it's just like how people change like and to me the phrase

same team it's also called leadership it's leadership and I think same team is a helpful phrase to get in that mindset like like I feel like if a coach said to you like Louis we're on the same team and Lou like uhuh I know you know you're

supposed to catch the wall you do not need me to tell you that like we don't say like our kids know that they shouldn't be hitting like they know so but if you think about that that can anger parents they know better and

frankly I know better than to scroll on my phone before bed sure sure still do it right so if you approach someone like Hey leou we're on the same team and I know you know this and I mean this is like a helpful phrase even to think there's something that's getting in your

way this game I don't really know what it is but I do know we're going to break it down together and figure it out how are you going to feel like feel a lot better oh he's on my side or she's on my side they see what I'm up to you know

they're with me in the pain whatever might be that's right and I don't think you think I think my coach thinks it's fine if I drop the next ball like and no one thinks that you're just like now you have an opportunity to change so if we get this jumping on the couch example

because I think it's like a yeah it's a good one it's a good one and it actually brings us to boundaries which is like one of my favorite life topics okay because as much as I like feelings I like boundaries because this is where

we've gone a little too far some people people are like okay I'm not punishing my kid their feelings matter but then it's like kids feelings like Drive decision making that is D decisions for

parents and the whole family right equally as bad for kids as sending them to their room so validating feelings is an incomplete parenting strategy I will go on the record and say that say it again validating feelings is an

incomplete parenting strategy it's part of the strategy yes but it cannot be the whole thing and also to to pause there because I want to hear the final there

but when parents allow the children to dictate how the family is run what happens then terrifying for kids so um like to me this is how I describe

it okay so imagine you're on a plane and you're a passenger okay are you actually a pilot are you to be surpris me what else then I'm like I'm have to pick a different metaphor okay so you're a passenger and I'm the pilot and it's

very turbulent and you're looking around like all the passengers are like freaking out right so pilot one would be like classic punishment parent and they'd get on it's not called a

loudspeaker interc the intercom thank you and they'd say like everyone back there stop you're you're so dramatic you're making a big deal of nothing and you're ruining my flight something like

that right this is what we say to our kids like you're ruining my dinner out whatever we say meanwhile if I'm thinking about you a passenger you're like first of all like does this person know it's pretty turbulent like they didn't even mention that cuz it is

second like all it takes is passengers being upset to kind of make my pilot like go off the deep end like that's scary you're more scared okay but pilot

2 is the opposite extreme everyone back there is scared and and you know what it is scary and I'm just going to open the cockpit door if anyone

wants to come in here and take over be my guest terrifying terrifying we're like your feelings were just contagious and that's what happens right where

someone's like I don't want I don't want to I I don't I want to watch one more show I want to watch one more show now if as a parent you think you know what I don't care about having them watch

another show yeah I thought about it I am changing my decision because I made that shift kids can smell and they know whether it's that or a sudden they're

like H okay I guess I guess you can't go to bed late because tomorrow we'll go oh okay fine and a kid feels like you open the cockpit door you influen yeah yeah

and now they can make big decisions that is actually terrifying for a kid because they feel like they don't have a leader they don't have a pilot kids love boundaries don't they they love boundaries it would be like if your pilot was like we have to make an

emergency landing and everyone's like no I don't want to land in Denver and the P's like okay forget it I we'll just crash exactly you're like just right so the third pilot to me is the essence of

sturdy leadership which to me are those pillars validating other people's feelings and staying connected to your own role through your boundaries and to me the pilot you want to hear there is I hear that everyone's freaking out you're

right I hear you it's very turbulent stay calm and even if it's a pilot you don't think it's that turbulent ulent you can still say I recognize it's turbulent everyone's upset you know you

guys do your thing if you need to scream it's fine I'm about to get off and go do my job I've done this a million times and I'm going to land Us in Los Angeles I'll see you on the ground let's go

let's freaking go right and you're like why am I calm nothing around me changed right but I am calm and to me like you want a leader who sees that your

feelings are real and is not infected by them and the only thing that stops that infection or

contagion is a boundary wow and the ability to know I am not my kid those are their

feelings and empathy for feelings requires boundaries because if you're not having up a boundary you're not empathizing with your kid you're actually kind of what we were talking about you're kind of responding to the

way that feeling came into your body that's not empathy uhhuh right boundaries are actually what allow you to say to a kid who's upset about the cuck grilled cheese even though by the way you're not making a new one or say

to the kid when the TV time is over I know you really wish you could watch another show it's so hard to stop and when they say so I can you say oh sweetie no no no no my number one job is

to keep you safe part of keeping you safe is making key decisions like bedtime bedtime is absolutely now you can tell me the show you want to watch tomorrow I'll write it down I get it this isn't what you wanted do you see

there's like this boun I'm validating but like I always say my kids feelings don't dictate my boundaries and my boundaries don't dictate my kids' feelings they just kind of they coexist

wow why is it so hard for parents to create boundaries with their kids so first of all we don't Define what boundaries are and we get it wrong so boundaries are what we tell someone we

will do and they require the other person to do nothing this is true in adulthood too all the time so like with my kid in the couch this is a good example and I have a kid like this cuz

my three kids are totally different and one of them is 0% people pleasing and he's just like he's I I Delight in him because he's my third he's like he he likes to test things out he's going to

be a leader one day I get it you know but I would look at him I'd be like hey stop jump let's say it it stopped on my house people jump on the couch I don't really care but let's say it was that it was dangerous there was a glass table

sweetie I need you to jump stop jumping on the couch you can jump on the floor and then he looks at me and he starts jumping and I say he violated my boundaries he doesn't he doesn't respect

my B he doesn't respect me we always like Center ourselves right now if I have a kid who I know is kind of like a pushing the limit kid not because they're bad because that's how they're learning about their

world their temp temperament yeah their personality this is not a boundary it's not a boundary that's a request because the success of what I said is dependent on someone else when we make a request

of someone which we have to do we can't always set a boundary right we have to be in a relation reltionship with them we have to understand they have the right coping abilities we have to like know that they mightet reest they might

decline they might decline probably not because they don't respect me you know like it's just for other reasons this is a boundary and again this is where good inside is anything but soft after he doesn't listen hey sweetie it looks like

you're having a hard time getting down off the couch I'm going to walk over to you and if by the time I get there you're not off I'm going to put my hands around you I'm going to pick you up and I put you on the floor and you can you

can jump over there that is a boundary because and I can't even test it did I tell my kid what I will do I did does it require my kid to do nothing it does and just to get real like when I do that

with my son he does not say to me like thank you for your sturdy leadership like he does not you get no praise no zero I get a tantrum and on some level I think again we wish as parents that when

we like have these amazing interventions our kids are going to like clap it up I love you Mommy thank you so much right they're not we have to validate ourselves hard for people definitely hard for for women I know I'm doing my

role why is it hard for women to validate themselves and not one validation from their children well we do want validation why is it hard why is it hard for them to to I mean validate themselves when they don't ever get

validation from their kids that's right so I think women and many people so it's not just women but let's just say especially little girls we are taught in

families we TP by Society to gaze out before we gaze in to me the essence of confidence is like your ability to gaze in before you gaze out like what is going on for me at least what do I need right but we are taught to gaze out and

we are Tau validation for the outside to say like I can fill myself up outside in who am I how do you look at me are you happy with me are you telling me I'm

doing a good job am I making you happy even just like classic and like I always think about people I used I used to see teens in my practice and be like does he like me I want him to like me I hope he

likes me and was like what do you like about this d by sounds like a douchebag like what and they were like what and literally I remember one being like what

do I like it was they didn't know foreign question wow especially now I'm brought up like what do I like I mean I guess I like the things on Instagram that got the most likes because they

told me those were that that's not what you like that's not what you liked about the picture the gazing out culture is just massive now but especially women and we don't realize that by the have become

parents no one says I need my kids approval everyone's like of course I don't but we get sucked back into the same circuits so when we set a boundary in our kid protests unconsciously what

happens in our body is see I've done it wrong and then we look I get the result we look for our kids approval we look for our right and we say things like this don't you think

it's time to go to bed come on you've been up so late it's like asking for uh you know permission or approval from the pil saying like don't you think we

should make an emergency landing like right and you're like oh my God right that's and then that's of course it actually leads to kind of quote worse behavior in kids not because kids are

trying to manipulate us at all imagine being on the plane and hearing that from your pilot there' be worse behavior from pastors because they feel so much more unsafe they feel out of control they

want to try to control some situation yes wow I'm like I have so many extra questions I want to ask you but I'm we didn't even get to number three okay let's get the three let's get the three

because we don't have to ever get there so we should so we shouldn't we shouldn't punish so yes to me and is there ever a time to punish I mean I I really am not so rigid I try not to be

so rigid so is there but to me it's like the question of should we punish to me brings you back for another key framework the same team framework and to me again same thing at work same thing in romantic relationships when you're

mad at someone or when you're in a conflict or when you feel like someone did something to you assuming it's a a person that you want to be in a relationship with if it's not this doesn't apply if they're toxic but if it's someone you're like in general we

have a good relationship there's two ways approaching it one is and it's kind of like how we're sitting it's me against you and Lewis is the problem so let's say like I arrived to your podcast

studio and you were like 30 minutes late I'm like so pissed and I want to tell you like how could you be late I flew in for this podcast by the way I didn't happen for I one okay but let's say it did you did fly in but you didn't I'm

not I'm simulating the same thing like so I could either talk to you like I'm looking at you like you are the problem and you know what that would sound like that was so rude you know and it can't

happen again or we can talk to someone like me and that person are sitting on the same side of the table and together we are looking at a problem and then

we'd say hey what what went on there and by the way I know I'm coming back next week and I just I'm sure together like neither of us want this to happen did I not understand the time let's just figure this out so when you say when I

hear parents say when is time to punish to me punishment is a me against you framework I never want to punish someone I like I just don't like them in that moment like I've never had the thought I never want to quote give someone a

consequence now that doesn't mean there aren't boundaries I'm going to set but when I hear that question it makes me think about the mindset they're in and so to me the answer is that mindset isn't going to be effective for the goal

I think you're trying to achieve which is change so we we only pull interventions from the mindset bucket we're in and so when I notice parents speaking in a way that I really feel

like is in an unhelpful ineffective mindset bucket I don't think what can we do in that bucket I think we're in we're in the wrong bucket let's get you do a different one right right I'm happy to

walk through what we do instead because it's not just like Kumbaya so let's say it's like my kid jumping on the couch or let's say something more egregious like let's say they punched someone or they they bullied someone or they whatever something of the let's say they bullied

someone and I was like I really had evidence that my kid was like going up to this kid and they're like you're a loser and nobody likes you I something like that someone filmed it who knows yeah exactly sure like I guess this

happened okay first I have to be like how could this even be me and my kid against a problem and some I think the best way I do that if I'm realistic with myself is just like we're all capable of all the things and I'll be like what

would make me say something so mean to someone not say what and I might be like well maybe I felt really insecure maybe I felt slighted by them maybe I've developed this role in a group where I feel like I have to be this like tough I

don't know but like I guess that could happen yeah then if I punish my kid and I'm like I can't believe you that it's not within the values of our family and like here's your punishment first of all our kids respond to the version of

themselves we reflect back so I'm mirroring back to my kid like you're a bad kid wow and then I'm asking them to have behavior that would come from feeling like a good kid like you have to feel good inside before you act good on

the outside come on come on come on now right you do so again just counterproductive you have to feel good inside before you can act good on the outside I know act good isn't like good English but it just like no it is sounds

that's great um so if we feel bad inside it's really hard to act good on the outside that's right like they about your boss always being like you're late and you're the worst and you don't do good presentations you come to work the next being like I'm going to crush it

like you're you're Paralyzed by Because by the way they're reflecting back who you are if they're an important person in your life right so what would I say to my kid let me just be clear I'm not saying I would never say oh that

probably was a hard day and there were reasons why you did that yeah you wouldn't validate the behavior I I I I wouldn't end there and say now let's go out to dinner okay I wouldn't like I

wouldn't be like you know cool here's what I probably say I heard about what happened at school let me just start there something happened at school today never ask a question to any human being

that you know the answer to because they know it's not a question it's a criticism veiled with a question mark and that is infuriating so a question is only a question when you don't know the answer so I would never start that I

mean I would try not to I'd say I heard what happened in school and I heard this thing I saw this video and like look before you go further and I would say this you might push back you're a good

kid I like if I can't hold that I have a good kid who did a bad thing why in heck would my kid be able to do that W because in order to reflect about bad

behavior and understand it and change you have to hold on to good identity if those two things are collapsed there's no good centered self to do the

reflecting about the behavior the bad behavior became of a bad person you literally can't learn if someone doesn't believe they're a good person how do you build a good identity well I think you have to

start by noticing all the ways you use your behavior to Define who you are it's what you did and it's very important data to be like what's going on for me

what am I seeking what am I missing but if you can't separate good identity which does not justify bad behavior it just creates a framework to understand

and change bad behavior you can't change so I would I know you're a good kid and like I know like that's not at least in theory the way you want to talk to other kids like I know that which lets me know

also like there's a whole situation going on I don't know it's say about that kid I don't know if you've had a bad week I don't know if I'm just making this up I don't know if you've noticed um I've been saying some nasty words to

your dads in our arguments and you've maybe you know been kind of stressed about that and picked up on that right like let's as they pick up on everything or you know I don't know but I know there's a reason and let me be

clear that doesn't mean it's okay and I don't even think I've de say to because I know you know it's not okay but we're going to work together to actually figure this out because I know you're

capable of being in a tricky situation with a kid and acting in a way you're proud of wow yeah that's what I would say and then I would actually do it and then I would what we miss out is I would simulate it why would a kid say that

maybe this kid is a new kid let's say my son was always best kid in basketball and kind of head of the group and all of a sudden this kid came in and he's a star there were reasons why we do the things we do it doesn't make them okay

but there are reasons so I might say look we're going to do something and then I would get a little like not harsh but firm and if my son's like I don't know can I just play fortnite I want to do this i' right I'd be like I'm just

going to say this one time you literally have to do through this with me before you play fortnite like that's not a threat my most important job is helping in life and I know this is going to help

and so even if youly rise we will do this that's your decision it's firm but it's not mean it's place of help and then I'd say we're going to do something this is going to sound really weird sweetie um we're going to go to the

basketball court and I'm going to Heckle you I'm going to say something me wow put them through the experience sure isn't that what we do yeah you need to sports like

and so prepare for these challenges that's right and what i' say to him is I don't expect you in that situation to go like this we get these most unrealistic I'm happy yeah exactly like and I want

you to say to this no but we might I would prompt him and and what I want you to do and I would get up is instead of moving toward me when I say that you're

going to turn your body and you're going to walk away because if you teach kids when they're mad to give space they're going to make they're going to literally have more time to make better decisions yes okay they're not going to react as quickly and then if we want to get to

the heart of white kids say mean things to bullies or something they're having a hard time regulating something themselves so I might give my kid a mantra too when they're walking away maybe and I always give Manas that stay

calm or yeah I got this or whatever maybe even like write that or I'm valuable even when I'm not the best basketall player wow yeah just like that's good get to the core and we're going to practice that I'm make him

practice it with me I'm I'm so glad you're saying this Dr Becky because I truly believe life is beautiful and wonderful and there's so much magic and

awe and so much to be grateful for there's so much Beauty in the world and I think life is an incredible gift but I also know life is so tough and there's a

lot of tough moments tough situations tough Seasons that we all go through from childhood adolescence to adulthood

and it can feel daunting it can feel so heavy so so much pressure so much so much confusion at times that I truly

believe what you just said is the key to living a beautiful life is putting ourselves in the most uncomfortable challenging scenarios and situations and

preparing for tough moments so that when tough moments come they're not so tough I truly believe that and I think a lot of people if parents heard what you just

said right now and actually did that it they would raise incredible human beings who are prepared for the sadness and the

suffering that happens in the world frequently so that they could see things as a gift and beautiful and not suffer

in the sadness and I think Sports gave me that opportunity that gift you know you hear about Navy Seals like they they have a game plan but they prepare for all the worst scenarios they don't just

say we're going to prepare for the best that the the best outcome is going to happen this is exactly what we're going to plan for it's going to happen they got a plan for it what if I lose my weapon what if I'm trapped what if this

what if I'm upside down hanging and I can't I'm unconscious how do I get out of a situation calmly yeah or with enough where I cannot freak out but I

can make a decision and act and I think we've lost the ability most people have lost the ability on how to handle challenging situations and play more of a victim

unfortunately than a Victor in their own life and the way you just said right there I hope parents listen to that and try it with their kid it's probably the worst thing to hear like I'm going to take you to the basketball court and

Heckle you but coaches would create scenarios where they would put loudspeakers on the fields and be like we're going to go into a tough uh Road game and these fans are not going to be

cheering you on they're going to be screaming at you booing at you throwing stuff on the field calling you names trying to get under your skin they're going to punch you in bad play say

they're going to do bad things to you and you can play victim and say ref and all these people why are they doing this to me or you can rise above it and be prepared for it and it's doing it in the

loving context I think is what we need to do not like just putting them down and diminishing kids but like saying this is what we're going to create I love you but I want to create this scenario for you yeah and I wouldn't like to me the heckling like it's going

to be humorous cuz my be like my mom's like saying random stuff she doesn't even know how to you know but you know someone and someone said this to me it's not you know and I think it's so powerful when I talk about a lot of pilot metaphors and you're talking about

the Navy Seals that in moments of challenge we don't rise to the occasion we fall to the level of our training yes and this

goes back to parents needing resources so that in those moments of challenge their level of training has you know risen man I'm so excited about this you know one of the reasons why I wanted to

have you on is because I want to be a parent one day right I want to have kids to be a parent I actually feel like I'm at a season of life where I feel like I've done enough healing work

for myself where I don't think I will repeat certain patterns that my parents unconsciously did right and my parents did a lot of good but there's also things that I'm like H

I don't know if that was the right way to build identity in myself and my siblings right they built great identity in other ways but in other ways maybe it was more challenging and I had to learn

how to unwind some of those things integrate and heal maybe that inner child that was still sad suffering or insecure and so I'm trying to have as

many conversations to prepare myself not to be the perfect parent because I don't think there is a perfect parent but to be the best potential parent that I can be knowing I'm going to be flawed

knowing I'm going to make mistakes and knowing I'm going to do something probably that is going to hurt my child at some point mhm but I think what you talked about in the beginning having the

resources and the tools is the first step for parents developing certain skills and that might mean you have to you know get your book and read it 10 times until you start to pick up one or

two skills that you've never learned before so I'm just really grateful that you're here and I'm grateful that four years ago you decided to put your content online and bring this message to

the masses because I think parents I'm not a parent but I think parents are scared to raise bad kids and I think parents feel insecure they don't feel

well equipped especially with social media and you know drugs in schools and shootings in schools and just insecurity all the different stuff that's happening in schools that we don't have time to

get into today but I want people to get your book good inside a Guide to Becoming the parent you want to be and I think a lot of people in general never

felt like they're a good person growing up I speak for myself but I feel like there's so many people that are craving to feel good and so again I know that you're a teacher for parents to help

their kids but really you're a teacher for humans to heal and become better leaders in their life so I want to acknowledge you for the gift you bring the consistency you bring to add value

to people with your content with your book I know you have an app that also helps parents learn these skills and tools with a lot of different Ai and all these different things you guys are

bringing into it so I want people to follow you on social media your Instagram is amazing I love it again I'm not a parent but I love watching your content because I feel like it's relevant for becoming a better human

being and a better leader in your life want people to get your book good inside I think it's required reading for every parents or want to be parents so get good inside and um how else can we be of

support to you besides going to good inside.com getting a book and uh checking out your app I I mean to me conversations like this are just fantastic I appre I appreciate this

thank you for helping you know ideas get spread because other people also help spread them so I love like the excitement you bring to these ideas and this has been amazing so I have no I have no asks I appreciate it I feel like

we we're gonna have to have you back on at some point because I have so many other questions I wanted to ask you um but this has been really powerful even just those three things you talked about I'm so glad we're talking about this I

believe you tell me more it's really powerful and that's also something you could do in an intimate relationship you know when you don't want to have challenging conversations if you actually did that with your partner man

you're going to feel a sense of peace and relief on the other side because you went through the challenging conversation together as opposed to avoiding it or being distracted or whatever it might be uh and that's hard

when your attachment style is insecure or avoidant so you've got to learn to heal so you can have a more secure attachment style in all your relationships with intimacy and with your

kids um so much to always learn um but again we'll have to have you back on and talk about more couple final questions for you to finish the uh conversation this is our rapid fire no I'm just

kidding just kidding should I do push-ups get ready there's a question I ask everyone at the end um it's called the three truths so imagine you get to live as long as you want to live Dr

Becky but it's your last day on Earth many years away and for whatever reason in this hypothetical scenario you have to take all of your content with you all of your Instagram content whatever content you

create in the future your books this interview is gone so no one has access to anything you've ever put out in the world but on the last day you get to leave three things behind three things

you know to be true that you would leave behind for us to have access to what would be those three truths or three lessons that you would share okay um I have two so let's see how I get to the

third one is that we are good inside and our good

identity is separate from any bad behavior number two is it is never too

late and the single most important relationship strategy in the world is repair and three is that the only real strategy you have with your kid is

connection well yeah we didn't even get into how to repair which you talk about in your book so that's another reason for people to get your book kind to have you back on to really dive into CL my tent talk that's what it's about exactly

it's about really how to repair yes uh when there's a breakdown or when there's a an upset when there's when you scream at your kid when you yell at them final question what's your definition of

greatness I I think it's a combination of internal um accomplishment and external impact so if I think about greatness I

think a lot about this concept or feeling of being lit up inside um it's how I feel talking to you and talking about these ideas putting them out there but I think greatness is when

you feel so Lit Up Inside by something that it drives you and so much that you can't contain it and so it kind of explodes out of you with joy and

authenticity and belief so much that it ends up igniting something that is in someone else and lights them up and it has this kind of generative

movement that's beautiful Dr thanks so much appreciate youing much it's important that we go back to the body that's why when we do these talk

therapies they can be good for an extent uh of the work that needs to be done right but not necessarily for when we're talking about Mayer trauma we're talking

about these traumas that have been there for generations and that have these imprint