Sense of Self-Value ft. xQc | Dr. K Interviews

like not like any chat open and just kind of like go through that go sometimes you know I don't want to get like affected by what people think or say or sometimes like I feel like when

I'm shooting I get this like a loop or like you zone right gotta get into this flow of things yeah I don't like not

have that right now no sense just so I you you want to be in a flow no I don't

like no I mean like um okay so I don't be like um affected by like the mood or like oh um what's chat saying it's like

I mean is that made me like act different like you know just chill it was chat bro I never looked exactly exactly exactly so as I was saying that usually when I'm talking to someone I

mean they require a hundred percent of my attention or I try to give them a hundred percent of my attention and and yeah I mean I couldn't do what I do if I

was having a conversation with like ten thousand people I'm having conversation with one person there just happen to be like 10,000 people watching or more it's

good in your case so yeah I mean yeah I get it yeah so tell me what what what do you want to talk about today so you have chat clothes or chat is open on those go

okay so we just a noun you should we turn off the stream and troll them and talk for an hour in private remind you like it I'm so glad we did this

good got then yeah um can't control us but we control them too yeah yeah yeah

we did way harder to like I remember soda one time however he just turned a stream on it and it was like the opening screen like this starting soon screening and he just never went on that it was

there for like I don't know like a couple hours and it just turned it off yeah so what do you want I think that sounds great by the way and what am i

calling you bro Felix okay Felix Felix um wait what does feel is that a name oh no I thought you said

feel I've misheard you on the off Felix or ecstasy either okay there's good Felix okay yeah so Felix what what do you want I'm completely in favor of what you said earlier about

just like having a conversation between two people oh yeah exactly um well I want to have like it's an approach with it would topics more like uh you know she's like

open or just like a like talk if you like safe like some hoop leaves it somewheres go through it you know absolutely man it's awesome I mean

there's like a couple things that that I have that I had it that I like I've seen on the show some but I don't want like to redo things that you already like

talked about too much you know make it like I don't know the intent yeah you mean you don't want to talk about something that someone else has talked

about um not not like directly like that just like I've listened some of the advice throughout that topic is that make sense sure but so I I don't think

we can redo anything by the way cuz you're a different person okay right so true so I think that if I've learned one thing like so you know let's say I work with a hundred people

with depression it's not a script right each person's unique each person's challenge even though there's something that we share there's like something that's unique and different about who we

are as people and that's why like you can't watch a conversation with another human being and then that doesn't apply a hundred percent to you so I get what you're saying but I would also say like

don't how can i I almost get a sense of service in the way that you're talking right now it's almost like saying like we shouldn't like cuz you've already

talked about this before so like we we don't need to talk about it with me but I'm saying okay if that's important to you we should absolutely talk about it and who they all cares about what we've said in the past with other people

mmm-hmm so what you want to talk about Felix um well I had thinking knows like over the possible months or whatever like stuff like um just like generic like issues

that I think most simmers like have not like issues but you know like a mental religious yeah you know stuff like

impostor syndrome stuff like self-sabotage or whatever okay which is I I think sometimes like we'll probably

one of my um not favorite but like what's something that I nice see more often than myself so right tell me in

what ways do you sabotage yourself you know the the analogy always give is kind of like when you play a game and you get a certain rank right that's like really

good and you're really proud of yourself huh a lot of times even if I have it I'm happy with it I'll feel like if I play a

game or two and I'm not good and I'm doing good I'll feel like I want to lose that rank right just so I could get it back just

like you feel like I deserve it does it make sense yeah I go ahead no go ahead I feel like I do that a lot of things almost everything I did

that that exact same thing or I'll purposely like destroy a part of something just like it again it so I could feel like I deserve it

yeah I think that makes a lot of sense so it's almost as if you it's almost as

if you need to gain that rank to show yourself that you deserve to be there yeah and and getting there once isn't

enough that's never enough so let's think about that why do you think that is

sounds tiring by the way to constantly need to prove your worth um yeah it's

super tiny yeah I setup where you get two different internets right and you get it installed to where like they're both going in and if one fails the other

one kicks in Oh interesting I've never I've never heard of that yeah see if I could there we go all right sorry about that so yeah actually you know what in terms of in

terms of mindset with you I think shimmers I've talked to like crows most rumors about this and I have not found

one person who disagrees that dropped frames lag server problems internet problems loss trimmings one the most

discouraging thing ever I don't think anything comes close to that yeah so it was interesting you know as the internet went on again because this happened on

Friday when we were talking to polka main and and like it was so interesting to feel my reactions cuz at first I was like super super angry because that's

like what what the fudge yeah you know cuz I so after Friday I like made sure everything is okay like tested our router like everything's fine we called our ISP and they were actually doing

maintenance in the middle of the afternoon on Friday which is why everyone out and so then I was like okay fine so it looks like we're done like no more maintenance then sure enough and I can you know I can play

games for like eight hours and our internet doesn't go out at all it's like yeah exactly and and no problem if I'm just hanging out with my friends but when you're you know streaming with one of the biggest people on Twitch then

suddenly your internet is like get [ __ ] kid yeah that's so annoying about it and so I was thinking a little bit about okay I can't really do a whole lot

about it so let's just I decided to get myself some water and and yeah you had my kid egg okay and you have a kid or like a

lot of them I have something between a and a lot I've got two oh yes I've like think

about this I don't know why but yeah okay but I can I see your um your face yeah you can't see my face on discord no [ __ ] this is happening again okay hold

on come on we fixed this hold on hold on how do we do this oh yeah yeah hit hit hit the gridview oh wait yeah you're

right wait I can see your face okay okay not always my fault okay yeah do you

like to like see yourself while you're showing it because do I sort of person yeah do you have any way on your screen that you can see yourself while you're

streaming you I think your antenna I used to not have that now I do okay so no so now they changed my layout to where I can see my face on the screen

why do you do you like that what do you ask I don't like it I don't like it what do you tell if I get about it

it feels disingenuous to what I want to do why what to do I want to chill be

like more like organic stuff and I feel like sometimes see myself what kind of reminds me oh man this is like this is camera this is film this is whatever I feel like it's a it's a constant like it

bring back all the time kind of realism back like a like a fishing rod you know yeah so if I'm if I'm hearing you what I'd say is that what you're really going for is like immersion for almost like a

flow state where you're a hundred percent with what you're doing yeah and and when you see yourself on camera it's sort of like reminds you that Felix like

this is like we're streaming there are people watching there's all this other thing and then you're not you're not present at the task that you're doing

yeah okay that sounds that sounds bad I do a lot of small things in there and like my my I did my setup in my daily life I feel like to maintain that state

you know sometimes I like I try too hard to keep that state I still do it I don't know why but I still do it what when you

say that state you mean the flow state like the state of being present just like stuff with like the way I arrange my things or the way that I go that

going go on with my day like I have problems doing stuff before stream or doing stuff that no that was good doing

stuff before stream is really hard I like to like tunnel vision and then wake up and have one mindset one need one want and I just go into that and I just follow it along

does that make sense and whenever I do something before stream I feel like I'm I'm somewhere and then I go to what at what to what I want to do right and

there's a big like I'm just in an odd state and I can always it always happens you know yeah it's very

principled and I always get upset at that I think it's a bad effect when you say you get upset you get upset by not being as clear-headed as if you start

right away yeah I'm like I feel disconnected and that's not what I want to put out stuff what I want to be and I feel like uh I don't know it as you

don't feel like I'm you know worth my own stage or whatever does that make sense no like yes it's like yeah there are two things there okay so Felix you let me

know which one you want to talk about one is cognitively in neuro scientifically why it is easier to produce better work when you start first

thing after you wake up so this is a concept that's been understood by Yogi's in India for thousands of years and there's a Sun script phrase Brahma mirtha which sort of encapsulates the

idea of like starting your day off right we can talk about that the second thing and that's gonna be like a little bit more like teaching the second thing is

actually a little bit more subtle and I think maybe a little bit more personal and helpful which is somewhere along the way so you said I don't deserve my own stage right and and this kind of reminds

me of what you said earlier about like if you get to a certain rank and then you'd play one or two bad games you feel like you don't deserve that rank so you

want to get knocked down so you can reaffirm yourself that you deserve to be where you are and then you want to climb up again because when you climb up then like no you don't take anything for granted

right like you started at the bottom and then you climbed up so you're like okay yeah Felix deserves this because I just rose through the ranks yeah and then like coasting is is like well maybe I don't really deserve to be here but if

you just rise then you're like absolutely because if I didn't deserve to be here then I wouldn't have been able to climb if I really deserve to be one rank lower than I wouldn't have just won ten games in a row right yeah so the

subtle thing there yeah go ahead no you're good the subtle thing there that like really blows my mine felix is like where do you like so if we think about it your sense of

intrinsic value is not there you need to climb ranks to assure yourself that you deserve something so why on earth don't

you have an intrinsic sense of like what you deserve and I don't know that necessarily that you need to even answer that or that's the second topic right

like yeah because if we think about it you know if I move through the world and I walk down the street there's a sense of value that I have that comes from within and there's a sense of value that

comes from outside and what I'm noticing in you when you save phrases like imposter syndrome or or you you say things like I don't deserve the stage or you say things like self-sabotage that

in my mind tells me that your sense of value internally got like kind of tampered with at some point okay and we can try to figure out why because like

all those things are the same does that make sense yeah I think they interact with each other I feel like yeah so so and that just has to get come down to like why don't you think you have value

as a person like why don't you think you deserve what you have interesting you know where does that where does that come from because I I don't think people

are born that way I think people are born with generally a sense of entitlement right but they deserve what yeah and they're kids and they're kind of narcissistic and then somewhere along the ways things happen to us and then we

start to like lose value and who we are as people okay well I would guess that um that I mean it it has to be somewhere

cuz I feel I feel like that sense as like almost develops or something into something that is more than just like like simple like that like I said earlier it like almost like a

relationship what do that like Otto need it now almost like a almost like I

want it almost like I emulated sometimes it's almost like a something I'm familiar with yeah Gramps so I can't

tell you a story about a patient of mine sure so I had a patient who had been in in three abusive relationships in a row

yep and and what what she needed from her her current partner was just like and so the reason so she had had the three abusive relationships and then had

dated a couple of people and essentially kind of drove them away and the reason she kind of drove them away and so she blamed herself for this which is sort of fair is that like you know the

relationships weren't abusive and it was kind of confusing to her and so she kind of needed like constant reassurance that like they weren't gonna leave her and then like the more she needed reassurance like the more kind of clingy

she became and the more that her prospective boyfriends couldn't handle it and so they ended up like the relationship kind of fell apart and then what happened like it's kind of subtle right so like if I'm let's say that I

need reassurance from you and then I ask you for that reassurance and then you give it and the next day I ask and you give it and the next day that I ask and you give it and then eventually you kind

of get fed up and you leave what do you think happens to the next person I date how does that relationship look okay I

think I understand okay this is I was listening it I was paying too much attention to like the details or I I felt a big picture make sense yeah sure

there's a victory of the story and lost it because I understand the specifics yep I see that okay so if I have a relationship where I need a lot of

reassurance from someone oh can I Drive it uh-huh and then you stop getting it in the next one or whatever well no so it's not even that I stopped getting it what do you

think happens in the next one so like my need for your love once you leave me what happens to how much love I need um no idea actually tell me okay so so

what happened with her is that she kind of felt like so that person left right and so the second relationship it's even worse because now someone has abandoned

her again and so she needs more and more reassurance and then she drives the second person away and then two people leave and then she's like oh my god I need more and more reassurance

she loses value in herself with each relationship and she needs more and more validation from each person and it's a vicious cycle because she can never get

enough validation my sense does that make sense and so so but the reason that she can never get enough validation is because she doesn't feel good about herself she doesn't feel like she's

unlovable or she feels like she's on muffled she doesn't feel like she is lovable and therefore she needs more validation from alcohol and it's kind of like a vicious cycle because the more

validation she gets she doesn't develop confidence in herself okay so her like self reward isn't enough that she needs more from others that becomes unusable

like it became and give her it's that it's exactly so she becomes dependent on validation from other people to the point where that validation is almost

unattainable because it's too much from a normal relationship yep okay sound familiar yes how so yeah I stood I usually did it I used to do

this thing I play overwatch right and I would care lot about just the game and how what I would do

how loud perform right so I want you to can I just jump in and pause sorry if I'm derailing you but I don't love what you said I used to Carol I think that's gonna be

the answer so please continue okay I'll tell a lot about the actual gameplay and how good I was I would perform at any

given time and if I if I felt like I was playing like really bad and I was doing really bad and then I noticed I had a

lot of viewers it made me like upset maybe upset that people would tune in and watch such trash gameplay so I would

like shave off viewers on purpose like it happened very often what I do things to lose viewers so that I'd be like I lost something I need to get this back I'm gonna play well and then when they

cut one of the viewers come back or when it arises again I feel like I deserve it you know I deserve their their eyes and her presence does look good I worked there you know I didn't just so

you know so Felix why do you have to shave off viewers this is important why do you settle that's like this is real

sabotage why do you have to get rid of them um what how do you feel if they

stayed and you play like [ __ ] well I think I'm most the time yeah right how does that feel to you to waste

other people's time it feels really better and how does it feel when they leave um I think you'll feel good I'm gonna do it

it feels weird but somewhat good yep but I give me a bit any gives me a goal yeah so that's weird right look let's just

look at that for a second mm-hmm okay let's look at that okay so when you play bad and people stick around look why do

you think they stick around because you have to push them out the door right you have to actively try to get them to like leave why do they stick around I mean

the people that sit around I mean for for game play I would that would think that they would stay because of how good

they think I am or how better the thing

I can do no no no they stay because they they like you they value you okay okay

that's good but when I when I give up performance and gameplay that I don't like I understand you don't like that okay

right so you think your value is determined by your gameplay so yeah but well what I'm telling I mean they're got they have to be people I mean I don't

really know but there have to be people who are better at overwatch than you are right yeah yeah how do they watch you like this is the thing that you don't

get and it's so [ __ ] confusing to you that you have value outside of your performance because the other guys didn't scream fine whatever you can devalue yourself however but do you get

that like they're sticky because they like you okay and then and then what do you do like that feels weird like if I tell you if I tell you the things that

people like you because of you and not because you're playing perfect every match how does that make you feel must

feel a bit weird yeah what is that weird let's understand that don't think that I'm like interesting enough for that like a level of

attention or something yep right so so there's a disconnect between the way that you value yourself as a person and the way that twitch values you and this

is why twitch is beautiful because they care about you as a person and that's [ __ ] confusing to you and then what you do is you have to repeat this drama right or that's what you do is you push

them out the door so like let me just let me think about this I have to just write this out okay mmm-hmm I'm gonna need a minute okay

now that I can listen and and and and type this in time probably not but let me hear what you good no no go for it not no it was I was adding some precision please um now this

guy like develop into something different now that it's not exactly like that anymore because I'm not really like a competitor anymore so if I if I if I play like trash it's like whatever

I don't really hold my own game look they're like a high standard I only care when I care or I only care but the gameplay or my performance when I want

to care about it doesn't I sense okay if I'm gonna stay well I'd what I don't chaired that much if I played poorly oh I can laugh it off and chitchat whatever

but I'm gonna stay where I Duke about the gameplay and I want to show them that I'm good to myself and others and sure that that passion for getting

better if I don't do well then I then I get like that right okay so and I think you've learned two modes is what I'm here yeah yeah okay so we'll we'll dig

into that further that's very helpful thank you for sharing that okay okay so this is what I'm gonna say okay so I there's this idea of intrinsic

value which is value about like who you are and then there's extrinsic value there's like the value that the world

shows you okay and and so somewhere along the way you started like needing that at like you felt like you don't have intrinsic value like your sense of

like what you bring to the table is dependent on your performance so this is like like you know so I'm a doctor so it's kind of like a doctor saying you know whether I'm a good doctor or bad

doctor sort of depends on how many lives I save or don't save which makes sense right like if I'm I mean if you think about it like a good doctor is someone who saves a lot of lives but it's subtle

makes sense I'm not saying it's illogical at all yes and I think there's something weird that happens so when you play so when you rise and you have a certain level of value and then you play

poorly and twitch hat doesn't leave you something funny happens you feel uncomfortable yeah because they are not sending you signals that are consistent

with the way that you you see yourself you're like why are these why are these [ __ ] people watching this show they don't know they don't like this is shitty like I'm performing terribly and

then what you have to do is you have to create the reality that you feel which is that you have to since they're like so imagine you're on stage and there are a lot of people watching and you're bombing on stage right like you're doing

a terrible job but like no one's leaving the theater and then what happens is like put them yes put the big amount of it I just blow in the mic yep no and and

then you take like it you go backstage and you take a sack of like rotten fruit and then you start throwing at people yeah and then and then they start leaving and then you feel good about

yourself because at least then they are doing what they're supposed to do it's exactly they're supposed to leave because I'm shitty like why aren't they

leaving and then what you do then it's a system you understand right because then everyone has left and then there's one dude in the theatre and then you're like okay I can

I'm back and then Feliz arises from the atrás you pick up the microphone you start making jokes you start performing again and then people start coming back and you're like okay okay this is okay this is okay because then you know what

you're what you're offering them is good because they're coming in the door yeah right yeah it's so like let's just think

about that like what do you think about that man um I think it's a route to

failure but it's also a road success absolutely so success and failure is one thing okay we're not talking about success in failure

I mean we can but what I'm talking about is value I'm not talking about the external world what I'm saying the weird thing here is that when you're on stage

and you feel like you're bombing those people want to stay yeah what do you

think about that it it's it's almost discomforting it's it's odd it's very discomforting what is that discomfort

what are you feeling like I said I think I'm I'm telling them like I'm wasting their time I feel like I've gotta sign

for something and they're not getting it and you're sticking around to like the potential Idid love it it will happen yeah so sure I understand like because because once again if you think they're

sticking around for the potential it could happen but that's because you believe they're sticking around because of your performance right like it's like you think that your value is based on

your performance which makes a lot of sense because your life has been one where I imagine I mean I think you're pretty good at overwatch right yeah I'm somebody yeah so if you're really good

at overwatch then you've been taught that your success is correlated with your performance absolutely and but here's the thing right like so here's the funny thing about twitch is that there are a lot of

people here who are very very good and and also like but I don't think that that's that it's not just skill that makes you good I mean successful on

twitch right there's something there's something that streamers have which connect with like this is the really cool thing for as a psychiatrist I see this it's like really fascinating if there's something about you there's

something intrinsic about who you are that like resonates with people in your audience like they connect to you in some way and that's not just because you're good because they're all like what if you just think about it you know

there are lots of good overwatch players out there and maybe some of them scream maybe some of them don't but there are a lot of good people who stream but I think the crazy thing here is somewhere

along the way you lost like you can't fathom that someone would stay on the stage if you're playing back I mean someone would stay in the audience and say in their seats if you're playing bad

on stage and I think that if you want to stop self sabotaging like first of all like because that's what you're doing right when you when you start going and

you just you know you push them out and then the problem is that it reinforces even though it shouldn't because like it reinforces this idea that your value

comes from bringing people in the door but the real thing is if you really look at it scientifically clearly that's not where your value comes from because when you play bad people don't leave but

you're just ignoring that data point yeah because I feel like in that mystery moment like I care about being good I care about being a competitor I care about

outperforming I care about like rolling in my game like in that state of mind like I don't it seems kind of like an odd to say I don't care that much about about twitch I don't care that much

about about your numbers I care about being good yes so I think that makes perfect sense but then the question is there's a part of you so I think that's exactly what you should care about right

like you should care about going on stage and just giving the best of what you can get the problem is that clearly there is a part of your mind that cares about more than that okay because if

that's all you cared about like let's say you're on stage and you're juggling and you drop a ball or something right if all you care about is being better you're just gonna pick up the ball and keep juggling and whether people say or

people go you don't care because you're focused on the juggling in fact I think that there is something in you that isn't it can because but that's not what happens is you put it you shave off

yours so clearly there's a part of you that cares about something else there's a part of you that cares about being a good juggler and there's a part of you

that cares about being seen is a good juggler you don't want people to see your failure that's that's accurate

that's good that's true that that was a good mental development I didn't think about anything about the way I always see it like I said one sided thing yeah

right and that's not wrong because I think you're you're a smart guy Felix and you know that part of yourself but if we look at your behavior there's something else it's not that you're

wrong it's that it's incomplete and now we get to the idea of like when did you so now I want to thoughts questions can I keep going no that's all good

so so so let's think about this when did you start caring about because you're not a guy who usually cares about appearances right no really

so when can you remember a time where that changed when did you start caring like this could it could be like a small and insignificant thing like maybe you

were growing up or something like that

oh well say never appearances I don't I certainly I cared that much appearances

as in what because I was always like I don't know go ahead like was there a time that you remember kind of feeling but not necessarily

physical appearances but that like you kind of feel I mean this is such a generic question everyone's gonna have this but you know we're a time where you kind of felt like super ashamed of the way that you were perceived that you

felt like other people saw you as a failure mmm I look back at it I mean that's gonna be true of everyone my question is

does anything jump to your mind so let me put it this way so you know when when you're when you're playing poorly and people are sticking around and you feel

discomfort can you remember feeling that discomfort in other scenarios outside of streaming and gaming yeah there was this

where people should be leaving and they should be calling you a piece of [ __ ] but they didn't and I had this um had

this thing a long time ago where I had to I would I was good at doing trampoline right and the people at my

gym saw it and they wanted me to compete right mm-hmm because I could do tricks that other people couldn't so I started training and refining the moves whatever

and then I had to compete in like some some weird suit I didn't like any of it I didn't like it the weirdness of

competing I like more the organic action of it yeah so the present that I'm just doing the trick for the sake of doing the trick right not trying to win yeah

exactly yeah or make it perfect make it look perfect whatever like that that profession of the craft wasn't really oh now it's a like ninja

line unbelievable where my my dad won on like a date and I this competition or whatever and you were like oh you know

we're gonna go watch you I was like dude hell yeah man I'm gonna I'm gonna roll you know cuz I'm better than all these kids so I show up there and my moves are like way better

I'm objectively if I just do whatever I'm doing all the time my normal like routine I I witness and I show up and I

bombed super harder but first Rick lens I onto the side and then I jump sideways like Ivan fall and then the second attempt rolls around and it's even worse

right and it's like everybody didn't say just quiet right or like I stop with it's over or like when she thought it's over and it's just completely quiet anybody's

looking I'm like oh my god like I I can't believe and my dad's on a date right and I know he's out there and I'm like this is unbelievable and that was

like really really bad and I ended up quitting I'm done with competing like I'm just never gonna fit again yeah that was one of those moments

and what did your dad say um he always like pushing to compete and everything so a lot of times like you know in in in

other scenarios when I was young about more than I would compete you'd be like you know it's okay man good job good job but that was so embarrassing that it was kind of like it's a scam and like you

know there it is hold on a second so when you perform badly and he says good job that's people not leaving the

audience yeah great so when your dad would say good job I want you to think back and really remember how did you feel when he said good job after you

know you did a bad job that's very important for me what in what way when you [ __ ] up and your dad said good job

then he saw the value in me trying it matters that um you know I I fell once

and used to buy me and I'll have to fall again so sense like almost like failing

twice else so you felt very supported by him yeah by saying you did a good job

yeah did you feel ashamed um kinda like on the fence you got like a in the gray area where you like you failed once and you feel like if if you have feedback

that you failed them then you failed twice right so being like in on edge about like how much of a failure this is

and then singing like support you and they go good job can I make sure okay you know it's not it's not that bad yeah so I'm actually so that's interesting

that wasn't the answer I was expecting from that story but well let's let me just think for okay so the interesting thing is that so it sounds like he was supportive but it also

sounds like it doubles the pressure on you yeah to win the second time yeah and the interesting thing is that in a weird

way that actually sounds like winning people back right so like let me just let me just give you man this is so hard to wrap my head around but I'm gonna try

to say it and it may not make sense so so I'm just trying to think about okay like when you it's like it's almost like your dad giving you feedback and then

you winning after that is like you getting your rank back after losing rank yeah does that make sense yeah or getting at least a part of it

that getting a part of it back right it's like it's not that fail like you have no problem dropping ranks what bothers you is like dropping a rank and

not getting it back yeah but also losing even more because of my projected rank in his mind or something yeah that's exactly what we need to talk about okay

right so where do you get the idea of like what his projected like I mean I hate to be so [ __ ] generic isn't it you know use the psychiatry term but

like it is your dad proud of you um yeah

maybe I don't know in what times though like when he what proud proud I can tell when he when he

when he's proud to be nice I can also tell right and I feel like like as you

kind of grow older I feel like yeah I don't know I know how to put this I feel

like when I was young I needed him more to be proud than today I thought now I feel like more more like places where I

get like validation or that more like why I get way did you do it can you tell me what I just need a second I'm sorry keep going

uh-oh I'm saying wrong or like uh something over I don't know no I think it's I think it's like exactly what we're looking for it's just it's taken

aback by your answer right because what I'm hearing from you is sometimes that's what I'm hearing but there's well yeah

there's a lot there because I mean you just said that you needed like the time that you needed him to be proud of you was when you were younger which is also

like that implies that he wasn't yeah that's a powerful statement to make and then the last thing is that like you

know generally speaking like as a parent you know I mean a complicated answer to the question is your dad proud of you is sort of like a no right so that means

that on some level like it's complicated in your mind it's still muddy it hasn't been resolved and it's certainly not a yes yeah and if we think a little bit about it I mean I think that that's like

that's what we have to look into I mean I feel like okay so let's just take a step back and let me walk you through my reasoning okay sure so we talked about imposter syndrome we talked about

self-sabotage we talked about not living up to expectations there's this idea that like you let people down and make their capacity to have intrinsic pride

and you is a person when they do that it confuses the [ __ ] out and then what you do is you create a situation where they're proud of you but

their pride in you makes sense because you are proud in yourself as well yeah the problem arises when you feel ashamed of yourself and they don't connect with

you there they're like not calling you a piece of [ __ ] when they should be calling you a piece of [ __ ] but instead what they do is they send you love and support and that's just really odd and confusing to you so then you change the

system up to where you feel comfortable with in it and the way that you feel comfortable is by winning again like what makes you uncomfortable is when people care about you and you're losing

so you just like you're like okay I'm gonna lose and then I'm gonna push them out the door and then I'm gonna win and then they've loved you all along the only difference is that like sometimes you love yourself and you create systems

where you can love yourself and then their love for you which is constant makes more [ __ ] sense does that make sense mm-hmm the next question becomes where the [ __ ] does this come from

like what like why is it so damn complicated right why can't you just be loved by twitch at like that's kind of

the end of it yeah and and one that it's so then like usually that's learned okay so it's not like you're busted in some way it's just like like we learned that

right and so then the issue is I mean then the issue is like you know who in your life taught you that you don't have intrinsic value because kids start out kind of like narcissistic and

egotistical and they think they're the wonderful most wonderful people in the world and then someone comes along and sort of tells them that you know your value too so like you were taught something which is that your value as a

human being depends on performance yeah yeah sure I was there on whatever set yeah so who taught you that my dad

taught me that okay okay right so there we go right so so I don't even that was too easy

hold on oh yeah I mean I can pinpoint it it's not like it's like a logical tell me tell me tell me about that just tell me about your dad you know teaching you that lesson I mean

that was you always want me to compete and I was looking better I was Lilly's a very competitive when I was young with my with my brother or like I kinda knew

that fire and he wanted me to compete in things that I didn't really care about but since you know when we were young like I don't really have like passions for like a crazy amount of things so if

you if you wants that oh maybe it's cool just do it right I did it it's not like he forced me to I mean if he did that it wouldn't be much of his defense for me

so let's let's think for a second if you didn't like it and he wanted you to compete why did you do it if he didn't force you Oh we'll take your animals

learn like like skiing I used to do like competitive skiing right and I didn't even like it that much III thought was gonna boring the way you

look like this and I thought was trash but he cared about a lot and all his friends like all had kids that that would that would compete and I just kind

of had to show up and I would roll them but I didn't really care about it why did you do it um because about that long meet you so

what were you looking for when you roll them what would your dad how would you look at you what would he say I mean he'd be super proud when I would win and I would I know I read a lot so to be

proud all the time right and how did that make you feel I'm gonna feel good like I'm when I on both ends

whatare to ends well when add at the computing so I get like the Val vision like oh you're ranked 1

or whatever and then did you care about that yeah of course ok even if I don't care about what it is

if I win it still matters ok sometimes even more than what the action is itself ok right sure but like if that doesn't mean nobody cares about like like Dora and

like the rank 1 speedrunner it's still still feels good sure I'm reg Warren okay and what was winning on the other side he said actually winning isn't I mean it and

then and then he he's proud of me then III since he he's like a like a competent mind sets like I know that he cares that I win so I win and for myself

and I went for him too that's gonna double win hmm both ends yeah so what I'm hearing didn't did your

dad how would he treat you if you lost um I guess it depends in what field but I guess he still he still feel pretty

good I suppose yeah I I I think I think you still gave me that validation even when I didn't do well and did you know he was do you think he was being genuine

at those times or you think he was disappointed in you I think so no I don't I don't I really feel like you feel disappointed in my competing he

did or did not did not I don't think he I don't think he ever felt like that and have that it's not even like that like it it just happened a lot like um like

competing like for myself but for him also like if there's a bunch of times I competed in like a skiing biking some

some other [ __ ] like like it would happen by commonly you know how old were you when you were competing and skiing

and biking I guess I'd be like 10 and then maybe like 13 12 and in that sounded like you didn't really like

those sports right no I didn't like him that much especially especially biking because my bike sucked it was just trash right ask vegans kids dad like like

multi-thousand dollar bikes or whatever and then that's like a long story but my chain like I could be close to winning and it might change elevate would would

fall off and had to physically get up and and put it back on both on both ends right and then go back again and I just felt cheated all the time when I lost I

got at the end and I lost like did I didn't have a chance he oh this this [ __ ] sucks like [ __ ] these guys you guys you guys are balls you're not even good at the sport man she might I can't give me a get a working by deal yeah

yeah and what happened at the end of the race what did your dad say crowd but I I would never like hold it against them like they don't have a good

but I couldn't airily I mean like that for me there was no other tool that I could have like that was my tool and it was trash you know just make it work right yeah but he was proud anyway like

you'd still I give me that that that validation of like and then he still it is it a pretty good like I'm like I'm glad you did it or something or

yeah champion is your dad proud of you odd I don't throw the ball on stream but yeah I don't think so yeah I don't think

so either so the notion is why why do you feel that way I think because he he has

things that he wants me to do well in and and those things I don't do well or never cared enough to do well and he is

sort of interested it doesn't shift just guys stayed there how does that make you feel it makes me see that values and vision elsewhere and find and build systems

where I get it there did you understand that before this conversation not really okay because that's absolutely the

answer very well said okay right so like the fuel for your system brilliant actually Felix could that's the point that I'm moving towards

but that only is true if your dad is not proud right and like that's where like it's a hard thing like how do you feel saying the words out loud that you're afraid that your dad may not be proud of

you because I'm not sorry that he's not proud of you for the record but like how does it feel to say that I feels kind of odd because I feel like um your parents

are kind of like a big part like you know you got this big puzzle whatever and you know it has like a thousand pieces or all the pieces that are like you're your parents are like that like huge ones in the middle that the ones that

you should care about the ones that are that matter the most step right yeah but like what makes you think you don't matter about but what will you care do you don't care about them or they don't

matter how are you getting that boy so I said that again so you just said those are the puzzle pieces that should matter the most yeah when you say should matter the most it implies that they don't matter the

most so why do you think that your parents don't matter well now they matter but now the since I've build

those systems they're their input and division is kind of irrelevant yes and absolutely not so you're you're a

hundred percent correct that you have created systems that will satisfy the hunger that your parents left you with

mm-hmm but the goal here at least in my mind is to like is to be free of those systems because those systems [ __ ]

torture you okay right so like there's a part there's a there's a there's a world I want you to imagine Felix where you play because you want to be the best not

because you need validation and I know you know but you play for the purpose of schooling those noobs but yeah that's enough but then what you have is this

whole other layer on it where like you need the validation like it's not about like cuz this goes back to like you know you there's a moment where you want to juggle just for the sake of juggling but you do care so my whole point is that if

you want to live the life that you really want to live which is to focus on juggling in schooling news for the sake of schooling news you've got to let go of caring about other people and I know

that you do that like 90% of the time and they're like 10 percent of the time this weird [ __ ] happens in your mind you're not even sure what's happening and you're looking for validation and then you use these phrases you know you're discouraged impostor

syndrome self-sabotage like that's not a life that you need to be living man it's not a life I want you to live I want you to all the life yeah go ahead okay I want that life to like whatever

you're gonna say like I would probably hundred say it would by omegan lessons cuz your logical and but at the same time sometimes I convinced myself of

like bad mental loops whatever and I'm like hey man this thing is maybe not like a like I had like a healthy mindset

but it just kind of works I'm just gonna destroying that some way if I lose that and it's trash been away so this is a

conch problem okay so like there's this idea that caring and I mean like I feel like I'm talking to Pokemon so like like if you watch the video from her she she

actually calls it a whip so she whips herself and she's a friend like to be the best and and she optimizes a lot of stuff in in her like she's always an optimizer and she always

strives to be the best and then she's also really confused cuz all you guys are confused and then like I work with a lot of executives and things like that all those guys are confused too how can you continue to perform if you abandon

your current system and the answer is you absolutely can it it's and and that becomes that that's a conversation about another Sun script concept called

Vairagya which means detachment and and we can kind of go down there but I want to kind of this thing with your dad if that's okay now go ahead so the short answer is that

you can be successful by not caring about other people or even success success comes from you picking up the balls that you're juggling and trying to

do better than you did the last time it has nothing to do with whether you think you're a good person has nothing to do whether other people think you're a good person and that is what success depends upon so you can abandon the rest of all of your

psychological [ __ ] in your systems and whatever and as long as every time you pick up a ball I mean every time you drop a ball you pick it up and you try to do better the next time you're gonna

be successful what do you think about that [ __ ] myself ins yeah so you don't need any of the rest of this crap that I know you're comforted in because those

are the systems that you've developed for yourself and so you've come to rely on those but you can let go of those and as long as like because at the end of the day you could care about what other

people think and not focus on becoming a better juggler and then like you've seen those streamers right the streamers that just care about what other people think and don't focus on it wouldn't in just

say build it a craft or whatever perfect their craft like yeah it's perfection of the craft that leads to success in life its devotion to the thing that you are

doing that leads to success not anything else anyway so we can talk about that later but kind of coming back to your your I mean I think we got a I mean I

think we got to figure out like you know what's the deal with your dad and pride like why don't you think your dad is proud of you and there are good reasons that you think that because he hasn't

conveyed that to you sufficiently I have some hypotheses but well I'm mmm glide and then because if I if he doesn't feel it and that I want him to convey if he doesn't feel like it if he doesn't feel

like he if he doesn't she's not proud of me about something I want to give me the design that they he is I feel like that's misleading yeah I completely agree but then the question is like why

isn't he practice [Music] ah I feel like he wants and wanted me to

perform and certain things that I didn't perform in like like schooling like some of the sport that he'd want me to do like when I quit skiing I'm just no

boarding and I stopped competing I mean I come in other ways like that's kinda like how he wanted me to have success even though I even even if I found

success in other ways it's still not in his like model without he shies it and I feel like not achieving that it's kind of like it doesn't make him very proud

okay things were like it yeah I like schooling you always want me to do well in school I can I can I could never care okay um yeah alright two questions so

the first thing that I want to toss out to use that I I think I wonder why he cares so much about you being successful is he's successful

prideful can you tell me about that um well you know like

I feel like I like a brother and yeah I I took mushroom for my dad and he did like my brother doesn't mean yeah like like an ego like a crazy over

competitive spirits like isn't there like that prideful right isn't like as like self-centered like I took like all

that from my dad how do you feel about that taking all those things from your dad good and bad these are like double-edged swords almost all of them it's right

answer these things [ __ ] you over but these things make you could sometimes also sometimes I'm okay with like the downsides these I also get the upside so

I am NOT I'm not that much allowed to be upset about it by the way where is your mom in AAPIs my mom's always there for

me in whatever I want but it's not as [Music] intense you tell me about your mom

well it's cool she's just not in tents and things if she wants me to do something she wants me to be good at something

um if I fail her if I do her good like any good or bad isn't intense hmm

and I was really raised with intensity so is your mom proud of you yeah so it's interesting right because like when I asked you is your mom proud you

can say yes and I know you've sort of said already that your dad is a you're concerned that he may not be proud cuz you didn't you didn't become the thing that he wanted you to be hmm right that's this we'll talk about that

in a second but I just I think it's interesting how how complex your answer is when it comes to your dad and how simple your answer is when it comes to your mom and and I wonder if there's a

parallel to be drawn between when you're playing when you're when you're playing poorly and people in the audience are sticking around and they're not leaving

if that's your mom yeah and then I mean but like I said it's it's I think for me I think I'm trying like this is kind of hard because it's very introspective

right yeah I try think of the root causes my thoughts is that like I said it's like I think it's really all about

the intensity it's like how how like May disappointed or mad emmaandemma devil get if I didn't perform in him well you want me to do well in and I'm happy he

was and how proud that he was when I would do well as with my mom even if she was really proud of me maybe the way she

expressed that what even though she was extremely excited wasn't as as deep or as intense but it's kind of hard to compete because my dad is extremely

intense so my mom was like above average in terms of intensity my dad was like way way way above average so she can compete so what I'm hearing actually is like I'm gonna toss something out called

contingent love so like it feels to me like your dad's love was like contingent like it depended on certain things

whereas your mom sounds like it wasn't quite as dependent like it so maybe another way to put it is that your dad's love was conditional and your mom's love

was unconditional okay that's a bit of a dark thought but yep it could make sense yeah yeah I mean what's dark about that

that's a strong word it's all yeah conditional that's a strong it's a strong word how did how does it make you feel to hear it pants and throw them in the under the

bus and hold them to such labels fare so let's talk about that for a second

mm-hmm so a lot of times I will use strong words to amplify what is low in

the person I'm talking to for the record I think it sounds like your parents are amazing and wonderful people and I think they've done it sounds like a good job raising you I'm not hearing any kind of abuse or any kind of [ __ ] like that I

think this is just how human beings work like so I think my parents were wonderful as well but I still had hang-ups so can I tell you a story no no

so when I was let me just think about where to start this story so when I was finishing up my my

training in in Boston I had done a really good job so I was like I distinguish myself in some ways and and was it a pretty competitive kind of institution where there are a lot of

bright people and so I had kind of distinguished myself and then I had a mentor who had been supporting me for like six years and started to become kind of paranoid that like I'd created

this thing and I was like afraid that he was gonna like take it over and I had some reason to believe that but like I kind of thought that this was something that [ __ ] I don't want to go into the

story more um would like a precision I kind of felt like I missed a part of the story sure you were doing well better than some of the bright people whatever

and then you and then what and then I got paranoid that one of my mentors was gonna take credit for my work oh so what I had done is I created a program so I'd created something called

a consult service where people with mental health problems could come and learn like meditation and use herbs and and other kinds of like Eastern stuff to help with their anxiety and their

depression and it was going very very well because a lot of people are interested in that and it works really well and I was afraid that one of my mentors would basically take over that program which I had essentially built

from the ground up and it was really weird because the guy had been nothing but supportive and so I was doing some kind of introspective work and actually learning a particular kind of therapy at

that time and as part of learning that therapy I had to do my own I would like was kind of playing the role of the patient so I was examining my own issues and so we came up with this issue for me

to work on and what I realized that is that like this fear that someone who has been nothing but supportive is gonna take away what I built actually comes

from my childhood and when I was 13 years old this is back before the internet was a thing or even younger there used to be these things called bulletin board systems BBS's and back

before there was a centralized internet what happened is you had a phone line and you would connect to one other computer through a phone line and so what I did is a mic

my computer was a server that I hosted games on and then like there would be all these kids at school who would dial into my computer and use my server to

take their turns in the game and then like 30 kids would play like this awesome game called barren realms elite which is still an awesome game so it's kind of like it's kind of like Clash of Kings and stuff now it's sort of like you take your turn every day you spend

resources you build armies you attack other people and it's like compare like you're like Travie I know whatever you know that was that no yes whatever that's so so but back then like so so

not so we had two phone lines at my home so I hosted the server and then what I would do is charge 10 bucks a week for people to get access to my server and it

became like a super popular thing and I was making like 300 bucks a week and like that was a lot of money back in like 1990 officer and and so you know I created this thing and then like the

funny thing is like my parents were I'm lucky I'm the son of two physicians so my parents like had a big house and like they basically bought me whatever I wanted I didn't need any money so I was like making money and I was making money but sake and making money and I didn't

have any way to spend it because like if I wanted something that would just get it for me or what I mean they would get it for me if my grades and stuff we're good and so like one day like like my

dad found this gigantic wad of cash and he was like what is this and and then I was like well I stole it and he was like

I'm ballin dude I was like no man I he's like you didn't steal it he's like what is this and he's like I told him I like I was like I started a business and I'm making a bunch of money

and so then what he did is he took the money away and he shut down the business and he said you've got to focus on your studies like he was actually like proud of me because he like knew that I was an entrepreneur and all that kind of crap

so he was like kind of proud but he also like shut it off right like he did what what I mean I think is reasonable for a parent to do which is to say like you should really be focusing on studying like you should do what I think you should do instead of doing what you

think you should do sound familiar with your dad by the way and I yep yeah and and then like I realized that in some ways like that left a psychological imprint my dad

was like a great person and he loved me a lot and he was a great guy but if you just listened to me talk about that story and how it affected me today that's where my paranoia was born that

someone who cares about me and it's a very specific pattern it's as someone who cares about me like is gonna take away what I've built okay right it doesn't make him a bad person it's just

like that's what happens because our psychology is imperfect and young minds are impressionable and like they don't understand the complexity of what our

parents send us yeah okay so we're good well III have some of that then tell me I think I can't think of something like

very much in the past much more something they kind of kind of recent in you know a time we're like I'm looking for that validation or I'm looking for

that effect and and I didn't get it and it kind of like didn't mark me but kind of did I just swap because I used to

play another game on the stream and then I had swapped this new game over watch and I was trimming it and as we good at

the game but I suppose shimmy it a lot right I'd put like a lot of hours and I was enjoying myself a lot sometime no I care about being good me whatever I still get out the stream a lot cuz you

know I wanted stream to feel like it's going forward just like my rank and might my plane like pedigree or career

order and isn't your heart first because my guess what my guess was really bad it's the it's still it's not the best but I just felt like I want to do that

in English cuz I used to in French and that's what I want to do and I want to do good and then I just felt like there's no way there's no I could I could never do it who would listen to

some guy who doesn't speak English properly and I just felt like can't like the world's against me to have a thing

but I still did it and I would get like small milestones like oh man look today we you know we had like two shells or something and after a while after like a

crazy not like grind if you want or whatever I got this uh it was like Christmas there's something and I had a total like I think it was 212 subs I

remember he was like 220 h1 to 12 or something and I was like I cannot believe it I think I've just peaked or something like I've plateaued like this is this is it this is like holy [ __ ] I

can't believe that two hundred people would subscribe my channel did it and they don't know it's like I'm saying you know and then I finished you off and I

had to go to this time was anymore so I had to go to this Christmas party right so I should I show up like like 10 minutes later so think

that's you know I was trimming an adult I rushed there and I'll talk to my dad a little bit and family and then I took my dad I'm like yeah you wouldn't believe

it like today like I against all these other people that are like competing you know like I had I had this many subs or

whatever and I had this much value to my channel well that's crazy and then you kind of just can just look me like the

deciding she kind of said it okay so when does that make you go back to school I'm like [ __ ] man they just kind of crush me you know

nonsense makes a lot of sense yeah that's crushing felt like it wouldn't matter like what the numbers would be at I felt like that

was like a crazy number even though it didn't matter there's any any direction in that path any any Heights it wouldn't matter it'd be irrelevant that's why I start making those systems like the

violations from other forms because I play wasn't getting it there you know yeah I think it goes a little bit I mean that's rough man I'm I got emotional

hearing that because I think the only where that was going but yeah I think so so here's the thing Felix don't don't get distracted yeah

what are you you're looking on no no no it's a guy's stuff I know okay yeah so I

think here's the problem you say that you needed to create systems of validation because you weren't getting validation from your dad I think the

issue here is it's not validation that you weren't getting from your dad it is fundamental sense of value okay does that make sense like there's a difference doesn't right so like that

was the moment that instead of your value as a human being here it came down over here because here you were proud of yourself and you said look I did

something I'm proud I accomplished something and then you were up here and then your dad moved you down here in that moment that's when so

that's not validation it's it's devalued and then you need validation to fill that gap mm-hmm but before that moment I

don't know that you needed any validation does that make sense yeah so a validation like the problem with validation is that like your intrinsic

sense of value and now we kind of go back to the beginning of the conversation is like you know impostor syndrome is because you don't believe that the person on stage deserves to be

there it's a statement of intrinsic value and then you need validation because that's the only way you can get back up because believe you you're starting down here

right it's the [ __ ] bike with the broken chain your whole life it's a bike

with a broken [ __ ] chain yeah that might is and that's like that's sad bro

is that this is the life yeah because the thing is you don't have a broken chain you you are a thousand dollar bike

pawn yeah but you don't see yourself that yeah I grew that in that sin

how's that feeling yeah we're going that I don't know I have like it isn't really if I don't want to like oversell myself it doesn't really

take me a lot to go on right like it does really like to like do well or do

better or improve like there aren't like a lot of requirements that I need to to to go in and do [ __ ] it's an expense yeah I want it yeah I feel more

fulfilled if I get it but is it sometimes I feel like I'm more like solid on that without trying to like you know sound like a high go Andy

or something no no I don't think it's high ego but let me let me put it I think it's a problem buddy yeah I think so why do you think it's a

problem hmm I feel like maybe it makes me like settle settle for Less or

something I'm like in a certain way in me and makes me like be okay with like trash yeah absolutely

so I well I'm gonna put it a different way okay so you're not feeling a whole lot right now right no why do you think

it is that other people have difficulty giving their best because you're saying that I don't have difficulty giving my best right mm-hmm well I think other

people like what gets in the way about people getting their best uh-huh I thought about it for a whole minute

I'm no clue okay so do you feel a whole lot of emotions Felix oh I'd say less

than average yeah so I think part of what makes other people makes it hard for other people to give their best is that they've got like internal [ __ ] that like bogs them down okay and I don't

know exactly what you mean by settle for Less but I think part of you giving it your all lets you forget about a lot of things that are probably I imagine

hurtful to you and then leave us and I think what we're running up against which is interesting because what you're saying is like some pretty like you know you'll say the word crushing and then the only sign that you have emotional

activation is the amount of distraction which you have in your face and where your eyes go so the only sign of emotion that I see in you so you can recognize that something is crushing you can

recognize these things and you're learning them but you're not feeling anything you'll look at your hands you'll get distracted by discord maybe it was just escort maybe I'm reading too much into it I have no idea it's really

basically one time over the last however long we've been talking that you've like broken eye contact with your screen in like in a particular moment you kind of like looked at your hands for a second

yeah and and I don't know so I think you've got feelings down there that are pushed so far down because you've

constructed a system of like being your best self and competing and like I think that you know you can say it was crushing but do you remember how it felt

when you came to your dad and you were like I got 200 subs I've peaked I've made it on Twitch yeah I think I'm Ambria I think I yeah

how did it feel [Music] you still like like [Music] like I felt like so ready to to get

something and they're the exact opposite you know sometimes you can like protect yourself with like some like expectations or something yeah right

nothing's pretty much so I don't where like you know like a fishing rod did sometimes you know um you know you don't expect much you know you put it like

close you know whatever but that was like an i overextended like I'm all in my pool y'all know that I know I'm gonna get it so Felix went why do we protect

ourselves like that why do we expect so little from the fishing rod where does that protection come from so like what

are we tanking what I mean so you're saying you said something about you know having low expectations and how low expectations are protective yeah okay so

like you play over much right so like you know those low expectations are like Reinhart and his shield and like what's behind Reinhart like what are we what

are we tanking there if those a flow X if you didn't set artificially low expectations for

yourself what would happen more intense disappointment when you don't get it absolutely and even then more intense disappointment is a really cerebral way

of saying it hurts okay you're protecting yourself from hurt yeah I don't really use those words real often you don't use those words for you bad I know yeah so you're hyper

analytical and you're LexA thymic what Alexa 5ik means is that you're unaware of what your internal emotional state is and I don't think you like you can use words like crushing you can use physical

words right you can use words that are like crushing is like a physical thing mm-hmm it has a representation in the real world and men do this often it's like you know you can talk like you don't

talk about pride or satisfaction you talk about like rolling news Yeah right that's an emotion rolling newbs is like it's an emotion but you just don't have the language and everyone understands

what we mean because our whole job raishin is like emotionally sunk because we play video games and stuff and like we don't spend time like inside

ourselves it really is and and I think that buddy like so you know I'm gonna offer a couple of thoughts because I don't really know exactly what where to explore from here and I kind of want to

say so I've also noticed something that when we explore too far we lose some of the things that we learned at the beginning yeah there's good data to that so I'm gonna try to leave you with a couple of thoughts the first thing is I

think you've really got to think long and hard about you know how you feel about your dad not being proud of you

mm-hmm and cuz I just don't think that you deserve a life where like your value is down here when it's really appear cuz you are a thousand dollar bike you're

not and there's a certain amount of like you know underdog pride with with being down here and still achieving up here like I can sympathize with that there's

a some pride in that but I just don't I just don't think that like when it comes to the self-sabotage and impostor syndrome and all this kind of [ __ ] you know because people people do genuinely

care about you I mean I'm making assumptions here but I'm pretty sure because that's what I've seen from twitch at everyone talks about twitch I like that they're toxic but I think that

there's like a lot of genuine caring and respect does yeah and and I think I think it's I mean it's it's gotta like it's got to be about your dad and by

about what I mean is like I think you've got a you know maybe at some point first of all figure out how you feel and then then engage your dad I don't know if you guys have ever talked about like what

success means to him and why he cares so much so the last thing that I want to leave you with is that all this [ __ ] about your dad's expectations on you are

probably coming from his own sense of not doing good enough because that's what parents do okay Beckham I could see that right so if he's hyper competitive

and egotistical and he has a son who is far more successful than he'll ever be which I don't know if that's true or not I don't know how successfully is and I really know how successful you are like I'm know right

but if that thought is in his head that could be difficult for him to sit with but that's not that's not something that should lower your value that's something

that he needs to deal with okay why does he need his son to be number one and in

yeah in in in a realm where that couldn't change then what is it not okay to have systems where you where you get

that from or other things if you let's say if that all I said was the truth and he couldn't change then what so you're absolutely right so the systems are

there for a damn good reason right so like like what I'm yeah so then what then I think you guys accept you breve and you move past it and what that means

is like you know if I'm juggling and I drop a ball then what Felix I'm sure

absolutely right so it like like you you don't let that failure stop so if your dad like your dad needs to figure out

like why he wants his son to be so successful like does he derived personal pride and ego from your successes cuz that happens a lot with parents and

then the second thing is why can't he accept your success for what it is why does it have to look like his success

okay that's that's it then you have it then I have what I feel like that question is is the right one yeah or the

most the most fun was that when I had out of all exactly and that comes from a conversation with him and the cool thing is that once you can have that conversation with him and you can get

the answer that question then you're no longer down here because what put you down here is like his impression of what's valued mm-hmm then you're back up here and then you're you know you're a

thousand dollar bike riding a thousand dollar bike like that's what you are you're not like a broken chain because if we look at your actual performance we see the performance of a thousand dollar bike not the performance of a

broken chain and that you've demonstrated time and time and time again by schooling noobs and trampoline schooling noobs and skiing schooling noobs right and left and center right you're competing with like your dad

sends you in to compete with kids with multi-thousand dollar bikes and you've got a broken chain you're [ __ ] winning a race and you have to stop and

pull over and reattach me yeah yeah and in those moments I felt like I was upset that they wouldn't get when do the

results but I was very much like self self rewarded and I had a good mint mental loop cuz yeah it sucks I don't

get on the podium but at the same time I was like dude if I had a bike as good as theirs I know like it's not that doesn't come from like over at all you my value like I would have [ __ ] this guy over I

ought to roll them right and and that that thought was enough yeah I'm with you I think ok right so but but the

problem here is that you don't think that way about yourself now right you think the opposite mmm probably not yeah exactly reisen's so like I think and then we

kind of ask a little bit about won't I become not successful no absolutely not because that is actually when you're your truest self it's when you don't derive value from an external thing do

you see that in that moment you're not deriving value from being on stage you're deriving value from a true sense of what you're putting in and what you're capable of hmm then you don't care about the

audience and can you be successful absolutely tarts questions known as does all this Oh mittens

is it overall unhealthy in the immigrants into things like lifestyle to to let's say not care about about what

your parents think we're like build yourself in an environment where you get like a combined other things that make

up for that let me make up for the mega for their value or their so I think how healthiest thing is done it's not to not

care it's to recognize what part of my parents value of me is fair and what

part is unfair okay let me as lessons yeah because they're evaluation of you

is not perfect yeah I think that's a problem where you're growing up you can't really can't really tell tens of

your parents they're above you so they're they know [ __ ] but sometimes they do things just like we did like I dunno like that we're human right that

are that are that are wrong but I still see it as right because I don't know any better so like they play their cards perfectly and that's how they really feel and I mean but maybe that's how they feel about themselves or some external

other source right and then actually feel I feel like you kind of build like just unhealthy conclusions absolutely right so I think the general strategy

like so when I say you have to see what's fair and unfair like you said do you think that they're perfect when you're a child and they're certainly not perfect and we don't blame them for that

right because they also like they're not perfect so how can you expect perfection from them so I think the strategy Felix is damage control not perfection it's not being perfect it's in recognizing

like so the way for it is to have conversations with them well then you can through conversation with them like recognize okay what is my dad saying that's fair and what is he saying that's

unfair and then once you recognize that it's unfair you let it go fine let's go it's like that shit's on him like if he's not happy with me having a broken

chain bike and not winning first place like that's an unreasonable expectation and if he doesn't want to be proud of me for that then so be it I'm gonna make my case about why he shouldn't be proud of

me right I need to explain to him and and and then that gives him the opportunity to also grow because you're not the only one that needs to do growing in this relationship and it's kind of like a continual

process in the same way that you like wake up the next day and you try to be better that's what both of you guys need to do for your relationship and then you'll end up hopefully both being like happy and accepting and loving each

other and you know he'll be proud of you and you'll know that he's genuinely proud of you and he can accept that you aren't him right you're not his perfect

dream of himself you're you and you have your own [ __ ] that you care about your own values and there are parts of you that there are parts of him that live within you but there are also parts of

your mom there are parts of you that are a little bit more chill there are parts of you that say that I'm gonna stop skiing and like snowboard because it's fun and I'm still gonna do a really good job but it's gonna be less intense

mm-hmm okay in that he needs to judge you for who you are not who he wants you to be and even in that you may fall short in some ways he may say okay Felix

I agree with you that you know you've been successful and I'm proud of you but I still think X Y Z yeah and then for you to say okay dad that's fair that isn't fair and then you guys come to an

accord and that's a healthy relationship yeah yeah I I think I'm uh I think I'm getting them here I mean I understand

like the like the full scope of the full scope of things it's almost like at the same time it's kind of like most people

that do good on Twitter kind of like like degenerate or I mean I mean not most of us and I will put throws on the same boat it's kinda like almost kind of

like being like a failure or something yeah being like a bomber right being such a bomb that is like one of the like things that make you makes you good on Twitter something that's also was

something that that doesn't sit well your your parents so I think it's gonna weird to be kinda like rewarded for such

like that am I getting that is an i sense it makes perfect sense and I think there's a there's a difference in value between the boomer generation in our generation mm-hmm there's like a

conversation that needs to be had like basically I mean I have this conversation with my parents too about like where value comes from right so she

has certain ideas about like what I should be and and we just have to have a conversation about like you know some of the ways that I raise my kids and and

things like that and and so she's like oh that's not the right way to do it right your dad's issue is that you're not successful in the right place yeah that's it and and like this is just like

they don't get to determine what's right right we have our own perspective and we don't get to determine what's right either like what's right comes like from a

conversation and the cord between the two of us and I mean I think you know I know I wish I'm gonna have to think a little bit Felix because I think just a

couple of closing thoughts so I think there are a couple things you can work on one is you know to think about how to have a conversation with your dad because I think that actually needs to happen at some point and and the second

though is to really figure out like I do think you're Alexa thymic which means you don't really you're not really in touch with your emotions and and I don't know if you I mean sometimes like people who are not really in touch with their

emotions they come out and he's like oftentimes frustration or anger or toxicity and so I think a big part of toxicity on the internet and on twitch comes from like people having

these kinds of issues or like your dad is fundamentally not proud of you and like that's hard to live with like every single day right and that hurts and then like what happens when we get hurt like

if I slap you across the face what are you gonna do yeah I'll G and then what

and then afterward till it heals sure but you're not gonna hit back um yeah

maybe maybe not okay I'm sorry I I think I'm not giving you the the correct the credit I should no no but but that's that's perfectly fine right so it's not like

once again it's not me it's not for me to know what the correct answer is when you give me an answer that I'm not expecting what your spot on that's not that wasn't what I expected I don't try

to convince you that I'm right I stop and put myself in your shoes and then the truth is gonna be somewhere in the middle okay so let me put it a better analogy that will give me the answer that I want right when someone like when

you're playing a game of overwatch and like you know they take the point or whatever and then you're like yeah I'm gonna [ __ ] him right yeah you hit back yeah and and so when we're hurt what we

respond with his anger okay and I was reading I mean so I sort of realized this one day when I was reading one of the manifestos or one of these school shooters and at the bottom of all of

that man yeah go ahead okay [ __ ] effect a bruni story no more I feel like over time I have this new sort of system or

loop that I do where when things like that happen or something or somebody punches right I I punch but not by using

like my face or something is that make sense sure I punch another way that's more like subtle or like calculate or something right

where something like [ __ ] me over I'm not gonna I'm not gonna [ __ ] them over I'm gonna visit if you're gonna dismantle them yeah but you

lose yeah you're gay yeah I'm with you we could get into that too that's that's a cold anger it's not a haunting okay right there's a but the

anger is still there my friend mm-hmm right it's just it's just not you're not gonna hit back you're gonna say ow and then you're gonna figure out how to dismantle me oh okay that that's

interesting then yeah yeah I like that thought yeah that's still anger I like that yep because sometimes I'll like I guess

falsely tell myself I'll be like man like that you know that's you're not doing it out of anger you know like I'm just doing that because it's it's the right thing or like I'm myself like a

self-righteous that I have angle but it's still it's still trash you know no it may not be trash okay that's a whole different issue right so so what your

actions may be just but your actions being just and and whether they're whether there's anger there or separate or separate questions mm-hmm all right

cuz if I smack you across the face like you hurting me in some way could be just but I think it doesn't surprise me that

you don't feel anger but it's a cold fury because I think the bigger thing is like so in anyway so I think they're like two general directions Felix that

you need to go the three actually so one you're already doing and really good at and that's to learn and analyze your systems which I think you've done a phenomenal job I don't think we could have gotten this far in the conversation

unless you had a pretty good attention to the systems that you develop over time even if they don't make perfect sense to you you know what they are at least which is awesome so continue learning because there may be sudden T's

which are not so I can think is I think at some point you've got to settle to [ __ ] with your dad and that could be through a conversation with him it could be through therapy it could be through any number of things but this is this

thing is not at peace right like there's something about like you still accept his view on some level and that needs to be dealt like awareness huh the third thing is that I

think you need to better understand what your emotions are and what you're feeling because I think you've got all kinds of stuff when you talk about these thoughts I think the fuel for those kinds of thought loops and negative

thought patterns comes from because you call them thought right all you experiences the thoughts but like where is the fuel for that coming from it's

probably coming from sopressa music yeah and so the third kind of dimension for your growth is to like you know to put it bluntly get in touch with your feelings and I don't know if you're like

in a romantic relationship or what the deal is there but like when it comes to those like you know getting this [ __ ] and order is like really important to having like a healthy romantic relationship because unless you know

like when she he or she does something that upsets you like if you don't feel that upset and can't vocalize that to her you're just gonna dismantle her or him depending on what your sexual

preferences okay you know and and so we can talk about relationships or whatever at a different point but does that make sense like you got to know like what's going on yeah Andres husband's I understand

her thoughts or questions before we wrap up no I think I understand um yeah these things many lessons you take aways from today you mind if I ask why what time is it

I know I know do you wanna keep talking cause like we been out oh oh I I didn't have time I lost look at time I enjoyed that the nerves really good um

not really I mean I have like it's almost like every topic has like a bunch of branches I was like I could go with that okay

what we're gonna instead and and you know I I feel complete but there's no sense like there's still a lot left to talk about

yeah it's okay though yeah I I was wondering if you could try to summarize cuz like you know people are watching like what do you think what do you think are some highlights like what do you

think are some of the key points what are the not the branches but like you know the big stems that then could be explored the big that can be explored yeah what are the

things that you took away from the conversation if anything oh okay I think sometimes you say something

right like a statement and it kind of simplifies my viewpoint on it like all like overcomplicate something or I'll

see like in a weird way and then you'll say like oh like if I really resent it that's still anger right it's such a simple answer but it's okay it's just like a simple thoughts

but it resonates a lot and there's a couple things that you did it leeches like that you said like that like Oh like really when he said oh that's pain but you say thought you said you say in

another way or something mm-hmm like and these things are easy to easy to take home easy to okay because yeah I like a

lot it's it simplifies it it makes it way more approachable mentally like it's not oh it's not all broken no or it's not like a so it's that complicates like

a crazy process it's as simple as you know that's just a feeling or just that

yeah okay thanks for from yeah John no go ahead look I was doing nothing I'm just gonna say so sometimes I teach

people meditation are you interested in that um I'm not really good at it where I maybe you heard about this before since

you're in that sort of feel but um biofeedback and huh no no feedback uh-huh ever heard about that yep okay and uh I

had to learn it like breathe and and and sort of method is the can't they kind of were like hand in hand right yeah like breathing properly like uh was it called again dude

when you breathe through like the bottom of the lungs or something abdominal breathing yeah that okay so uh you're

you're not good at it yeah I'm not good at getting a hold of my thoughts like if

I'm okay okay nobody's ready this is a little different I don't know what is your time is this gonna take too long no go for a media are you like on a set

schedule is like very tight let me check real quick sure and don't know if it is like it I'm not gonna get mad it's like no no I appreciate your

consideration man sure it's very kind of you nope we're good okay so

I remember it's a Tetris syndrome or whatever Tetris syndrome ya know where you do an action for so

long and so much time in one day or a couple days that even when you're not doing it it's still happening in your head okay like like I've been playing a

lot of chess on an off stream and the entire time we talk today like it's like the entire time I had I had pieces I could visibly see like almost in my vision and if they kept just kept moving

the whole time and I kept like practicing like certain moves or something does that make sense yeah it's it's like it's so vivid that it's like

um it's always there right and I do that with like streaming and playing games so we're even when I'm not doing them it's like always happening like I'm I keep

playing my head but it's it's always there so whenever I try to like meditate or calm down it it's really hard to not think about anything or think about

something and just feel like let things flow you know I mean and without being completely disrupted by my head just

playing that game again or or doing that action that I did all day it's just so overwhelming right so it's all yeah okay

thanks for sharing that very that's gonna hug yeah it's kinda hard to get a hold of my thoughts whenever I try to like calm and chill like it gets under control really bats I think the problem is not that you need to get ahold of your thoughts I think you need to let

him go okay that's why you're not good at meditating because meditating is not about holding on to your thoughts it's about letting him go it's like you're

moving in the opposite direction uh-huh alright it's sort of like you know so Felix how do you go to sleep I

usually just ask myself I can't and I haven't really actually gonna sleep and I don't know

the longest time yeah just uh yeah right so so so sleep is not something that you can do it's something that you have to like it like it that's that happen to you

all right so sleep is not about you don't go to sleep you let sleep take you and what you have to do to let sleep take you is to be very very exhausted

otherwise sleep won't come and take you does that make sense you don't do it it it does you like it's the other way around yeah and so I think you absolutely need to meditate but you need

to meditate in the opposite direction from what you're trying to do and I just need a second to think about how to do that I have a particular technique that I think would work very well for you it's just we can't do it on streem is

the problem okay what is it I'm just a so so what I tell people to do is like so I you know I used to teach this stuff in a hospital like in my office and so what I would do is take people down to

the cafeteria of the hospital and I tell them to close their eyes and listen to as many sounds that they hear as quickly as they can for a short amount of time

as possible so just listen to like a glass clinking over here someone's on their phone someone's walking by someone spilled something there's a baby crying someone you know banged silverware

together there's a cash register that ding but there's another cellphone someone's coming down the stairs there's an elevator that beeped you know there's someone's something's moving over here

there's a dog barking and just to listen to as many sounds as you can as quickly as you can ok if you want to meditate what you need to do is not slow your

mind down you need to speed it up ok so there's a there's a good kind of saying in meditation which is how do you get a monkey to sit still which is like hard to translate into the West because we

don't have monkeys and and you know if you want a monkey to sit still what you have to do is exhaust it right you can't like force a monkey you can't hold it in place it's just gonna go crazier and

crazier and crazier and so what we need to do for you to meditate is for meditation to take you you need to

exhaust your mind and I almost say like let me just think

I mean do you want to try something or you're okay just and I'm not trying to pressure you I just want to know where you are so anything element okay well good

whatever so what does that do when you think about a lot of sounds what does that do I'm gonna show you hope just

give me a second I think showing you is gonna be way easier than telling you I just have to think about how much to engage your mind

okay so I want you to sit up straight [Music] think let me think let me think we don't want to overdo it that's okay maybe he

will be easier so I wonder if doing things with your body is gonna be easier

are you stay yeah how tall you're tall yeah okay yeah sure we can do something

standing so okay let's just stop extending all right jack all right so it's gonna be really simple well let's just see what happens okay

okay sounds good we're gonna so that I was asking you to sit up straight but you're standing now so let's run with it it means just sit

sit with your back straight that's okay don't worry about it no no no we're gonna run with it I think

this is great okay I'm gonna stand up so I can it's not a big deal okay so

this is what I want you to do so stand up straight yeah feet together arms by your side and then I want you to as you

inhale I want you to raise your arms and then the

I don't know like with my nose your eyes it's fine right right and then exhale

and as you exhale I want you to bring your arms down to where when you fully exhale your arms should be at the bottom so you want to match the involution with the match the movement of your arms with

your breast okay okay so yeah breathe in

and then out okay way too fast so death yeah so I want you to look at the pacing of my arms and follow your

breath long now is your breath matching your arms or no no so you've got a focus on yeah yeah

so your arms should not be moving your arms should only be moving while you are breathing in or out okay and I'm gonna spoil when I was about this one I was already done yeah then you need to slow

down your breath slowing down your breath that's perfect huh that was perfect that was perfect okay so close your eyes and and do five up on

your okay Hebrew slow good again good keep going now keep your arm movements even so you can't speed up or

slow down it has to be even with your breath the entire time again duh keep going and now I want you to tell me as you're keeping track of your

breath and your arms I want you to tell me about which chest moves you see in your mind do you see chess moves in your mind no

Vincent for a while think about them and continue doing the practice from I'll call the chess game keep your breath even keep your arms even think about chess

do you hear one of those in breath slow keep it even and think about chess at the same time very fast slow down slow

breath slow slow slow breath keeping arms even in slow yeah good what's

happening I'm feeling good why I'm doing what are the other robotically

so let your full attention return to the breath arms up slow even and then down

smooth notice that your arms may be getting tired and Soviet we're gonna do three more it's slowly smoothly infinitely as

you can now again and out last one slow smooth and even and out

later eyes remain closed spread your feet apart a little bit and just sit in your mind

notice this natural breath that your breath is naturally waste lower focus on the sensation in your arms and

let your attention balance between your breath and your arms whichever one feels bad and let it sit with one for a while and

when it's ready to move let it move move to something else if thoughts come you can notice those thoughts that the chess pieces come back let them come

back and then focus on the sensation in your arms focus on the slowing your

breath will continue for about 30 cents when you're ready go ahead and sit back down open your eyes and tell me how you

feel that's good what what does that

mean um something weird happened it was

kind of like that's what we're here for

that means you did it right okay I just since I was looking for thoughts when I moved away from trying to look for a

feeling in my arms or or my chest whatever I feel like a random random like scenes would like pop my head and I was just kind of like go along because I

knew that it was part of the process and I would move back to my arms again and then I would think Oh what I think about last time and then something would pop up who cares what I thought nothing about this now

so some another scenery in my head or another object or things going on and then back my arms and then I kind of let go I don't know I find I kind of felt

that yeah okay I just give I can i I kind of give importance to those things I'm thinking about or I'm looking for

whanau and not like some other [ __ ] good so that's focusing of attention now let me ask you what was your mind doing while we were doing the breathing and

moving of the arms that was odd why I'm like this but I always like process images all the time I have like visuals in my head like I thought about

that a lot today I think didn't I tell about something I told you what I see like I always thought like a drawing almost or like something that displays

whatever whoever is going on and whenever I do doing my arms up I couldn't something about a robot should not try to synchronize both right and I

can see like I could see like notches right like 1 2 3 or almost like a clock right and that's what I'm thinking about the whole time I was like and I was but what about the breathing though okay but

what are the notches actually I like sink a boat and because I was having those thoughts I couldn't sink them beautiful okay so let me explain something to you so everyone thinks that meditation is about

stillness of the mind right so if we think about it like you're you're saying that anytime I try to steal my mind it doesn't still I have all kinds of thoughts and all kind of [ __ ] is

happening right okay good is this pen still there's no yeah right so this is hard for you to do with me okay you're not gonna understand this inside

hopefully this will make sense for you to meditate you can never do this you can't just have something be still for you to meditate you need to do this

we'll be able to do either okay what's the difference between this and the other thing or both of these pens still they're both still but this one requires

like a effort to keep it still if you like absolutely this is what you need well not this this your mind is gonna get [ __ ] bored and it's gonna think

about a thousand different things okay people who try to teach you how to meditate they taught you this you're never going to be successful meditating like that this is what you need okay and

then what you need to do is do it while standing on one leg so your meditation your stillness of the mind because the

pen is still in both ways people think that meditation is stillness that comes through no effort for you Felix it must come through maximal effort yeah and if

you can fully engage your mind it's not about stopping your mind it's about pushing it to it's very limits and so I think like that's that was the goal and I think you were even doing it because

you were bouncing between focusing on the breath and focusing on the robot you see that huh and then even at the end I told you bounce between the breath in

the sensation in your arms you must bounce and you're like what does that mean it's exactly what you were doing before that's what I was telling you to do bounce between the two your

meditation or your stillness is gonna come through rhythm and balance not through like sitting still it's still still low right there's no movement it's just a completely different thing it's

gonna come through balance and so you need to bounce back and forth as much as you can and and the the the cafeteria exercise which we can't do now because of Kovan that too is about bouncing

between as many things as you can as quickly as you can and in between all that you'll find stillness okay so okay

things like too fast cuz I have liked it there isn't nope if it's too if there's no such thing as too fast the only thing that there is is not fast enough okay so

you need to push your mind until you are exhausted okay because I remember reeling back one time where I was like

um I was thinking about stuff right when we're doing it and I was like wait if that that's like unreasonable I'm going too fast now I for some reason my mind

was just going faster and I was like okay chill then you whatever you were thinking about anybody have a little more and then we'll go through the breath so I have to know that then well so what what we do want you to do is

return two things it's not about speed it's about not returning okay right so return to breath return to the sensation let your mind go somewhere and bring it

back meditation for you should be about anchor and balance not about stillness okay okay yeah and in terms of a

technique you can try to do this technique you can also try let me just think I would literally say what you should do is like you should do like more martial arts oriented meditation I

think that'll work better for you so I'd say like learn how to balance a pen or learn and then once you get good at this then do it on one foot so you should you should be stable I'm gonna teach you

something I forget what what pose this is and once again IV I got a okay that's right no oh one second hold on hold on you can sit here that's fine you can sit I just

daddy needs to demonstrate something okay you can sit I'm no problem if you sit continue sitting no problem okay hold on okay so I want you to do I don't

know if this is the tree pose right so I want to do this do do yoga I don't do

yoga so tree pose this yeah oh well voltic put your art put your hands into must stay above your head and hold it

close your lenses like like this I'm sorry what what like this no no yeah so put the leg in and then with your upper

arms do this yep pull it good

so close your eyes what's your mind doing I'm loving like visual stimuli no no if you're not getting visual stimuli that's

what we want what about this open your eyes it'll get easier okay okay so now is your mind wandering

are you thinking about things yeah okay close your eyes what's happening to

the thoughts there you go that's about it that's what you need to do open open see the thoughts come right back go come back in a second give him a second

they'll come back thoughts come back yeah well so make him go away close them try to hang on to them try to

hang on to the thoughts as long as you can good bouncing back and forth balance

open your eyes

do this yeah good so that's still focusing on the sensation is not the same old ship hold on javi okay one

second oh I gotta go up because the this kids going crazy if you don't get or you have questions DME afterward okay can I

just take you back for a second okay so let's give xqc some love thanks a lot man it was a pleasure meeting you bro Sherman thanks um yeah of course as well and let me know if you want to follow up at some point or you have additional questions

of course Sherman okay well thanks let me do this ever select yeah thank you for coming on bro the have a good it okay twitch at I

shall be right back okay I have to just go deposit this one and then we'll close up just give me a second