the REAL reason you feel jealous or insecure in relationships

feeling perpetually insecure and feeling jealous within a relationship can drive anybody crazy both the person experiencing it themselves and also their partner the crazy thing is this

you might otherwise be a pretty well adjusted and confident person an external circumstance doesn't even matter maybe the boys are going out to the bar tonight and you're worried that

they're going to find more attractive more fun more wild more spicy girl when they're out and about or maybe the guys are taking a fishing trip and you think that they're going to meet some cool

nature loving girl who is way more into camping than you are and he's going to fall madly in love with her and leave you whether or not there is actually a cause for concern you know that this is

a pattern that you have experienced no matter who you're with or what is the actual event or circumstance that feels threatening maybe you've self-identified as having anxious attachment style the

funny thing is maybe these intrusive thoughts and feelings doesn't even feel aligned with who you are you could someone that typically loves other women you appreciate them you support them you

admire them you hype them up but when you put it in a different context if your partner is complimenting someone or even looking at another girl or maybe they're talking about their ex all of a

sudden you turn into a hateful person and everything about this other person drives you crazy this total stranger whom if you actually met in real life on your own might have befriended now

you're thinking or saying the most viritual thing things about them maybe you're obsessively comparing yourself to them for no reason we're going to take a deep dive today into why this happens

and the reason might not be what you think I'm also going to be offering four practical steps that you can take starting today later on in the video maybe you did go through a phase

when you were a teenager when you were envious of other girls being a teenager is essentially a battleground of insecurities self-doubt and comparing ourselves to other people but if you're

lucky enough to have had healthy supportive loving female friendships when we grow up and become adults we actually start to admire these women and want to befriend them if you're still

comparing yourself to other people today I urge you to stop today like right in this moment the truth is there's always going to be somebody who's better at something than you more beautiful more

smart more successful it is a much better long-term investment to be spending that time focusing on yourself and comparing yourself to your yesterday today versus somebody else's today Envy

is when someone has something that you want that you don't have and jealousy is when you feel like someone can take away something that belongs to you so Envy is

a feeling of lack and jealousy is a feeling of threat okay so we are afraid that someone is going to take something away from us we're perceiving a threat

why it is because we inherently feel that we are possessing something someone or something belongs to to us but no matter how romantic this sounds this

belonging it's a fallacy because nobody belongs to us and we definitely don't belong to anybody else but ourselves but I absolutely understand why we have this deep desire and Longing To Belong for

this connection ownership possession so we're going to talk more about that later this is something that used to bother me a lot because there's this misalignment I felt confident I knew I

was a catch yet at the same time every little external circumstance felt like a perceived threat and I just didn't understand why and it is because that

when we get into a relationship we place our sense of Safety and Security think of it as an anchor that would otherwise keep you here and help you feel safe and

secure when we get into a relationship we put this anchor completely or a large percentage of it into another person we basically willingly hand over the

responsibility to somebody else to validate us and to make us feel like we're lovable and worthy the core of it here is it's not about finding the perfect person because you can never

predict what's going to happen even with the most perfect person the work is always going to come back to ourselves that is the core when your anchor is

outside of yourself you will always be at risk from uncontrollable external circumstances of course it's absolutely natural when you do get into a relationship because your lives are now

intertwined there is a bit of putting a sense of Safety and Security in someone else but to what degree to use my all-time favorite analogy think of

yourself as a house it's a house that you get to remodel rebuild decorate because of the fact that we cannot control anybody else but ourselves and

we cannot control external circumstances if your home is in somebody else you're always going to feel not completely safe and our fear of losing this person is

going to cause us to hold on even Tighter and this can produce some quite undesirable qualities and the worst part is it probably drives you crazy because

you're just clinched and stressed all the time because you feel like your home might be under threat and be taken away from you at any moment this is why we

have to build our own house and make it Immaculate the reason why a lot of adults unconsciously seek homes in other people seek shelter in other people is

because perhap perhaps when we were in a more younger developmental stage when we were children we did not receive the attentiveness or the care or the nurture that we sought out from our caregivers

so in a way we became emotionally malnourished and turned into these little hungry ghosts and so as adults we continue to seek that lost or Never Felt

unconditional love and I do believe that adult relationships can have elements of unconditional love but also adult relationships are very much transaction

and they should be to put it simply we don't get to be and expect people to just continue to take our if you can have him you can have I don't want that then if you can take him

from me then he's yours I'm good and I can keep it moving be there for my kids or that's another story but like in terms of us then our story ends and that's okay I cannot live my life like I

did in my 20s cuz I did do that and it's like for what I wasted so many sleepless nights for what did that change how he acted no the guys the girls whatever we're going to do what we're going to do

regardless if if you're staying up at night not sleeping stalking in Instagram he's still going to do what he's going to do if you're someone like me and you were just clapping along to that video

and agree with everything she's saying but at the same time you're wondering okay this is great but how do I get to feeling this way what this relaxed

confident High worth feeling is essentially saying no matter what happens S I know I will be fine here are some practices I want to

share with you number one spend time with yourself not just regular time quality time just like you would request with a partner if it's not already

inherent we have to learn how to love and enjoy being with ourselves and I don't mean that you have to be a loner without social life but I mean that you

have to intentionally dedicate time with yourself where you honor what what you want do the things that you love take yourself on a date go on a hike pick up a new hobby things that you are doing

with yourself that makes you feel like the world is perfect and whole just by being with yourself you know those people that feel magnetic because in a way it's almost like they exist in their

own world and they just feel so whole and complete and thus it's like being around them just radiates this relaxedness maybe almost even Whimsical

sometimes it's like this person is having a romance with life itself and they are the main character I believe some of this quality comes from feeling

that sense of anchor within yourself and your cup is full because you take the time and energy to do things that fill you up that nurtures your soul this is the opposite of being a people pleaser

and being a martyr the people that will do everything they can for everybody else so that they feel a sense of love and belonging but it comes with a sense of kind of negative ity and resentment

see yourself as an architect as an interior designer this entity that exists that is you this is your home this is your house make it beautiful open the windows let some light in

decorate it with the things that make you feel beautiful create a little library and fill it with experiences and they don't even have to be big crazy experiences just little moments that is

special to you and you create a devotional practice of How To Love love life fully just by being on your own second begin to heal those past parts of

you I found that inner child healing methods can be really useful so if you're interested there's a video all link down below where I talk about two different practices that you can use practice when you have time maybe you're

just driving or it's in the morning imagine and visualize that you are an entire ecosystem life sustaining Joy bringing

energy creating ecosystem you feel yourself taking another step further just for fun whenever you have time or you're spacing out or you're scrolling on your phone instead visualize that

there's this anchor and it's heavy and it's grounded this anchor that you place within yourself and if ever in a real-time situation where you start to feel a little shaky just come back to

what this feels like when you have that anchor in your home completely within yourself you are safe build self trust by showing those vulnerable afraid parts

of you that she's worth spending time with that you will take care of her and love her until the end of time show her that she's worth it and that you will do

everything in your power to never again self abandon when you devote yourself to working on yourself in this way it becomes the most unselfish thing you can

do remember that practicing being complete on your own does not mean loneliness in fact it will make all your relationships richer whether it's friendships or romantic relationships

because there's no longer going to be a string or a desperation to hold on tight or to hang on to something because you know you and you feel complete on your own number three emotional regulation

and self soothing essentially these are practices that helps you create some space or delay between the triggering

event and your own reaction or your response self-mastery is the only thing that we have control over it is the only

thing that can Empower us to change how we experience everything Mastery of our own emotions and our thoughts is absolutely an essential part of maturity

I know it can feel really hard sometimes when you're flooded by a feeling or you're ruminating in a thought Loop but the truth is we do not have to submit to every whim that comes up within us I

know that there's been a lot of emphasis on honoring our feelings and being intuitive and I'm not writing those things off at all they are absolutely

essential but if you're someone who does have a disregulated emotional nervous system and you tend to typically overreact because there's this wound that triggers inside of you when certain

things happen it is critical to understand a lot of times these feelings that come up is not your intuition instead they might be a defense mechanism that really did protect you in

the past but now it's actually getting in the way of how you want to feel number four Trust trust the process and refine your perception I want you to remember this personal growth or

development working on ourselves can sometimes feel like we've slid all the way back to Ground Zero meaning let's say if you started here and this is your

journey you've made progress up here you've scaled a hill but now we're going up to an higher Hill and sometimes you might feel like you're sliding back down

but you're not all the way back to zero you're still further along than where you used to be even if you feel like you've digressed this is important because anytime I have made significant

progress on my own healing Journey it has been from a place of self-compassion especially if you are a Hungry Ghost if the reason why you have

this pattern of behavior or feeling is due to a past wound it is from a part of you that already feels unworthy and unlovable by throwing more frustration

and belittle in that part of you is not going to make it feel better and it's not going to continue to build your confidence or your self worth the worst part would be that believing you're actually broken and that you can't fix

yourself because that is absolutely not true some patterns just takes longer to rewire but it's absolutely possible I like to think all of us as these adorable little hermit crabs with their

house on their back and we exist happily next to each other I'm not going to try to fit myself into your shell or your house because I'm simply not going to fit under there instead I want to be

right next to you going through this journey of life together if your anchor or your house is not in yourself and you keep putting it elsewhere you will

always feel under risk or threat of becoming homeless so starting today make an intentional practice of being the architect and the interior designer of

your own house we have to continue to create a strong foundation in our house so that no no matter what happens externally no matter what weather is

going on we know we are going to be okay if you enjoyed today's video please let me know in the comments below if you want me to cover more topics regarding relationships and if you are someone who is interested in future projects and

offerings whether it's free or paid make sure to join my modern pen pal list down below that's where I'll be sharing all the updates first thank you for watching today's video and I'll see you next

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