Weekend Update ft. Pete Davidson - SNL

♪♪ -It's "Weekend Update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che."

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you. Thank you very much.

-Thank you. Thank you very much.

Good evening, everyone.

-Welcome to "Weekend Update." I'm Michael Che.

-I'm Colin Jost.

[ Cheers and applause ] A pharmaceutical executive collapsed in the Oval Office on Thursday.

And speaking of pharmaceuticals, whatever they've got Trump on, I want some.

'Cause just look how chill he is during all of this.

He's just standing there.

He's literally this meme.

The craziest part is that, during the commotion, RFK Jr. just runs away.

Watch this. Watch this.

-Gordon, are you okay?

[ Laughter ] -Just how suspicious is that?

Such a weird move. Don't worry, by the way.

The man who collapsed is totally okay.

You can tell because if there's something dead on the ground, RFK eats it.

[ Laughter ] On Tuesday, Zohran Mamdani was elected mayor of New York City.

[ Cheers and applause ] He was elected...

[ Cheers and applause ] A lot of -- A lot of -- A lot of Sliwa fans?

He was elected mayor despite his opponent, Andrew Cuomo, receiving endorsements from Donald Trump and Eric Adams, which is like trying to bring a girl home by saying, "Not to brag, but I have hepatitis B and C."

[ Laughter ] -Andrew Cuomo spent the last day before the election campaigning around the city in a white Ford Bronco, which is what O.J. Simpson used to get away from police.

But at least O.J. was ahead in the race for a while.

[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Oh stop.

Republican Curtis Sliwa conceded the mayoral race on Tuesday in front of a crowd of his most loyal supporters -- squirrels!

Conservative critics have been calling Zohran Mamdani a "far-left radical," as well as a "jihadist."

But he can't be far-left and a jihadist.

I mean, what do you think he's gonna do, turn ISIS into THEY-SIS?

[ Laughter ] -The Supreme -- -I worked really hard on that, Colin.

-Yeah. That was good. I liked that.

The Supreme Court on Friday temporarily allowed the Trump administration to withhold SNAP benefits, including food stamps.

And we actually have footage of Trump finding out he does not have to pay the benefits.

-So stupid.

-Democrat Abigail Spanberger has been elected as Virginia's first-ever female governor...

[ Cheers and applause ] Yep.

Defeating Republican Winsome Earle-Sears, who will now have to change her name to Losesome Earle-Sears.

President Trump said that he will only negotiate with Democrats when they agree to reopen the government, adding that he will not be extorted.

Except that one time he famously got extorted by that mattress actress Stormy Daniels.

[ Laughter ] -Trump also reacted to news that Prince Andrew lost the title of Prince over ties to Jeffrey Epstein, saying he feels badly for the royal family.

Trump even sent Prince Andrew a card to cheer him up.

-Aww.

[ Laughter ] -"Hang in there"? More of an Epstein.

-New Mexico -- New Mexico has become the first state in the country to offer its residents free child care, which will be provided by nannies from Old Mexico.

[ Laughter ] -A video has gone viral of a man in Mexico coming up behind President Claudia Sheinbaum and trying to kiss and grope her.

So, no, he's not taking the loss well.

[ Laughter ] -Starbucks has begun selling the new glass Bearista Cold Cup, which is the most adorable way to smoke crack in their bathroom.

[ Laughter ] -Tom Brady announced that his current dog is actually a clone of his previous dog who passed away two years ago.

Brady also revealed that during his career, he went through eight Gronks.

[ Laughter ] Scientists have posted a new video of a pod of orcas attacking and killing a group of baby sharks.

So I guess we were right to put them in prison.

[ Laughter ] -A new poll finds that nearly 30% of Gen Zers think that paying with cash is cringe.

Even when I crumple it up for them.

[ Laughter ] [ Scattered applause ] -Don't clap!

A husband and wife from Miami have been named the world's oldest married couple with a combined age of 216 years, which sounds really sweet until you realize the husband is 200.

[ Laughter ] -Lionsgate has released the first trailer for "Michael," the upcoming biopic about Michael Jackson.

And like Jackson, it starts out very dark but ends in a much lighter tone.

[ Laughter ] These are some thinkers. -Yeah.

Officials in Ireland are saying that reports of a lion wandering in the woods was actually just a dog with a new haircut.

"Ireland. I guess we are pretty drunk."

[ Laughter ] Well, "The New York Times" recently ran an article calling the Staten Island Ferry that I purchased with Ste-- Pete Davidson...

They called it a "money-losing fiasco."

With more on this is Pete Davidson.

[ Cheers and applause ] -What's up? -What's up, Pete?

-What's up? -What's up, Pete?

-How's it going?

[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Alright. -Welcome. Welcome back.

-Thank you. Thank you. Colin...

Colin, you're looking great as ever.

Che, starting to crack.

-Whoa! -Um...

So -- Sorry. So, yeah.

In case you're wondering why I had to do a show in Saudi Arabia, we're losing millions on this ferry.

Um, I assume that's what the article says.

I can't spend $5 on a paywall when I got a kid on the way, so...

-Oh. That's right. Yeah. Congrats, Pete.

-Hell yeah. Yeah.

[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you. Yeah.

Um, I'm just -- I'm just excited to be a dad, you know, and give it all the energy and enthusiasm I never had for this show.

[ Laughter ] -Come on. No.

I will tell you, on the other side, I definitely prefer having a kid to a ferry.

-Yeah, I mean, well, what are you really worried about?

You know? You have a great job.

And your Uncle Robert is the HHS secretary. Right?

[ Laughter ] -For the last time, Pete, I'm not a Kennedy.

-O-kay.

Look. I actually -- I understand RFK.

You know, I wouldn't be famous without my dad dying, either.

[ Audience groans ] Thank God that happened. Wouldn't trade it.

Um -- No? Alright.

We even gave the boat a new name.

You know, we thought "The Staten Island Ferry" sounded too depressing, so now it's called the "Titanic 2."

-That's right. And it's actually going very well.

Recently, we got paid by Nike to put an ad on it for the New York City Marathon.

-Absolutely. Yeah, exactly.

If Lorne Michaels has taught us anything, it's that you never, ever give up.

Even if everyone says the time has come and Tina Fey is ready to take over.

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] Yeah.

No, I actually -- I actually have a great idea to make this ferry more of a success.

-Oh, great. -As you know, we just had a mayoral election, which is my...

Yeah, it's my least favorite kind of oral.

Uh...

[ Laughter ] That's a Classic Pete!

Yeah.

Pete's back, baby!

-Okay. Hold on.

You're adding -- You're adding new bits now?

You've been gone for years.

-Yep. It's now this and Chad.

-Yeah. -So...

[ Laughter ] So, anyway, we just had an election.

And if you don't mind, I have a message for everyone who did not vote for our new mayor.

Hey, Staten Islanders!

[ Laughter ] Did you promise to move out of New York if Mamdani won but have too many warrants in New Jersey and not enough guns for Florida?

Well, welcome to New Staten Island!

Yeah!

It'll have everything that makes Staten Island great.

The pizza...

[ Laughter ] -Wait. That was the whole list?

-Wait. That was the whole list?

-Yep. New Staten Island.

We can't call it the "Titanic" anymore, since the people on this ship will actually love running into ice.

[ Laughter and groans ] That was pretty good. That was a good one.

Yep. Still got it.

-I just feel like it's gonna be a big year for us.

-I think so, too. I couldn't be more excited.

And my point is, look, the ferry, it's fine.

Sometimes the news just makes things seem worse than they are.

You know, like how everyone was sure certain people would be exposed and ruined for being on the Epstein list, right?

But look. It's 2025. And all three of us are still up here.

-Pete Davidson, everyone.

-Hey Elsie. -Hey Elsie.

For "Weekend Update," I'm Colin Jost.

-I'm Michael Che!

-Good night! -Good night!

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